Summary

The web content discusses the process of grieving the end of a significant romantic relationship and the importance of accepting and processing emotions to heal and move forward.

Abstract

The article delves into the emotional turmoil that accompanies the end of a long-term relationship, emphasizing that the pain is felt regardless of who initiated the breakup. It highlights the personal journey of the author, who found solace and guidance in Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth," which encouraged her to accept her unhappiness and embrace her feelings. The narrative underscores the significance of giving oneself permission to grieve, the necessity of not rushing the healing process, and the personal growth that can emerge from such experiences. The author advocates for self-compassion, especially for those judged by others, and suggests that each person's approach to processing pain is unique. The article concludes with the encouragement to honor one's feelings, learn from the experience, and eventually move forward with resilience and strength.

Opinions

The author believes that it is crucial to acknowledge and feel the pain of a breakup rather than resist it.
There is an opinion that the grieving process is necessary and should not be skipped, as it is a natural response to emotional pain.
The author shares a personal revelation that accepting the situation and one's emotions can lead to immediate relief and a sense of release.
The article suggests that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, as it is a personal journey influenced by individual personality.
It is expressed that people should not feel guilty or regretful for grieving the end of a relationship; these feelings are a natural part of the healing process.
The author emphasizes the importance of self-care and being gentle with oneself, particularly for those who are judged by others.
The article encourages readers to view the end of a relationship as an opportunity for personal growth and learning important life lessons.
It is conveyed that while grieving is important, one should not remain in a state of victimhood but instead take steps to move forward and build a new life.

RELATIONSHIPS

Grieving What Could Have Been

Give your grievances space to be heard

When a relationship ends, especially if it is a committed relationship such as a marriage, an intimate partnership, or any long-term romantic relationship, there is a lot of grief. It’s the death of something we cared about — a relationship we had become attached to which has ties that still bind us to the person we were in a relationship with.

A lot of times, those ties don’t just get severed and might even be there forever, especially if you created a family together. So, there are a lot of emotions to process, and you should be patient with yourself as you go through the processing of those feelings.

It doesn’t matter who ended it first. If you are honest — it hurts whether you are the leaver or the left. Some people seem to just browse and glide over a breakup as if nothing happened or get into new relationships right away. I wish I was one of them, but it takes a lot of time for me to process feelings.

My own story

When my marriage first ended, I was distraught — to say the least. Just thinking about what a divorce entailed left me exhausted. One morning, I felt so confused and drained that I didn’t know what to do. So, I went into my room and lay down on my bed, facing the ceiling. I started counting all my miseries: Why did I have to move again? Why did I have to be the one who always had to pack? And, of course, I started a terrible sobbing.

Fortunately, no one was home but me. So, for about five minutes, I cried hot tears, choking on words as I asked God to help me be clear on what to do. I think God must have heard me and answered right away. Before I knew it, I started reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose — a book I had been reading but had kicked on the floor in my bedroom a while before. Why? It wasn’t giving me the answers I needed quickly enough, so I threw the book on the floor beside my bed.

I had read a few pages about the ego, and now I was up to Chapter Five where Tolle talks about “being free.” But that morning, I hadn’t wanted to read the book; it was only reminding me that I was unhappy (yeah, because I needed a reminder).

But when I asked God to guide me, I blew my nose, wiped my tears, and felt a strong pull toward A New Earth. I picked up the book and read pages 165 and 166 where there was the story of a woman who came to see Mr. Tolle. She was so unhappy about her past, especially her childhood. Eckhart Tolle told her to stop and feel the pain.

I was like: What? How insensitive of Tolle to tell her that! But then as I continued to read, I understood that Tolle was asking that woman to stop resisting the “pain-body” (as he calls it in the book) and actually feel the pain. At that particular time, I had an Aha! moment.

Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

Finding wisdom (and relief) in a book

The passage I read in Eckart Tolle’s book gave me the answer I was looking for. Some would call it just wishful thinking, but I want to believe it was God who guided me as I had asked Him to. He guided me toward that passage in Mr. Tolle’s book.

What I learned was that I didn’t have to resist my unhappiness. I just had to accept it, and that meant accepting my confusion, my loneliness, and my sadness about my ended marriage. I felt so released right away.

I opened my bedroom window to let the ugliness of my negative energy go away (I read about this too in the same chapter). I stood up, put my socks on, changed into my gym clothes and walking shoes, and went for a walk in my neighborhood. It was a breezy, sunny day, so beautiful that I felt reenergized. But I could only feel this breezy, sunny day after all the motions I just described above.

When I was feeling tense and miserable, there was no sun. It felt chilly, but it was warm and sunny outside. I just didn’t want to feel it. Once I accepted my “unhappiness,” I, too, like the woman in Tolle’s book, felt room around my unhappiness.

Accepting that the situation is what it is

Once I accepted my situation, I was released from controlling the uncontrollable. I was in the moment where I was sure that this day was a pretty day, and I shouldn’t waste it crying over a situation I couldn’t control. Another revelation I got that day was that, as a mother, and now a divorced one, I needed to learn how to be gentle toward myself. I had enough people judging me — so I needed to be on my side for once.

It’s important to accept what is, and give yourself space for grief

The ruminations that can follow any emotional pain can be traumatizing, including the grief for what could have been and the realization that no matter what you did or didn’t do to make your relationship work, it still didn’t. And that can make you angry, sad, and a whole lot of other emotions. It’s okay to feel what you feel. Don’t skip the grieving process; it’s necessary.

I have written a two-part article to share some insight on how to deal with emotions and heal. Check out the two parts called: The Feel — Deal — Heal process from the links in the footnotes.

Don’t succumb to the myth that if you grieve the end of a relationship, you must be feeling guilt or regret, unless those are authentic feelings. And if that’s the case, perhaps you still want the relationship, and you can work on a different plan to restore it.

I’m talking about the feelings of grief when you are 100% sure that you don’t want the relationship, you just want not to feel the pain caused by the breakup. The end of a relationship can be a traumatic event and there is no right or wrong way to process the pain because it depends on one’s personality. But it’s okay to grieve.

Once I accepted my situation, I was released from controlling the uncontrollable.

Grieving what could have been

You’re grieving the end of what you knew up until now, and it’s good to take time and honor your feelings and emotions. Feelings mean you are a human being and not a robot, and you need a way to vent and be heard by someone who is caring or simply an impartial professional.

Give yourself the grace of feeling, but then don’t stay in the victimhood mode. Take steps to move forward, have faith in your strengths, and build the life you want.

In the poem: A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime, Brian A. Chalker says “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”

Some people come into our lives to be a blessing or a lesson. It has been my experience that if you don’t learn the lesson the first time, it will be presented to you more than once until you learn what it’s here to teach you about yourself and others.

So remember to give yourself space to feel, deal, and heal. And make sure you don’t waste the lessons you learned.

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