Grieving The Death of A Marriage

Like cancer, it’s death was painful and slow.

This feeling of needing to escape my marriage, the need to breathe, the need to stop tiptoeing and be myself, has built up for years.

Like cancer, it’s death was painful and slow. I tried short fixes but admittedly, nothing long enough that would work.

And as I stand by death’s door, I see my husband approaching this differently. While mine was a slow gradual death, his was a car accident that came out of nowhere and smashed everything.

Unlike real death, the end of a relationship always has a chance of “maybe”. I could undo this. I could tell my husband I made a huge fucking mistake and beg for forgiveness, which he would give in a heartbeat. I’m the only Grim Reaper in this equation.

I doubted myself for years. Having kids makes everything a deep, calculated decision. And yet, I struggle because I feel like I took this too lightly. I dwelled on it, but how much did I really think about it? Did I just need a perspective fix and then I wouldn’t cry in hiding anymore?

I equally destroyed this marriage, I could go all-in and keep trying. I read When to Pull the Divorce Trigger by Stuart Motola and his video hit me hard. When you feel “I’m done”, that’s when to pull the trigger. And I’ve been “done” for years.

I struggle because I feel like I took this too lightly.

I wish I could take my husband’s grief. I’d take it all. Not because I’m a selfless being; it’s because I’m the jerk ending things. It’s only fair. Last night was the final straw. He crumbled, crying, and said, “you win.” I’m not winning. This wasn’t a battle of wills. While I’m further ahead in the grieving process, it’s painful moving forward towards this death while managing the guilt this brought to someone else.

What % happiness is expected in a marriage? Anything over 51%? When is it okay to call the time of death?

Realistically, I couldn’t fix my marriage until I at least fixed me. And I’m internally a fucking hot mess. I don’t see how it’s possible to fix oneself while fixing a broken marriage. I don’t know where to draw boundaries, how to trust and be vulnerable, how to care for a partner, or how to stop my defensiveness.

When you’re in a marriage, you’re not capable of taking care of only yourself. I can’t ignore my husband for months on end because in my free time I’m working on myself. How do you care for another person when you’re tending to your own wounds?

I thought once I announced I wanted it over, the pain would stop. It’s opened up a new floodgate of emotions. I’m not just grieving the marriage as it stands today. I’m mourning over:

• The loss of the dream I had when walking down the aisle.
• The good times we shared, like ending this marriage takes them away.
• The potential future that I’m destroying.
• The stability I had knowing there was always someone by my side (I guess not “always”, hence the breakup).
• The loss of someone who loved me to his absolute core, regardless of how much we fought. Undoubtedly, no one will ever love me as much as he does.
• The existing life I have. Our friendships, our children, our finances, all of it gets impacted in some way.

Thinking about the loss of this marriage to my kids is a whole other beast of agony. For now, as I try to convince him that we can have a parenting marriage under one roof, I’m not open to telling them anything. They’re still little and self-absorbed; we’re trying to survive virtual school at home. Status quo for a while.

I’m surprised how this also makes me angry. It’s my decision, why would there be anger? I’m angry at myself for not working harder at our marriage but I’m also angry that I don’t have the tools within myself to know how to work harder (clearly marriage counseling didn’t provide them).

I’m angry that this is the status of my marriage. It’s irrational because I put it there. It couldn’t possibly be this hard for other marriages. My husband disagrees and thinks our marital issues are no different from other couples.

My physical pain tolerance is quite high; I take with a grain of salt when someone else complains about a body part in pain. I don’t know if my pain tolerance for marriage problems is too high because I grew up in a highly volatile household. I’m angry because maybe this isn’t hard and I’m just a wimp.

Sadness creeps in between my feelings of anger, mourning, and feeling fine. It starts as a whisper and builds a well that I sink into. I shouldn’t be feeling sadness just yet. Sadness seems like it should be the last stage of grieving, why am I feeling it now? It’s the slowest, calmest of all the negative emotions. There are no violent reactions like wanting to throw something in rage or melodramatic crying in angst. Just a dull ache that seemingly never ends.

Not to throw too many poetic words at you but: this sucks.

Throughout this rollercoaster, I’m vowing to really, truly fix myself. It’s the only way to honor a marriage that I helped destroy. If I don’t take the time to be alone and focus on healing my inner demons, then all of this will be a waste. It’s the least I can do.