Grieving Tales

On Life And Loss

The specter of grief currently overshadowing the world because of the coronavirus has left so many feeling desperate, disillusioned, confused, and scared. Unfortunately, we do not know when the pandemic will be over, when a vaccine will be available or what the post COVID world will look like. The news mill offers little help as the networks constantly churn out dreary news of deaths and infections amidst a climate already saturated with bad news. This environment breeds anxiety, depression, sadness, and worry.

While pondering on these and how they seem to be recurring themes, I remembered the times I and those closest to me have been affected by grief, sorrow, pain and loss, and the coping mechanisms we all use when faced with certain life experiences. I decided to write about these experiences in the hope that my words would offer some comfort and perspective in this turbulent time. I am not a psychologist, grief counselor, therapist, or clergy member but rather, a fellow life traveler sharing her experience and limited understanding of this journey.

Grief and grieving are a fact of life. As far as there is pain, sorrow, loss, and death, grief and grieving will continue to be part of life. So, how do we respond? Let’s lay some groundwork first

Grief Is A Fact of Life: As I mentioned above, as far as death, sorrow, pain, loss, injustice, violence, disease and other afflictions remain, there will be grief and grieving. Grief is defined as the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to that loss (source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief).

Grief Is An Emotional Expression: Grief is an outlet — an outpouring of the pain we as humans feel inside us in response to events, circumstances, or life experiences. If such pain is allowed to build and fester, it becomes destructive. Just as dammed water wreaks havoc with its force and power, so do repressed negative emotions cause damage to our insides. Also, when negative emotions build up without a healthy outlet, they will eventually burst forth violently and harm us and others.

Grief Is A Personal Process: Grief is a process and it is different for everyone. No one knows beforehand how they will react to sad news, death of a loved one, or a shattering health diagnosis. It is important that the bereaved and those closest to him/her understand that grief is a process that should not be rushed. Telling a recently bereaved person that you understand what they are going through, or that they stop crying or asking if they have not grieved enough doesn’t help.

Grief Is Deep And Raw: If you have beheld a grieving person, you understand that grief is very deep and very raw especially for the recently bereaved. There are absolutely no words and more often than not, you are deeply moved to tears as well. Strong emotional expressions like weeping, cursing, screaming, despair, anger, and regret are fairly common.

Now that I have set the tone with a definition of grief and some of its accompanying features, let me give some examples from my own life experience and those of those closest to me. This will guide us on the dos and don’ts and provide some direction and understanding

When In Doubt Say Nothing: It is a general practice in most places for friends, family, church members, neighbors, colleagues, and associates to visit the recently bereaved. In some places, it is customary for some groups to take turns staying with the bereaved family to keep them company and offer support, comfort, and presence. After my father passed on, my mother recounted an incident that happened during one of such visits from a church society they belonged to. During the visit, someone said that my mum should remove it (Dad’s death) from her mind and not think of it. Mum said she gave the person the ’evil eye’ but refrained from a response. Clearly, she would not be looking forward to that person visiting again. As human beings, we often feel obliged to ‘say something’. Unfortunately, a lot of us don’t have the right words and end up causing further aggravation. Remember Job from the bible, his 3 friends offered him comfort with their presence and silence but once they spoke, they brought him more grief. A good rule of thumb is ‘When in doubt say nothing’.

Your Expression of Grief Affects Others: As I said before, grief is an emotion and all human beings feel varying emotions. Often, when expressed, it triggers an equal response in others. Few days after my Dad’s passing, an elderly friend of my parents visited. My mum went outside to receive her because of her age and the fact that she walked with crutches. Mum begged her not to come out of the car but she insisted. In most customs, it is normal to open a condolence register strategically placed at the entrance. In my part of the world, this consists of a table covered with a simple (often white) table cloth, a book, a pen, and a framed picture of the deceased. As my parent's friend came in and spied the table, she exclaimed, ‘So it is true and began to cry’. My mum joined her as well. I was overtaken with emotion and turned my head and began to weep

A Little Decorum Doesn’t Hurt: When one is recently bereaved, the pain is raw and every little thing — a word of comfort, a gentle touch, a sad face, or a loud cry becomes a trigger for a fresh round of wailing, crying or weeping. Some people are completely ignorant of this and show no self-restraint. They come visiting and engage in shouting, weeping, wailing, trashing their hair, rolling on the floor, or rending their clothes. In my opinion, this is unsightly and shows no sympathy for the bereaved family. This ‘showy’ expression may rather be a source of embarrassment to the family. A good rule of thumb — ‘A Little Decorum Helps’.

Swapping Death And Funeral Stories: Swapping death and funeral stories has its place among contemporaries and close-knit friends. If at all necessary it should be done one-on-one with such friends and not at a general forum. A group of friends or buddies can have such a discussion based on their relationship with one another.

Comportment Is Very Important: This is really important. When you visit a bereaved family, you must keep in mind that others are there — friends, family members, neighbors, and work colleagues. Your behavior should not be an occasion to question the bereaved party or cast doubt on your relationship. You must also consider that your behavior affects future relationships not only with the bereaved but also others especially as this might be their first impression of you. I remember a personal incident. We were in church for a commemoration service. The firstborn son of one of our members had passed on due to sickle cell complications. Everything went on fine during the service and sermon but immediately we got up to sing the closing hymn, I was suddenly overcome with wracking sobs. I covered my mouth and practically ran out. I went and hid behind the gate post and wept. To this day, I don’t know what overcame me but I was deeply conscious of the fact that the family would be hurting and so didn’t need me to further aggravate their grief.

Defining Grieving Time: This is a touchy subject as I know it often has cultural and customary implications and origins. Many cultures have laid down periods for grieving spouses which are generally acceptable and considered a sign of respect and honor to the dead. What I do not subscribe to is setting standards for expressions of grief. No one has a right to say a spouse has not cried enough or did not love his/her spouse enough. No one has a right to say that the way someone does or does not grieve indicates his/her complicity in the death of another. Grief is personal and sometimes lends itself to totally unexplainable behavior. My mum’s friend lost her husband so few days to the burial mum traveled to be with her and also attend the burial. Mum recounted an episode to us several years after. She was in her friend's house downstairs with other people who came to commiserate with her when she heard her scream. Everyone was alarmed but those with her assured everyone she was okay. My mum said that at that moment, she might have come to a point of delayed self-realization that her husband was actually gone.

Grief Is Not A Competition: It is foolish to compare one person’s grieving process to another’s. The grieving process is personal and everyone’s experience totally different. There is absolutely no basis for comparison. Only tone-deaf, insensitive, or wicked people engage in such.

As I mentioned earlier, everyone will experience grief as far as death, pain, and sorrow remain. Each of us will react in totally different and unexpected ways and when we visit or commiserate with others, we should be mindful that they are hurting not just with our words but our actions and comportment.

Let’s quickly recap our key discussion points:

• Grief is a fact of life
• Grief is an emotional expression
• Grief is a personal process
• Grief is deep and raw
• When in doubt say nothing
• Your expression of grief affects others
• A little decorum doesn’t hurt
• Don’t swap death and funeral stories
• Comportment is very important
• No one has the right to define or judge another’s grieving process
• Grief is not a competition

Thanks for reading

Imabong

This story was inspired in part by Auntie Amy’s story below.

When I read her story I didn’t know how to react. Dr Mehmet Yildiz posted a link to her story on Twitter. I thought a like, clap, or retweet rather inadequate choosing rather to write about my own experience with grief. Here’s sending her strength for this difficult time and prayers for a full return to health.

Imabong Faminu is a Content writer, Creative writer, and Poet. Connect with her on Twitter @IFaminu and on LinkedIn. You can find more of her work on Instagram @wordsrwine or on her blog possibiblog.wordpress.com