avatarAvigail

Summary

The author reflects on personal grief and self-blame, connecting physical ailments to emotional distress and the process of coming to terms with loss and guilt.

Abstract

At 64, the author begins to manage their health more diligently, noting the need for glasses, calcium supplements, and the treatment of aching hips and back pain. They draw parallels between their own health struggles and the confinement of animals, suggesting a metaphorical link to humans trapped in difficult relationships. The narrative jumps a decade ahead, where the author finds some comfort in food despite persistent physical pain. An epiphany strikes, revealing that the chronic hip pain represents unresolved grief and guilt over the death of their father when they were fifteen, leading to a realization that self-blame is unwarranted and that their father lives on in their memory.

Opinions

  • The author implies that health management is crucial, especially as one ages.
  • There is an empathetic connection made between human emotional struggles and the perceived resentment of confined animals.
  • The author seems to grapple with the complexity of relationships, hinting at the potential for love to be intertwined with exploitation.
  • The text suggests that food provides a form of solace, though it may not be a sustainable solution to emotional pain.
  • A significant opinion is that emotional trauma can manifest physically, as seen with the author's hip pain symbolizing unresolved grief.
  • The author believes that self-forgiveness is important in healing from the past, particularly in letting go of guilt over events beyond one's control.
  • There is a sense of nostalgia and ongoing connection with lost loved ones, as the author mentions the biological memory banks where they believe these individuals continue to exist.

Grief and self blame…

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

I begin at 64 — aching R)hip well sacrum actually, to realise my health needs skilful management. Glasses for eyesight. Calcium supplements for bones.

Huge back pain.

Is it the anguish of locked up chooks used to wandering free? Is this their resentment of me locking them into their smaller pen for the day? Animals have it tough! Like humans who lock themselves into prison like relationships. Love? Or exploitation? Nobody is pure! And lust is a hidden vice.

Having a car or house won’t make a difference but perhaps coffee and pie, 2 bananas 3 different bone and vitamin supplements, seafood and coffee although creating a gigantic shift in budget just might help.

Ten years later it’s three cups of home made coffee frozen dragonfruit cubes and lactose free yoghurt. Food is so comforting. Same aching right hip same recipe.

But this time an epiphany. The right male side that correlates to a longing for a male who has left. My inability at fifteen to save a father from dying. It just sits there inside my hip. A huge ball of childhood reminding me to be gentle. That I was not to blame for his death and all the overwork perfectionism and good deeds in the world will not bring him back.

And that he lives on — like all I have ever loved — within biological memory banks.

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Grief
Love
Loss
Pain
Food
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