Greetings, Green-Eyed Monster!

Jealousy and I sat down for a conversation to set some things straight.

Well, hello, Jealousy. What brings you here? I am not sure why you have come. Let’s sit together for a while so I can learn from you. What do you have to say?

You say that you and your dearest are both free to be who you are and explore with others in any way that suits you as long as you are honest. What if you are all wrong?

He is married and his commitment is to his life partner as will yours belong to your husband. That doesn’t bother you — though I have tried to tell you that is going to lead to pain in the long run. Polyamory can’t possibly work.

What if he plays with others and has more fun? What if another partner is better for him? It won’t take much for her to be less of a hot mess. What if she is prettier or thinner or more of everything you are not? What if he loves her and chooses her over you?

What if he has only chosen you because you are easy, available, and accessible when the whole world is shut down? What if a better offer shows up and he is tired of you? What if he decides that he doesn’t want you or this connection anymore?

What if you have shown him too much of yourself and he wants mystery and intrigue? What if he simply decides you are not enough? What if he wants someone who can be open and public — someone without all the baggage you carry around while hiding in your closet?

What are you doing risking your heart? Do you know how badly this is going to hurt? What if he betrays you? What if he lies to you? What if time with you becomes less of a priority for him?

What if you need him and want him more than he needs and wants you? What if you love him more than he loves you? You should demand your place. You should set some clear guidelines.

Actually, you should probably just run.

Well, that is quite a message you have there, Jealousy. I see that you are also bringing messages from your cousins, Fear, Insecurity, and Doubt. Thank you for being concerned about me and trying to keep me safe. You and your friends have important work to do. I am learning to listen to your voice and seeking to understand what you are trying to protect me from when you show up.

In this case, you raise some very valid points. The relationship that I find myself in is without a lot of precedence in my experience so the unknown is always a bit scary. I appreciate you sounding the alarm so that I can check-in and bring my feelings in touch with what I know to be true.

However, you don’t get to run rampant in my soul, Jealousy. Your cousin, Fear has been dethroned and you are not going to take her place.

These are the truths you need to know.

First, you are right that he has the ability to decide all those other options you so eloquently detailed. Other relationships, other partners, other situations, and other arrangements are all open to him. He may find someone tomorrow and choose her. He also may simply choose to walk away from what we have together because he wants something different in his life. It doesn’t have to be someone else who is new and shiny. He is free to go at any time for any reason.

That is how this works. Freedom and choice are our cornerstones.

Jealousy, you should take note — life doesn’t just happen to me anymore. I have all of the same options and have equal power in this connection to choose to stay or go. Making choices is an option that can be used when needed or wanted. It is a newer tool in the toolbox and may help you calm down a bit.

The connection we share, the time we spend together, the depths we plunge with one another, the play and the fun are all because we choose to be together in those ways. Truthfully, if he would rather be elsewhere or with someone else, I would like him to be there. I only want things that are real in my life.

You bring illusions and other nonsense with your stories, Jealousy.

That’s the trouble with you — you create an illusion that simply holding on or maintaining the status quo is enough. It’s not and frankly, it never has been. I would rather never have his kiss again than to have a single one out of duty or obligation. I want him to choose me and if he does not want me then I want him to leave.

You see, I would rather love him fully with all of me and give him the opportunity to know and love me as I really am than to play games and never be sure whether it’s me or the illusion of me that he is attracted to and loves. I am who I am — baggage, scars, history, and all. It is just not possible to become someone different in order to be convenient to my partner. So, the real me shows up in this relationship, even when it is uncomfortable.

Can he take advantage of me? Use me? Abandon me? Yes, he can. I have laid myself open to him and I trust him. He has done the same with me. That is not without risk. So, thank you for raising the alarm about the danger of this. I know it is dangerous and make this choice in full knowledge of the risk.

You show up because you fear loss. You fear that love is finite and that everything is an either/or proposal. Actually, it is a both/and world when you love this way. He can love me fully and completely and still connect, love, play, and enjoy others. We have already demonstrated how this works with our life partners if you are paying attention. I don’t think either of our nesting partners would be okay if somehow the love we share was subtracted out from the love they receive.

There may be moments that I desire more time, easier connections, fewer miles between us, or fewer life interruptions, but those things do not put me in the place of envy towards anyone else who shares his life.

When you have something amazing, wanting more is not a bad thing as long as it does not allow me to lose sight of the reality and agreements we share. More importantly, wanting can never be allowed to replace gratitude for what we have with discontentment for what it could be in a different context. We both have rich and full lives outside of the shared space we have created with one another. Other people only add to who we are as individuals and thus make our connection better and stronger, so jealousy and envy serve no purpose here.

That’s why I need to have these conversations with you. What I have learned is that it’s me — my own fears, my own insecurities, my own feeling of lack of worthiness, and my self-condemnation and judgments — that is the greatest threat to this relationship. My self-protective knee-jerk reaction to run away and hide or worse still, to prove how unlovable I am by imploding everything in my range, are the biggest actual threats to our connection.

If you are here asking me to pay attention and be mindful of those scarred places in my own heart so that I don’t destroy what we have built, then I can’t thank you enough. I will not let my fears and anxiety from my past determine my present and future with this man. He deserves better and I deserve better.

Jealousy, thank you for trying to protect me. Thank you for helping me better understand your pull. I have no doubt that you will show back up here again, but your work is done for now.

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