Greek Myths Updated for Modern Audiences
“Don’t just eat your children because you’re afraid to be a father!”
Prometheus makes good use of the stolen fire
After completing the dangerous journey to Mount Olympus in order to retrieve the Fire of Knowledge, Prometheus is annoyed. All that work for nothing? Now that he’s used the fire’s properties, he has a better idea.
Putting the flames in his own cave, he burns wood and sells the charred pieces for livestock. The burnt wood is touted as a knowledge enhancer by Prometheus. Without the real Fire of Knowledge, the humans are dumb enough to believe him. Zeus hasn’t created any kind of market oversight, so Prometheus becomes the first successful entrepreneur.
Zeus is not angry at the mortal, since the fire’s power is not spread to the rest of mankind. The eagle he keeps on retainer sighs, disappointed that he won’t be dining on delicious liver anytime soon.
The live-streamed fall of Icarus
Daedalus and Icarus are locked in a tower so they won’t reveal the secrets of the Minotaur’s maze. Daedalus decides to make wings so they can fly to freedom. Before leaping out of the window with the newly created wax wings, Icarus is warned not to stray too close to the sun.
However Icarus, a rising Youtube star, realizes he must try. What would his fans say if he didn’t?
After the disastrous livestream his fans turned out to have a lot to say about Icarus’s stupidity. One shouldn’t speak ill of the dead. Unless their death was completely preventable.
The Legend of Narcissus in the age of Tinder
Narcissus breaks the hearts of women, men, mortals, nymphs, and goddesses wherever he goes. Infatuated with his own beauty, he promises never to love someone less beautiful than himself. A vengeful goddess takes notice.
She creates an identical profile on Tinder and has it repeat back whatever Narcissus types. It works. The beautiful man ends up matching with himself because of course he does.
Narcissus spends the rest of his short life wasting away while chatting with his true love.
Pandora’s fans say, “Don’t open it!”
Pandora, as the most beautiful woman in the world, obviously has tons of people following her every move. Influencers are older than most people realize. While opening her wedding gifts, she asks her fans to weigh in on what they think it is.
Upon hearing one strange box came from Zeus, they persuade Pandora to keep it closed. The world is saved from all the negativity it could have endured. Pandora continues her successful social media career without anyone ever once harassing her, since jealousy and hate remain within the box.
Cassandra isn’t impressed by Apollo’s punishment
When Cassandra, the princess of Troy, rebukes Apollo’s advances, he gives her the gift of foresight. But with the added caveat that no one will believe her predictions.
She just shrugs, unimpressed.
“I’m a woman. I’m used to it.”
Lysistrata’s bad idea can’t rally the women
The women of Sparta and Athens band together to put a stop to the ongoing war that‘s claimed all the men in their lives. By declaring that they will be denying men sex, they capture the attention of the entire Greek world.
Then someone points out that not all men are soldiers and say that those men are being unfairly punished. Other women believe that by denying sex as a means of protest, they are in fact lowering their own status by implying that women are only good for only one thing.
Some of the women agree and start to demonize the women withholding sex. Others fire back. Infighting occurs and the main point is lost amongst the fractured fronts.
Cronus and Rhea work through the titan’s fear of fatherhood
The titan is about to eat his son when his wife shouts at him, “I know you are afraid, but you are only ensuring that your family’s cycle of death continues. Just stop! You aren’t your father!”
Freezing, Cronus doesn’t know what to say. No one has ever told him that, maybe, he doesn’t have to eat his children. When he brings up the prophecy that predicts he will be killed by his son, Rhea suggests seeing a therapist.
Together the two work through the titan’s feelings of anger toward his own parents, and his fear of being an inadequate father, since he lacked good role models . He comes to terms with the fact that he will have to watch his baby boy become a man. But maybe, with courage and love, he can avoid being brutally slaughtered by the adorable little god he sang to sleep.
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