Love/Sex
Great Lovers In The Bedroom Aren’t Always Good Partners In Life
A generous lover in the bedroom doesn’t guarantee a happily-ever-after ending.
Givers and takers. That’s how people are often categorized. You’re either a kind, generous, and giving person, or you’re a taker — a selfish emotional vampire only out for yourself.
Of course, life is not usually that simple. The gray areas within humanity regarding empathy and care are vast and usually much more convoluted than we anticipate.
Specific experiences often shape our views, actions, and level of empathy towards other human beings. Our potential to truly give is frequently overshadowed by our tendency to become jaded or withholding if we encounter too many negative experiences with people where we feel let down or betrayed in some way.
But what about sex?
What about those people who behave more like takers in their daily lives yet in the bedroom they are actually quite giving. I’m talking about lovers who want to please, who want to give pleasure, and who want to create a satisfying sexual experience for their partner(s).
Is it possible to be a selfish human in day-to-day life yet also be predominately preoccupied with a lover’s sexual gratification in the bedroom?
That kind of behavior doesn’t seem selfish at all in the traditional sense of the word.
The dichotomy of seemingly selfish people behaving generously in the bedroom is fascinating to me. I’ve experienced it myself.
What makes these kinds of people tick? Is sexual generosity different than being generous in other walks of life?
Is this desire to fulfill a partner sexually simply an ego trait — a self-gratifying sense of pride in being able to bring another human being to orgasm? OR is it really a genuine sexual empathy that involves truly wanting your partner to experience pleasure?
We may never know for sure. I know that in my own personal experience with this, the lover in question was decidedly unempathetic in his day-to-day life — yet unexpectedly attentive in the bedroom.
Perhaps this is because sex does not always have to involve a serious amount of mental or emotional empathy for some people. Physical intimacy involves a physical closeness, an attraction, or a craving to be sexually raw and primal with a lover. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you spend any other amount of time thinking about the general welfare of that person beyond your own needs.
What we generally consider to be selfish behavior in our society is described as a lack of concern for someone’s wellbeing as compared to the concern for your own well-being at all costs. In other words, you would prefer to preserve yourself even if you had the opportunity to help someone else as it might interfere with your own comfort or convenience.
Sexual love and emotional love are two different things that often masquerade as the same entity. Many of us learn this the hard way.
Just because a lover acts as if they care about your physical pleasure doesn’t necessarily mean they will love you or will protect you in the way that real, emotional love works. It doesn’t mean they know how to nurture and care for you beyond physically getting you to an orgasmic climax.
In fact, I have found that the more emotionally broken or damaged a person is, the more likely they are to express themselves aggressively through sex — including striving to be the best lover that they can be. This kind of behavior is often wrapped up in a person’s sexual ego or sense of prowess.
Emotional insecurities can lead to overcompensation in the bedroom. Sometimes it’s the only way a person knows how to express themselves or how to feel close to a person.
All in all, while it’s still quite mysterious how those who have a tendency to be selfish in life can still be phenomenal lovers, it’s safe to say that it IS indeed possible for both states of being to exist at the same time.
Have you experienced this phenomenon? Enlighten me in the comments!
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