We don’t know yet what blessings this will bring.

#Grateful4 A blessing

Looking for the silver lining in the darkest of times.

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At the end of December, I had to do the unthinkable. Lock up my daughter. She was not well mentally. It was a matter of life and death.

Her husband was done caring for her in the state she was in, a fetal ball, rolled up in bed, not making eye contact, barely eating, not bathing, not leaving the house. She was locked up inside of her own head and held captive by what we on the outside are still trying to understand.

There are rare, very rare, moments of complete clarity whereby she is highly functional and even conversational. This is after 3 weeks of confinement in a wellness center provided by the county and a month on meds outside the clinic.

If she knew I was writing about her extremely personal experiences, it could be… well, I simply don’t know what it would bring for our relationship. I’m sure she would understand that my love for her is endless and boundless. I will NOW & forever care for anything she needs. But she may feel a certain type of way that would not be positive. IDK 🤷‍♀️

I wish I could just ask her and get a response, but those type of conversations are being treasured up for more important topics, such as, what would you like to order for breakfast, at the café.

Writing is the only way I know how to cope with such a drastic change in our lives going forward. I process thought by writing my thoughts out, re-reading, thinking about, and editing them in print. Even listening to them again, during the editing, helps me process the complexity of what I’m thinking and experiencing.

I told my nena, [that means baby girl in Spanish] “we don’t know what blessings this will bring”. It was the only reach of positivity we could find in the moment. What else can you offer to your child more than love and support?

What comfort could I possibly pass on to my child that was locked up in a hospital, abandoned by the person she considered the Love of her Life, moving back into the trailer trash park with mom and her husband [she never accepted my husband as even a stepfather, only that he is a good husband for me.] Then to top it all off, have the diagnosis of Schizophrenia with Lupus, with no employment or medical insurance.

No pressure at all…. None…Zip…Nada…Zilch

There is simply too much to process in this situation. The trials for today, each will have their own, and today we’ve had enough.

🤫 Grateful for the brief conversations that I had the pleasure to hear today. Very brief, and the farther apart they become, the more grateful I am for them when they arrive. I will NEVER sush my loved ones ever again.

🗓️ Grateful for a schedule that allows me to take a day off during the week to attend to Mija’s appointments.

🌿 Having this schedule also affords me the opportunity after appointments to spend an hour walking with her through a local nature trail. Today was such incredible weather. Sunny, bright, light breeze, not to hot, not to chilly. A quiet walk side by side, just in each other’s presence.

📺 Grateful to see her focus her attention on a TV show for almost an hour. This is one of the hardest missions she has had. It took a cup of Moringa and Mint tea to create some stillness. With being still allowed for a nostalgic pull to something familiar. Watching Outlander. Gone are the days of lectures about how much time is wasted on television. It’s so amazing how perspectives change with circumstances.

Bonus:

🌑 I have a LIVE grown daughter with me, every night, by my side in my very own bed. Until we get farther along in the journey, this is plenty to feel blessed for… and we still don’t know what further blessings are waiting for us.

You can take a moment and pray 🙏🏻 or bless everyone with your personal thoughts. We appreciate your prayers and blessings.

This is how I started practicing gratitude. I made myself a journal to reflect daily on things I could be grateful for. This is how I still practice gratitude, beside writing to YOU on Medium!

Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often

LaLa 👋