Grateful for the New Defense Attorney in My Head

I now have an attorney that can speak to the jury within

I have written about the internal jury in my head before, about those who are not welcome or invited. This is still true, the interviewing of jurors who show up who were not sent notices of jury duty.

I now also realize, and this realization seems to have come with the wisdom that aging can bring, that there is a new addition to the chorus in my head. There is a defense attorney whose voice is becoming more and more powerful and who is taking her place permanently in this relentless courthouse in my head.

She speaks from a place of understanding and compassion, and she reminds the jury of the circumstances and history that may have contributed to whatever transgression or breaking of rules that this jury wants to judge and punish me for. She speaks of the balance of truth and of including all the facts.

She speaks eloquently, not attacking the jury or the prosecuting attorney, but rather from the place of realizing their function and the job they have been trying to do. She speaks with understanding and compassion for the jury and how those voices and judgments came to be and how they have been doing their best all of these many years to try and protect me from any further pain or repetition of the behavior in question.

She states that they may, however, have taken their role a bit too far and may have been a bit too quick to judge negatively and to condemn. She does not belittle or berate them for it, realizing how they came to be many years ago from the external judgments that came at me. How they internalized those judgments so that they could beat anyone else to the punch.

She tells them they can relax and breathe now. She speaks to them of hearing their voices, and of all of us listening to what the lesson may be that can be learned from whatever behavior is on trial. And she reminds them that learning can happen still. Without the harsh judgments and belittlement and attacks. That, in fact, those harsh judgments can actually hinder learning when someone is feeling attacked, not seen or heard for the pain underneath whatever may have happened.

I welcome this attorney. It has been so many years when I did not hear her voice. When in my youth, all that I could hear were the attacks and condemnation.

But, with the years that have gone by, I can now hear this new voice. This new presence within. Or maybe this presence was there all along, but that only the passing of years can tune into. Youth gets distracted, perhaps, with loud voices and attacks that can trigger us to try and either defend ourselves, project the attacks outward, or simply hide in a corner somewhere with deep shame.

Not anymore at my age. I have hidden enough. I have listened long enough to the harshness. I am closer to the end of my time now, and I don’t want to spend the time that I have left continuing this self condemnation.

I welcome the advocacy that I hear from this defense attorney within. I welcome the compassion and shift in attitude that she brings with her to the trial. I welcome her kindness, balanced with fairness and a willingness to self explore and improve. I welcome the lessons that the years have brought.

I welcome that part of me that I didn’t know was possible to include in the courtroom. I know now.

So this is what self care feels like. This is what wisdom feels like. This, for me, is one of the gifts of aging.

I am grateful.