Grateful

Prose poetry and reflections

I feel grateful today. I haven’t been able to reach out to the world, but the world found me.

An exhausting pursuit led me in a corner, a few meters away from the intersection of boredom and attrition.

The world caught up to me and looked me in the eyes. A tall shadow fell on my shoulders, and my ears buzzed.

The sun was setting but my day had just began.

The world demanded to know who gave me permission to deviate. I clutched my pendant and lowered my gaze.

The glimmer of the freshly rained on dirt captivated me. Its scent seized me by the neck into a forced awakening.

A kick of my right foot, and the world was now blind again. I had enough time to run towards the intersection and throw a rock at the setting sun. I hit it at the center. It flickered, but it still worked.

The world followed me, and I ran. I thought about blaming the broken sun for my tardiness.

But, as always, I wasn’t late; and the sun was still working.

The only thing left was to blame the dirt. It wasn’t wet enough. Or maybe it wasn’t filthy enough.

Whatever the problem may have been, the bottom line was that the magnanimous world still cast its shadow on my weary shoulders.

Notes: I wrote this prose poem in the early morning hours of a Sunday in November. I wasn’t able to sleep and I started typing on my phone about the way I felt a few days before that, when I had a hard battle with my social anxiety.

I completely forgot about it, and I was surprised when I found it in my phone’s notes two days ago.

I believe that externalizing these thoughts and emotions helped me put them to rest, instead of endlessly ruminating over them like I would do in the past.

What surprised me the most though, was that I found the note while browsing through my phone as I was waiting to meet with someone.

That “someone” was a local drag queen (their drag persona goes by she/her pronouns, but in their everyday life the performer is a non-binary person).

They are one of the most amazing people ever, and even though I have attended their shows and I follow them on YouTube and other social media, I never had the courage to talk to her/them directly.

They published a wall calendar for the new year. Messaging them filled me with excitement and anticipation. Their first reply was in the form of a voice message. I was thrilled!

I asked if the calendar could be sent via the post office. They said that if possible, they would prefer to meet up at the closest metro station. I hesitated for a moment, but then I thought that my social anxiety won’t hold me back this time. I would hate it if I missed that opportunity because of it.

While I was waiting for them, I was only experiencing excitement. I wasn’t stressed at all. Which is why I was surprised when I found the poem. It felt like I wrote it ages ago, or like someone else wrote it.

When they came, we said “Hello!” and we hugged! I couldn’t stop smiling! We talked for a few minutes, and I also asked them about their professional plans for the new year. It felt like meeting up with a friend that I feel extremely comfortable with.

We hugged again to say goodbye. On my way back home, I thought about how I didn’t experience any discomfort from the hug. I didn’t have any thoughts crossing my mind about my body image. I knew that their hug was honest and accepting without any judgment.

Also, I still don’t have any second thoughts about what I said or how I said it. Usually I “replay” such moments in my mind, through the filter of anxiety. Thinking back to our meeting only gives me joy.

This doesn’t mean that my social anxiety is magically cured. But now I am feeling more empowered to dare to do more things that I know will bring me joy.

This will help me when, inevitably, I will have to deal with other situations that will trigger my social anxiety and/or other mental health conditions, and that will leave me feeling drained.

I am grateful for allowing myself to experience both the bad and the good. I am grateful for writing down and saving the poem, because now I can reflect on these two different states of going through life.

And I am grateful that I now have a majestic wall calendar that I can look at everyday and brighten my mood!

Britt E. also wrote about her struggles with social anxiety in this amazing poem below. I highly recommend you to read it.