Grant Me The Strength to Lay My Dog to Rest Soon

This story is for all the dogs that licked their humans’ wounds (the ones that are visible and the ones that are not).

Have you ever lost someone in pieces, not suddenly or all at once, but piece by piece? That is how I’ve been losing my beloved dog, Chuey.

Several of my friends have lost their pets in the past two years. But each one woke up knowing that they needed to put their animal to sleep that day. Either their pet suffered a stroke in the middle of the night or the pet was whimpering in pain that morning. Something happened that made them know.

For over a year I have pondered if it is time. Everyone says when the time comes you will know. But that is not always true. Chuey was diagnosed as having cancer in February of 2018. I was asked to put him down that day and I was told if I did not he would soon suffer greatly. I could not do that to a dog that seemed fine at that time. So, I took him home and was given 5 pain pills and told that is all I would need as he would soon be gone. It is now September 25th, 2020 as I write this and he is still alive today.

My whole life I wanted a chihuahua, but growing up we were not allowed to have indoor pets. At the age of twenty-one I got an apartment. Still, no pets allowed.

The month after I turned twenty-four I moved into my own house. Finally, I was able to own a pet! The same week I moved into my house, I went to a pet store and saw several chihuahua puppies for sale. I saw one male puppy in a cage huddle up next to his two sisters and I knew he was the one. I took him home that day. We have been together ever since. Chuey is now seventeen years old. We have been companions for seventeen years. In some ways it feels like a long time. In other ways it does not feel like enough time.

Many of us call him the dog with a million lives. He has outlived the time period the veterinarian said back in 2018 by two years and seven months. He also outlived eating grapes and getting into my daughters chocolate and nearly dying both times, as well as a dozen or more issues in between.

Like many pets he has seen me through many of life’s challenges. He was there for me after my daughter was born and got up with me in the middle of the night for feedings and for childhood nightmares. He was there each time my husband cheated. And when I got divorced, I felt like he was the only one in the world who was there for me. We sat together and watched sappy movies. I’d cry and he’d scoot in closer and lick my face. No matter the time of day or night, he was always there.

I guess you can say he’s almost the only consistent love I’ve received for seventeen years. I always joke and say he’s the longest relationship I’ve had with a male. He’s been around before I married, after I married, after having a child and after getting divorced. It’s been a long time span with a lot in between. Seventeen years full of laughter and tears.

When he was a puppy he was the most timid dog I’d ever seen. Scared of his own shadow and scared of the outdoors. I had to teach him how to remain calm outside, how to go for a walk and remain by your side. I even trained him how to use a litter box when he was inside. When I think back to all the things he knows, he sure is a smart dog. When we’d go for a walk and were on our way home I’d drop the leash about three houses up from ours and I’d say, “go home!” He’d take off like a rocket and run straight for the side door of our house and wait ’til I got there. He was smart as a whip. He was smart, loyal and jealous of anyone that got near me.

About two years ago walks became difficult. He would run to the side door like he usually did. But when he got to the steps he would put his front paws on the first step and wait for me to pick him up and carry him inside. His back started giving him issues. The vet advised he had a bone spur. Walks became shorter and then eventually nonexistent. He stopped following me upstairs as well since the steps became too difficult to go up and down. I missed our walks but he still loves the outdoors to this day. He gets a big smile on his face any time he’s outside.

This year he stopped getting up on the living furniture. He also has a hard time holding in his urine so I have pee pads down for him in a few areas of the house. He’s also on a liquid food diet which consists of gravy, baby food, and FreshPet dog food mashed up with water mixed in. So he eats several times a day because the liquid food diet isn’t very filling.

With every issue he has had in his older years, I have found some way to still make things work and to accommodate his every need. I am not sure how many hours of my day are spent on caring for his special needs, but if I had to do it all over again, I would. After all he is my family.

He had a check up a couple of weeks ago to see if he could make it another winter. The vet advised it would be very hard on him. He is just beginning to lose the use of his back legs (he can walk and run but has trouble positioning them when standing). And the vet can only hear a murmur instead of his heart beating.

It is time to let him go this Autumn. For two years I have been grasping so tightly to keep my very best friend here, but it is time to let him go. It is so difficult to let go of your pets unconditional love.

Another writer turned me on to a podcast that is the Buddhist Society of Western Australia. More specifically Ajahn Brahmavamso. There is one episode titled Letting Go of the Ones We Love. I highly recommend you give it a listen. Especially if, like me, you also have trouble letting go. In that episode Ajahn states that you should grieve only at the funeral. After that your grief is for your selfish need to still have that person be a part of your life. It is about your need and what you feel you are missing.

I am allowing myself to cry when grief comes. When I see how much he still wants to live, I grieve and I will grieve when he is gone. But I really try not to and tell myself not to be selfish anymore. I have wanted him here so badly because of what I will be losing but it’s time for me to allow him to have peace and no longer feel any pain. I guess those are the important things to keep in mind when letting go of your pets. It is just something you have to do for them, no matter how much you still need them.

So, as the Autumn leaves begin to fall they will teach me the beauty of letting go.