HANDY

Grabbing Gals by the Pussy, and Other Things You Can Snatch Because Trump Says It’s OK.

You don’t even have to be a star like he is

Father figure, fearless leader, expert politico, media darling, frequent visitor to the ̶r̶o̶y̶a̶l̶ court, and semi-demi-God, Donald “Angry Creamsicle” Trump said so, so it must be right.

So MAGAts, listen up.

“Grab them by the pussy” is just the beginning.

Here’s the rest-of-the-best list straight from Mango Mussolini’s mouth to your ears.

1. Ron DeSantis: Grab that pussy by the throat and help a brother out. Besides, if DeSanctimonious leaves me alone he can focus on his dance-of-death duel with Disney.
2. A double double with bacon and cheese: Juicy! Give it a squeeze and down that bad boy. You didn’t think I was gonna leave my favorite health foods outta this grab-n-go party didya?
3. Bobble-Brained Boebert: Talk about j — u — i — c — y! Soon to be “irreconcilably differenced” and ready for some hot, QGOP, MAGAt, gun-toting-granny, action. Grab? Nah. Protect yourself in the clinches and wear body armor.
4. George Santos: He’s now claiming he’s just like Boebert. Must be mildly confused. Still, snatch up this tasty treat before he becomes someone else’s prison bitch.
5. Rootin’ Tootin’ Vladimir Putin: My bestie is always up for a game of “find the hidden missile silo” but I’d be über-careful about suddenly snatching anything on that boy. Little known fact, “Stranger in the Tub” by Sinatra, is his favorite song.
6. Ted “Thoughts-n-Prayers” Cruz: Wait for the next mass murder in Texas (coming soon to a media outlet near you), then snag Ted by the bible verses. For Ted’s thoughts, you’re going to have to figure out where to grab one of those slippery devils, if, and when, one bubbles up.
7. Greg “Gun Lobby” Abbott: Grab Gunner Greg by his NRA payola. He’ll squeal like a piglet.
8. Melania: Don’t grab Resting-Snapping-Turtle-Face by the anything, not even the hand. You’re likely to get yours bit off.

Well maggoty psychophants, I’ve got to move it along. Thanks for listening. Now get out there and grab someone or something inappropriate, the crazier the better.

See you all in 2024 and beyond, speaking of snatch-fests. There’ll be no need for a stop-the-steal campaign then, my troops will see to that.

Can’t get enough of my good stuff?