Goodbye To The Girl Who Never Lived

Living for others is not the same as living for yourself

For 26 years, I thought I lived a good life.

I prided myself on the virtues ingrained in me. To respect our elders who came before us. To compromise for others.

I was a good daughter. I was a good sister. But there was one thing I wasn’t good at. Being main character material.

I didn’t have a narrative of my own. No photo albums depicting my valiant quests. I only existed in my family’s memories, not in the fabric of life.

Living requires pursuing your dream. Ticking off your desires like a bucket list. Giving yourself a existential purpose.

I had done none of the above.

Somehow, along the way, I forgot how to live.

To be a good main character, I had to be selfish, something that wasn’t in my nature. But I realised that selflessness and selfishness are two sides of a coin. Twins that must co-exist.

I stopped living the moment I flipped the coin.

Heads: Selflessness

I chose the good twin, the one who promised fulfilment from humbling one’s self. But too much of anything is bad, even with selflessness.

When you put others’ needs before your own, you start to forget about yourself and your identity, every part of you crumbling away.

Your wants and needs are tucked into the “save for later” pile while you prioritise the other orders.

Their dreams become your dreams. Their life becomes your life.

I don’t regret being selfless. It taught me the value of responsibility. It felt good to be the person to rely on. I only wish I didn’t leave myself behind.

To become as good as humanly possible, I served myself to others on a platter. I gave them my eyes, so they could see rationally and make the right decision. I gave them my ears, so they could whisper the worries I needed to dispel.

I gave them my heart, so they could gain the strength and comfort they needed. I gave my mind for conjuring new ideas and my body to run errands.

But after giving everything I possess, what did I have left? Who am I without my mind and body? All that remains is my soul but there are no wants or needs. Only cold emptiness. I became the invisible woman.

Why do frustrated tears prickle my eyes when I’m doing a good deed? This feeling was not what I was promised.

Saying no was like swallowing cement. It was hard to get out.

The more selfless and respectful I became, the less I received back. My kindness gave way to a wave of toxic people who disregarded my boundaries, acting entitled as though my respect is something they are owed.

Instead of being the cool, serene water guiding them, I became the sand under their feet, my existence stomped on. A nuisance getting in-between their toes.

What good came from devoting myself to the virtues I learnt? I felt like a fool who believed everyone would jump into the deep water, only to be the one left soaking.

There is no such thing as being a saint. No one can be that selfless. People still acted on their wants and needs, so why did I give mine away?

The final straw was when I almost gave my soul. When I almost sacrificed my writing dream to boost another person’s dream on my shoulders. I was there at their beck and call, determined for their success.

But I became invisible once again. My words were considered less important than the work they were doing at that moment. My messages were left unread with no response.

I had been replaced. In a crowd of people we met, I became a stranger to the one person I cared about.

All those times my selflessness wasn’t reciprocated caught up with me. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I don’t want my footsteps washed away as though they never existed.

So, I’m saying goodbye.

Tails: Selfishness

I’m saying goodbye to those late nights I waited for your call, despite you knowing the time differences.

I’m saying goodbye to being the last thought on your mind when you were always the first thought in mine.

My sidekick era is over. I flip the coin and choose me.

As a middle child, you don’t see yourself as much of a leader. I’m more of a peace maker, extinguishing fires and consoling both parties without lingering on either side.

I’ve always been the behind-the-scenes person, not the one dazzling on stage. Naturally, we look up to our elder siblings as the next leader. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be leaders ourselves.

In my invisible state, I was happy letting someone else take the lead. But now, I want to be the boss of my own existence.

Instead of distributing myself like a turkey, I want to keep myself selfishly intact. I want to balance my responsibilities with my dreams. I deserve the respect and courtesy I have given others my whole life.

I want to make decisions with my eyes. I want to comfort myself with my ears. I want to write all the wonderful ideas in my mind. I want to fill my heart with all the things I left behind. I want to take proper care of my body.

From the depths of the water, an empty bottle swims up to the shore. It has my name on it, waiting to be filled with my new life experiences.

Selfishness was never the bad twin. If both sides are consumed too much, they both become poisonous to our wellbeing.

Life is about balance. Be selfless to others but be selfish for yourself. There is plenty of room to support others and yourself. Don’t ever be the only person sacrificing in your life.

Goodbye to the selfless girl who never lived. And hello to the woman who’s ready to conquer the world.

Inspired by ADEOLA SHEEHY-ADEKALE’s wonderful prompt below!

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