Starbucks moves to the dark side

Goodbye Starbucks, I’m Sixteen Again

Coincidence or fate?

Dear Starbucks -

I’ve loved you from the moment my lips touched your cup, and your hot, steamy caffeinated liquid gold tantalize my tongue. I’ve been your biggest fan. I’ve spent my entire adult life buzzing on you. I’ve assaulted people who got between us. I’ve credited you for any good ideas I’ve ever had in meetings. I’ve blamed you for all my mistakes. “Sorry, I haven’t had my coffee yet.” I’m no longer sorry.

I named my dog “Pike” and my cat “Extra Skinny Latte.”

I have invested my 10,000 hours at Starbucks stores typing on my laptop or chatting with friends over caffeinated beverages and sugary snacks.

I have a Starpugs t-shirt I wear to show my love of Pugs and Starbucks.

I posed for waterlogged selfies outside the original Seattle store.

I had an entire birthday party where EVERYONE gifted me coffee.

I LOVE coffee.

So, it’s particularly odd that I developed a sensitivity to coffee just as Starbucks began moving to the dark side of the political spectrum. I put up with you being closed all the time during the pandemic when other businesses were open. I was true to you. I stood by you. I kept coming back.

But, now, union busting? Come on, Schultz. I have your book “From the Ground Up,” but I’ve not yet read it. Maybe I will now just to do a psychoanalysis of you as I read. I already know you’re a coward because you stepped down just as you broke my company.

Yes, MY company. I am a Starbucks Gold card member, for Christ’s sake.

I did read “How Starbucks Saved My Life,” and I’ve had a burning desire to work at Starbucks ever since! A job at Starbucks was my backup plan in case the CEO of my company decides cutting my salary will help him pay for a new Tesla. Where will I go to find gainful employment with other liberal-minded, intelligent, logical beings? It ain’t gonna be Starbucks, that’s for damn sure.

Not only is Starbucks now dead to me, but I also cannot even enjoy another cup of coffee because of this damn health issue I now have. I can’t drink coffee in the morning on an empty stomach without feeling dizzy and nauseous. Killing customers may work for heroin dealers but it’s not a good look for a coffee corporation.

The first sip of that first cup plugged me in and opened my eyes. I was powered up. The first sip of the second cup pushed the caffeine into my bloodstream to get me sitting up and talking coherently and ready for my first conference call of the day. I was awake and functional, and I thought it was all because of you.

I’ve been drinking coffee since I was seventeen years old. My first boss got me started. She would make coffee at the end of the night to help her do her paperwork. I would drink it, too, hoping it would transcend me to a better job that didn’t involve a mop bucket.

I’m now essentially back to my sixteen-year-old, coffee-virgin self. It’s weird. I’m awake. I think. I’m getting things checked off my list of things to do. I just applied patches to five different software products in two lower environments at work and only fell asleep twice. Amazingly enough, all the software is still working even without you, Starbucks. In fact, I think things might be working BETTER without you.

I am sixteen again.

And I don’t need you anymore, Starbucks.

Goodbye, Starbucks!

May you rot in your own grounds.

Sincerely,

Uncaffeinated Former Starbucksian

Thanks Adam Robinson for making this better. I need all the help I can get without caffeine.