Goodbye Ego, Goodbye Fear

Open the doors to change

There’s one thing stopping you from getting everything you want: You

The old you.

The caricature you might be used to wearing like a mask, putting on when you go places and meet people: your Ego.

It’s a set of ideas you’ve picked up about yourself that helps you feel like you know who you are, what you should say, what you like — it even gives you sentence starters to say and think about stuff that happens. But it’s proud and fearful of being exposed as fake. In the midst of constant change and cosmic uncertainty — spinning mammals, third rock from the sun -these ideas limit what you can be.

‘It Ain’t What You Don’t Know That Gets You Into Trouble. It’s What You Know for Sure That Just Ain’t So’ Mark Twain

To escape the walls of the ego we need to understand how they were built:

Parents

My parents used to tell me that I was smart but lazy. Hardworking, but useless with relationships. I got it into my head that that’s who I was — smart, full of potential, but unable to relate and communicate, irresponsible.

This is the story I told myself. The upshot of it was that I needed to create something super amazing on my own. So good that it would be successful so I wouldn’t have to. This made me even more introverted, by my own deliberate design. I sought extroverted friends so they could do the social parts of life for me. They stole all available social thunder in all social situation and I became more introverted and shy.

The root cause this at one point crippling shyness was that my elder brother was scripted to be the social, charming, and talented one. I was the opposite. People think in binaries when they’re not thinking.

This idea came from my parents, the logic of their relationship, their view of children, the impact of having a second child at that time in life, the aging process on them — it was in no way founded on a psychological study of me and my capacities. Some parents are better than others at scripting their children. But whatever the scripts your parents give you, you need to understand them as that, just their ideas about you, made for their own purposes, often without much thought. If the scripts work great and you’ve got everything you want — money, friends, loving relationships, success in what you care about, clear values to work on, etc. — then they’re good scripts, keep them. If like me, the result of them is negative and they lead you to shirk work, miss opportunities, fear change, etc. — then you need to change them.

My brother, by the way, was just as fooled as I was: he expected the world to throw all its love, praise, and money down at his feet as soon as he left school — the shock that he’d have to work for it and be humble, rather than the shining golden boy of my parents, is something he’s still trying to deal with.

Friends

Your family picture gives you the mask you take to school. People match up masks just like I did. If I think I’m shy, I’ll either find more shy people to hide with or extroverts to compensate for me. We thus reinforce each other’s scripts. Playground banter, stereotypes, and gossip make the lines of these masks brighter, bolder, and more, seemingly, unchangeable. If everyone thinks I’m shy, then I must be, right?

Wrong, everyone only thinks it because I always tell everyone that’s the case. You get to the same position with your friendship groups as with your family — you are the shy one, or the less attractive one, or the funny one or the smart one, and other people take other positions in the group.

This process can easily take a person all the way through life — from their parental judgments (made often in the first few years of life when you’re character hasn’t even begun to exist) to your primary school, to secondary, to university, to your first job-scene, your next one, into your own family, you reinforce it more with this group –

Culture

There’s plenty of TV, magazines, music, movies, websites, news channels, social media threads etcetera that cater (often cynically) to personality types — if your shy there is a whole world of shy-persons-content out there to reinforce that shyness.

Culture, like friends, but even more easily, reinforce what you think about yourself.

Your parents told you that you are too emotional, not tough enough, a cry baby (you were only 5!) so you identify as someone emotionally sensitive, you take on the mannerism of being softly spoken, deferring to louder people, being compassionate in the things you say (if not always your thoughts), you make friends on this basis — you’re an ‘emo’ now, or a goth, or a geek or a [insert label] — and there is a ton of media pushed articles to reinforce that ego: clothes, posters, books, movies, songs, etc — in every movie there is at least one character who you are supposed to identify with — you go ahead and do that and you feel the pleasure of being reinforced.

The bedroom of your mind, like your actual bedroom, is plastered in posters that tell you your an [insert identity] —

Your Behavior

In that room, what you are doing also reinforces the ego? These bahaviours again are mainly learned and imitative. You might be looking researching Astrophysics, or reading online conspiracy theories, or slouched against a buzzing amplifier with a bottle of beer and in one hand and a guitar over your shoulder. these actions become habitual, are seized on by the ego, they become ‘who you are.’

Open doors to change

Having these fixed ideas about yourself, in any area of your life, means you can’t grow much, you can’t up-level, you can’t release potential that doesn’t fit into these narrow ideas. If they’re internalized, you can’t even begin to believe that change is possible.

These ideas determine your thoughts which determine what you expect from yourself and others, which determine what you say and do, which determines the response you get, which determines your levels of happiness and success.

If these seeds are good — and you are happy with your current lifestyle — your relationships, your job, your wealth, your health, your prospects for the future — then no need to change them. but if you are not satisfied with some elements of your life, look at the seeds.

The ideas of the ego limit you to certain actions and beliefs, which limit your effectiveness

The ego likes to play safe and stay within its comfort zone which means that real growth is not possible most of the time

The ego likes to surround itself with likeminded things, which again limits your access to change and growth

The ego is your fear of change.

Final thoughts: Challenge the old Ego

Let people know

Let your parents know if there are ways in which they define you which make you feel uncomfortable and limit you. Have difficult conversations with them about not talking to you in this way or assuming you are not capable of this or that or pigeonholing you in general. Let them know you are serious by changing your behavior and not giving them the access to you that they are used to. Don’t see them so much for a while and when you do, present them with evidence of a different type of character and see how they can relate and connect with that person.

The same with friends — here though it’s likely that some friends are better left behind as the effort to make change may well exceed the importance you have for each other. Apply the vampire test — if after spending time with people you feel drained, they are vampires — give them a wide birth.

Consume culture differently

With culture, stop reading the same old newspapers or websites, or watching the same people talk about the same things. Deliberately seek out different opinions.

Change your behavior

Change your foundational habit. This worked wonders for me. I played guitar every day for years and years and it was part of an ego image of myself that went along with a lot of negative views about the world and bad habits. When I stopped playing, I set myself free. As with culture, try ‘fasting’: don’t do the things you are habituated to doing for a week, a month — see if your mind feels different.

Challenge old thoughts

If a thought comes from one old script — saying for example that you are too shy to try this, or this is too materialistic for you to be involved in — think about the consequence of that thought — does it limit your ability to grow and be happy? If it does, then challenge it. That’s an old idea from my ego which is really just cos I’m a bit scared, and a bit scared is good, lets go…

In this way, you’ll declutter your life and your head and be ready to focus on the things you value and the best ways to get them up and running. Take a look at these 5 Simple Steps to Self Change for ideas on how to take it from there.