Go Viral. Write about Religion.

I guess all we really want in life is answers.

God is Dead. No, wait. God is likely to visit you in your living room.

Hopefully not as a zombie.

I have no explanation for why words like “non-believers” trigger me faster than Instant Pots, billionaires, and #vanlife, but I can’t resist a heartfelt tirade about God, who turns out to be their God.

No one has yet snapped a photo of Him. If you ask the atheists, it’s because, well. If you ask the true believers it’s because God, like vampires, does not appear in photographs. Or they might explain, as if to a child, that God is incorporeal.

That means floating, kinda.

For or Against

Aside from Donald Trump, nothing is more divisive than God. The weird part is, all the people who believe fully that some being — usually in the sky, let’s be real — is looking out for them don’t mind that their fellow believers fall into 1,247 different sects.

I’m not sure how this works but apparently, you atheists are the devil while the other 1,246 religious organizations are tolerable.

Except for the marginally sacrilegious clubs. Like the Catholics, or the Muslims, or the Jews, or the Scientologists.

Or the Mormons. Or…well, pretty much any religion that’s powerful and popular and owns a lot of real estate.

The Buddhists don’t seem to rile anyone up, but you’ve gotta admit their beliefs are deeply non-threatening and vastly ambiguous. And Buddha is just so…darn…cute.

My own church, where I am learning to crochet using plastic yarn made from recycled grocery bags, is of the Unitarian persuasion.

I don’t believe in God, but the Unitarians guiding principle is tolerance, so they put up with us. Also, they need crocheters, ’cause there is a lot of plastic in this world that was created in seven days.

Lord, It’s Hard to Be Humble

As an avowed and periodically rabid atheist, I sincerely believe that the idea of God is central to life and highly important. We desperately need humility, and so if believing in God helps with that I’m all for it.

I personally cannot believe in God because I’ve watched corpses decay, regularly write about serial killers, and at the tender age of eight was attending the Metropolitan Christian Center when we were told we could dip our hands into a huge pot of coins and take all we wanted if we brought a friend to church.

Uh, that’s not what the Children’s Bible said.

Without Jesus or Mohammed, I practice humility by making dumb decisions on a daily basis, then asking myself why. Also, whenever I see the deer in the forest I am humbled by their superpowers. Last winter, the temperature here fell to near zero for over a week and it snowed heavily and they all survived.

That’s right, they don’t have thick winter coats, caves, indoor heating, fireplaces, or any of that. And yet they got through it.

I wonder. When people accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and savior, do they feel humble all the time? Maybe that’s the secret…and they feel sorry for the rest of us who need constant reminders of our smallness and insignificance.

We who must listen to Dust in the Wind.

I prefer the Muslim approach, five times bowing daily. This makes a lot more sense.

But the problem is, if the true believers are all so humble why are they telling other people what to do, how to live, and what to believe?

When asked why their sect is the right one, they say there’s no proof, you just have to believe. Isn’t this a little like when you’re a kid and you ask your parents why you can’t eat the whole box of cookies, and they finally throw up their hands in exasperation and say:

Because I said so.

Cults R Us

I was writing about Tony Alamo the other day, asking myself “how have I never heard of this guy?” He led an Arkansas cult for decades, beginning in the 1960s in Los Angeles with his whacked-out bride, who just before she died announced she would rise from the dead, so Tony put her body on display in the cult courtyard. For six months.

Spoiler: she did not rise from the dead.

This guy made millions. He and his late wife, Susan, convinced thousands of people to join, used their free labor to create airbrushed jean-jackets which sold like hotcakes to celebrities, and sat back collecting fat stacks.

Things didn’t end well for Tony. Eventually, he went on the run and got thrown in prison for tax evasion and sex trafficking.

I guess my dream of getting rich by bamboozling the masses will never work as I can’t sing, lack charisma, and have a conscience.

Final Thoughts and Prayers

Don’t take it from me. Write about your strong conviction, whatever it is.

I’d love to read about why Baptists have all the answers. What’s the special secret? I strongly suspect it’s the showmanship.

I live in the South. We have a lot of ponds and lakes in which to baptize people. I reckon that’s a big factor, too. I mean, it’s rural here and relatively warm outside most of the year, so water is a major form of entertainment.

The Baptists co-opted hanging out down by the lake all summer.

The Catholics are ahead of the game. They rebranded stained glass, drinking alcohol, and robes.

I hope I haven’t offended anyone.