Giving It All Up!

Those, who have read my stories before, know that I am a transgender woman, finally embracing my identity after more than half a century of suffering dysphoria and not understanding why or who I actually was.

I’m not going to explain how that can be, those who have never experienced the jolting disconnect of not living the life of who you are because you are not even conscious that a person like yourself is a thing, let alone possible, can never truly understand. The rest of you are most likely already on board. Plus, so many have written about this experience most older transgender persons finally coming out share.

But the awareness and understanding is only the first step. So, while I arrive at this step at the tender age of 58, I had a lot invested in a life that had been filled with many wonderful experiences and achievements.

I met the love of my life in my early twenties. This became only my second and last long-term relationship, so I was still very inexperienced in the ways of love and relationships. I also had some internalized kinks that I was afraid to share early on, so being a consistent and caring partner was not my strong suit to start. However, after a few starts and stops, I pursued my love and proved to her that I was committed and a reliable partner. We married and raised two wonderful children, a son and daughter, of whom we could not be more proud nor love even a drop more. (As for you, GC’s out there, they do happen to be “cis”. We did not groom them, but the key is that they happen to be cis.)

I also have had a wonderful career, working as a consultant an engineer the entire time. Yes, I am an avid reader of all types, philosophy, history, fiction, plus the sciences. Je suis un amateur d’art et aussi un amoureux des langues. My degrees are in Physics, and Computer Science with a heavy emphasis on Mathematics and English.

My wife and I have many interests in common. We enjoy camping and hiking, are birders, and play musical instruments together and in separate groups. We both attend and are active in our church. We also participate together in many programs within the Alliance Française.

Nevertheless, my wife and I also have our separate interests, activities, and circles of friends. In short, I have a good life that I value and cherish. Yet I really was not happy because I could not connect my inner identity, my essence, to the life I was living. It’s not that this life is incompatible with my essence, it is that I had hidden my essence behind layers of walls for so long, I had no way to reach it to connect the two.

So there I was, living as a successful man, husband, and father. Living in our dream home with my wonderful wife as empty nesters. Enjoying travel, music and hikes together. On the surface an idyllic life. Yet all along, I was disassociating from it all. I did not truly connect or nor was I present in the moment except in little bursts of energy and moments of euphoria (most often during any event or conversation that came close to identifying me as female). Until it all broke down. I began to understand my gender identity when the wall finally cracked. I started to tear the wall down, but I was still in hiding. I was going through the motions of living.

Everyone around me could tell something was wrong. Yet no one had any real idea of what actually was wrong. The idea that I was transgender was not even a momentary question to wife, children, brother, sister, friends, or coworkers. They mostly assumed that I was stressed and burnt out from the pandemic lockdown combined with surgeries that made me give up running and triathlons. They gave me love and support, but it was not on target. I really appreciated and cherished their every effort; even so, it only reinforced my sense of isolation.

I was in a trap. I was terrified to come out. I had never told my wife about my gender identity, because, until the age of 58, I did not know who I really was. It is so easy to learn to tuck your identity away in childhood in the face of teasing, bullying, and firm boundaries placed on you by parents, teachers, and other figures of authority. Moreover, in the 70’s, any images available of gender nonconformance were presented as freakish, laughable, and terrifying. It is truly horrible what growing up like this does to a child’s sense of self, value, and ability to interact socially. (Please, please, do not do this to your children!)

I knew deep down inside, I had to tell my wife. I had to reveal a secret to deep and shameful, I had hidden it from myself for over half a century. Once I could no longer hide the truth from myself, I still did not believe she or others could accept this secret. I assumed that when I was found-out or came-out, that my workplace would find a pretext to ensure that I left the company or at least was sidelined and left in a corner to hide (and rot). Before I could move forward to living my truth and coming out, I had to accept that I could lose everything. It was even more than that. In order to tell my wife, I first had to believe I was ready to lose everything. I had to project myself into a future in which I was alone and surviving, but my at least living as my true self. I had to realize that, as awful as that imagining was, it was still better than continuing a life that was now becoming an act, a hollow image of what it had been.

Even then, that was not enough. It was the realization that I could not lie, I could not “not tell” her. It was the realization I had to give her the chance to choose to live her best life either with or without me, which convinced me to actually sit down and tell her. I did not reach this point alone. I needed help. I had started working with a therapist. My therapist acted more as a guide to helping me explore and understand myself. She gave me tools to open and explore rooms inside my soul and heart as well as exercises to help me incorporate those rooms into my living experience. And then I did the hardest thing I have ever one.

So what happened? I will write more on that later. For now, just know that every transgender person, who has had to live in hiding and self-denial, has experienced the knowledge and fear that they could and likely would lose everything they value by coming out. Please show love and compassion to those that do come out or especially that are forced out. Our lives can be terrifying enough without strangers turning out to be the monsters in the story of society versus transgender persons.

Until next time…