Giving From Our Hearts Instead of Our Heads

This is the season of obligatory giving. Releasing ourselves from this stressful conditioning can help us celebrate a true gift in December. Winter Solstice and a return of the Light.

“I want to live, I want to give, I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold” Neil Young “Heart of Gold” song, 1972

“Sis, stop. This is an emergency!” I was sailing along in my older sister’s jet stream as we ran errands in the weeks before Christmas. We passed a window display where I spied a five inch high, porcelain figurine of a doe deer and her baby fawn. “I have to get those for mom” I declared, pointing with my finger.

Sis was 14, nine years older than my punk 5 years and was also my willing, surrogate mother. I gave her a pleading look guaranteed to tug at her heart strings. She was a pushover. “Okay, let’s go in and see how much they cost, but no promises.”

The price seemed prohibitive but sis stated with conviction, “We’ll sell more wreaths!” Our father purchased them in quantity and we kids resold them slightly higher in price, to neighbors.

The deer were placed on hold. We returned home, loaded up our red wagon and set out on the annual, torture the neighbors into buying a wreath even if they had one, mission.

We scored big time, unloading two wagon fulls within hours, thanks to my sister’s suggestions flung at balkers. “You have a back door. Might as well put one there too!” Sis always came up with a good rap and enthralled me with her verbal skills.

I would stand in front of the wagon bearing a woeful, poor child look that never failed to reel the moms in. If it was really cold, I’d wipe a snotty nose on my sleeve. At this point, they’d do anything to get us out of there. Then turn and shake their heads. “Those poor kids, there’s so many of them!”

I ran back to the store with money clenched tightly and bought my precious duo. I was young but I knew what was really happening. The deer were a profound symbol. See me mom. I’m only one of many among your children, but I want to feel special. Can you look at me like mama deer looks at her fawn? Please.

Oh, how my tender little heart quaked when mother unwrapped my gift. The wide smile she bestowed on my questioning face. “This is very sweet and you must have worked hard for it. Thank you so much!” Heaven! Manna sprinkled down from above as my heart soared free. She liked it. I’ve been seen!

Doe and fawn were placed in the manger away from harm. Until my younger brother started playing with it a week later and broke the fawn’s front leg in half. I dissolved into tears when I discovered my wounded babe and went in search of tape to make her a cast. I repaired her injury the best I could, but she would carry her wound forward as I did, in my inner child’s heart.

“I’ve been in my mind. It’s such a fine line. That keeps me searching for a heart of gold. And I’m getting old.” Neil Young

This early lesson gifted me in two ways I would only understand with the passage of time. The first one was profound and carved it’s way in deep. I was looking for love and it could not be bought or sold.

The second was the symbol of deer would come to represent my inner nature, which I began hiding so my tender heart would not fracture further. Highly sensitive inner child became Tough Cookie. Go ahead, break my leg. You won’t break my heart again.

How she gained power as the years fled by. Tough Cookie became Rebel Teen and in turn, a wary, yet open Global Nomad took her place. Fawn grew up sheltered by necessity. Fearless in her outward countenance, while fragile within. I’m not hurting you. Don’t hurt me. If only our lives were that fair.

She also became the barometer of my heart. Was this action or those words emerging through my heart or mere platitudes?

This five year old memory resurrects itself each December. Fawn opened the door to the overwhelmed and stressed clients flooding my healing practice. And the litany would begin.

“I hate shopping!” “ Someone I don’t even like gave me a gift, now I have to find one for them!” “ Creepy relatives are coming and planned on staying with us without even asking!”

“I buy stuff on sale all year and throw it in a closet until I have to drag it out and wrap it like I care.” “ I don’t have the money to exchange presents with people at work, but they’ll judge me if I don’t.”

Confessions abounded as potent emotions were voiced and released into lavender and rose scented air. This was very atypical behavior for my heart oriented clients. The majority of them were women working full time, in addition to labor at home and managing children’s lives as well. The Helladay obligations took them to their edge.

The one thing we all agreed was seasonally pleasing was the turning of the wheel, as the Sun met up with Solstice and Light began it’s ascent. It’s so simple to light a candle or put up strings of light. Can’t that be enough?

So why does this relentless, guilt laden, gifting continue to hold sway on our actions?

Must we exchange goods to express love for one another? If the spirit of giving arises naturally and provides personal joy, then go for it. Some folk relish this time of year and effortlessly give unto others. Others are not so enthused, but pressured into pretending they are.

The dynamic becomes increasingly complex as we age and more is demanded and expected of us. Adulting means falling in line with the gifting tradition even if it breaks your budget and doesn’t stream from your heart. Get with the program or be labeled a Grinch.

I released myself from this seasonal bondage by traveling out of the country for many years. Festive and fun Christmases were spent on a beach or trekking in far away lands. A feast at night sufficed as a marker for the day and all other rituals were laid aside.

Meanwhile, little fawn still lay wounded in her inner lair. She awaited my seeing so I could unveil her gift. It took many years and a trip to Tibet, my spiritual homeland, before she gained the courage to fully emerge.

The Dharmachakra wheel of law is often depicted at the highest point on the roof of monasteries. A male and female Banyan deer sit on either side, both focused on the wheel centered between them.

This has become a universal symbolism of Buddhism and embodies the tale that Buddha once incarnated as a Golden Banyan deer who could speak to humans. He became a leader of his herd and saved them from suffering at the hands of ruthless hunters.

From this legend arose the symbol of deer which translates to harmony, happiness, peace and longevity. Deer are aware of their surroundings and gentle. They represent innocence, kindness, grace and good luck in Tibetan teachings. Seeing a deer is considered fortunate and can mean your spirit guides are present and watching over you.

“I’ve been to Hollywood. I’ve been to Redwood. I’ve crossed the ocean for a heart of gold.” Neil Young

The eight spokes of the Dharma wheel spun freely for the first time as I joined the deer and gazed inward while standing in front of a monastery in Tibet. I was re discovering wounded fawn. My inner child, so very tired of protecting my heart, a twenty four, seven shift. She had a lot to say.

“Let me free. I’m ready to fly. My heart can hold it all now. The pain, the joy. The leap, the falter. The rise and fall. The love and hate. The fear and letting go. Open. Gift me fully to yourself.”

Tears streamed down my face as I acknowledged her patience and long wait. “Okay little fawn. You are my truest gift. It is you who empowers my being to trust, hope and search for Light in every soul I encounter. You hold the key to my Kingdom. May I embody the wisdom of your Being. So be it.”

This small ritual of mine emphasized what giving from heart feels like versus giving from mental processes. I’ll take the first option, always.

May I suggest a mini revolution in your consciousness as this month plows onward? If you’re one of the people driving yourself into a nervous frenzy or even not, why not stand back from commercial drive and give of yourself instead?

Calling a friend in need and volunteering your support can mean the world to people suffering from isolation and loneliness during the holidays.

Drop a small treat into the hands of a homeless person. Smile at a stranger and be surprised at how eager they are to grin back. Laugh with a child’s delight at the wonder of holiday lights illuminating and magnifying our glow from within. Most of all, extend kindness and be as present as possible.

Join Neil Young and I in our worthwhile pursuit, miners on the hunt for hearts of gold. “Keep me searching. For a heart of gold. I’ve been a miner. For a heart of gold. And I’m growing old.”

There, buried in our own selves, we will find the glint we are seeking. Our riches will spill forth, encouraging those around us to set up their own inward expeditions.

Searching for those hidden veins, we are often afraid to shine in the light of day. Take courage. Once illuminated, you can pass your candle into the hands of those in need of comfort and joy. This is one of the greatest gifts we can offer each other. It’s free and fills empty hearts like no other action can. May you all be well.

Among Buddha’s last words to his disciples: “Follow no leader. Make of yourself a Light”

This piece was inspired by two Medium writers with hearts of gold, pockett dessert and Amy Marley. Thank you sisters in spirit. And extending my gratitude to all the other shining nuggets I’ve mined and found here. There are many.