Giving Advice

Summary

The author, a seasoned advisor, reflects on the evolution of their approach to giving advice, shifting from a place of ego-driven investment to one of unconditional love and learning.

Abstract

The author describes their extensive experience in giving advice, initially finding it empowering, especially when met with positive feedback. Over time, the satisfaction derived from advising has waned, becoming more of a means to an end. The author has learned to distinguish between caring, which involves mental and emotional investment in the outcome of the advice, and loving, which is unconditional and detached from the response. Despite the varying outcomes of their advice—ranging from laughter, life alterations, or continuous reliance without apparent success—the author has come to appreciate the value of the questions posed by advisees, as they catalyze self-reflection and growth. The author emphasizes that advice is inherently a two-way exchange, often enlightening the advisor as much as the advisee.

Opinions

The author initially found giving advice to be ego-boosting, particularly when it was well-

It can be a truly sucky job or it can be enlightening

On an average work day I give advice to between 20 and 50 people. I have been giving advice to people for several decades in one capacity or another. Long ago, it used to excite me — especially when I got positive feedback. It empowered me — or perhaps I should say it empowered my ego. Now I do it mostly just to pay the freaking rent.

I used to really care. I cared if the person took my advice to heart. I cared if they implemented my advice. I cared if my advice made a positive impact on their lives. I cared if they bothered to thank me. I cared if my advice was really appropriate and perfect. I cared whether or not I was truly helping.

But over the many years I realized that there was a difference between caring and loving. Loving is a heart function while caring is usually a brain/ego function. When you care you are mentally and emotionally invested in a response. When you truly unconditionally love, any response is immaterial.

I used to really, really care. But now I try to only really, really love.

It’s a very subtle difference.

Over the years I’ve had thousands of people come to me for advice. After giving them my advice many of them laugh, never consider my advice, and then never come to me for advice ever again.

Then there are those who seek my advice and after I give it to them that advice turns sour and practically ruins their lives and they hate me for it.

On an extremely rare occasion I will give advice to someone and they will come back to me to tell me that my advice was spot on and it thoroughly turned their life around. This scares me and confuses me and I usually never hear from them again.

Then there are those who seek out my advice and come back to me the following week to tell me that the advice was all wrong and didn’t work. But at the same time they ask me for more advice. I give it and they come back the following week to tell me that the advice was all wrong and didn’t work. And then they ask for more advice. I give it and it doesn’t work. And then they come back the next week for even more advice. It also doesn’t work and they come back the next week for even more advice.

Now these are the people I really like. They are so wonderful. Even though none of my advice works for them they keep coming back for more advice. These wonderful people are my teachers. They are the ones providing me with questions which squeeze out answers. They are the ones keeping the questions/answers wheel turning. The answers might not be appropriate or even remotely correct but those answers never show up without the questions. I would never open up to the answers without the questions overwhelming me. The answers might not be perfect for those asking the questions but they are somehow perfect for someone, somewhere, somehow — often for me.

Sometimes the best part of giving advice is receiving the questions. Sometimes the best part of giving advice is getting the advice from those who ask the questions; whether or not they are cognizant that they are answering questions for me or whether or not I am cognizant of receiving answers to questions they ask that I was too unaware to ask myself.

Advice is ALWAYS a two-way street.