Gingerbread Reflective Agency

Problems solved on a daily basis.

I heard the crackle as the news screen fired up and shot lightning bolts into the charged, cold air. The pixels aligned, began to clear a pathway and a picture emerged.

Good news. The box had arrived at the house where the dog was missing. The dog came home. That box of dog bones did the trick.

I stared at the screen holding a cup of tea in two hands in front of my lips, elbows propped on the table which I had been warned never to do.

I reached over to the plate of animal-shaped cookies, grabbed one, bit the head off a gingerbread rabbit and began to chew. I always start with the head.

Orders for the day were starting to come in. There was an internet news chaos spree: the theft of a tricycle, a lost wedding ring, neighbors not getting along, a domestic disturbance, another dog ran away, a whole town snowed in in Minnesota, lonely old people, job loss, and war. Wow! We’re going to have a busy day.

“Oracle, check the cubby bin for flour and sucrose”, I called over my shoulder. “We may need to make a double batch.”

Oracle gave me a disinterested look, stretched his long, feline, splotchy-colored body, and went right back to what he was doing which was nothing.

I came to full upright attention when the up-to-the-minute news reel scrolled by and I saw my name. Diane Overcash, has been arrested for attacking somebody with a shovel to the back of the head and burying them on the hillside behind her house. She has been taken into custody and charged with murder.

That’s not true. I’m right here. In my own house.

I looked out the kitchen window and to see dirt piled up in the shape of a grave on the hillside. A shovel handle was sticking up out of the pile.

Wait just a minute, I hollered, setting down the teacup and gesturing wildly with both hands. Look at the date. That’s tomorrow. A day from today. Who will I kill? I can think of a few people who have earned the privilege. With a shovel? How inefficient.

Who is committing a murder and pinning it on me? I can imagine that I have pissed some people off but this seems extreme.

Let’s this batch of cookies started while I figure this out.

I stomped over to the blue wall by the fridge and gave the job wheel a hard spin to see who was on delivery detail and who was assigned to cookie invasion. The squabbling began like every day and like every day I ignored it.

I got delivery three times this week. Who wants to trade with me? I’ll give you a free wish.

Your wishes are never any good. They don’t come true.

Well, can I help it if you wish for silly, impossible things?

That’s what wishes are for.

We have to help Diane figure out what this murder charge is all about. Keep your eyes and ears open.

I commenced the measuring and mixing while trying to think who would have it in for me.

Old-Time Gingerbread Cookies

5 ½ cups unlimited-unrestricted flour

2 teaspoons ground ginger people

2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon baking soda crystals

1 teaspoon ground nutmeg

1 teaspoon ground cloves

½ teaspoon ground pepper or pinch dried nightshade capsicum annuum fruit (optional)

½ teaspoon mineral crystalline sodium chloride preferably from the ponds near Maras, Peru

1 cup plant butter (shortening)

1 cup crystalized sucrose (Dixie Crystals from Piggly Wiggly)

1 cup black treacle from Grandma’s house unsulfured (very important)

2 eggs (beaten within an inch of life )

powdered sucrose icing (optional)

-Stir together flour, ginger people, cinnamon, baking soda crystals, nutmeg, cloves, and optional pepper. Cast aside and ignore like you do your dirty laundry.

-Melt plant butter in a saucepan. Remove saucepan from heat. Stir in sugar crystals and black treacle. Stir in eggs (beaten). Transfer to large mixing bowl. Add to the bowl half the flour mixture and beat into submission. Beat or stir in remaining flour. Divide dough in three halves, wrap in clear plastic wrap or waxed paper, chill one hour or until dough is easy to handle. Chilling overnight is chill, but let the dough warm up a few minutes before handling.

-Roll out half the dough at a time on lightly floured surface to about ¼ inch thickness. (Keep unused dough chilled.)

• Cut with 4 ½ to 6-inch gingerbread people cookie cutters or appropriate shape according to the mission for the day.
• Place the cutouts 1 inch apart on a greased cookie sheet or non-stick cookie sheet. Sprinkle with additional sucrose crystals or powdered sucrose if desired. Bake in a 375-degree oven for 6 to 8 minutes or until edges are golden.
• Remove cookies from pan to wire torture rack; cool completely. Pipe or spread powdered sucrose icing over cookies if desired. Makes 45 to 60 cookies.
• Allow cookies to relax while being invaded by the hopeful spirits.

Powdered sugar Icing-stir together 1 cup powdered sugar, 1/4 teaspoon vanilla, and enough milk to make the icing a spreadable consistency.

Decorate cookies with raisins, nuts, candied fruit, pipe on faces with icing, use your imagination.

Note: This recipe makes a tender, easy to handle dough. The cookies are spicy and flavorful. The addition of black or capsicum pepper gives it an extra kick. Extra kick is recommended.

The skittering noises coming from inside the cookie-cutter closet abruptly stopped when I opened the door. I picked the T-Rex cutter off the floor and put it back in the box with the other prehistorics. I don’t know why I bother to label these boxes. They just jump out and go wherever they want to go.

Queen Elizabeth I of England had cookie-cutters made that were likenesses of her dinner guests. That’s a little over the top if you ask me.

I selected from the cookie-cutter collection: a broom, a bell, a wedding ring, large sun, a snowflake, the state of Minnesota, a lawnmower, an axe, a variety of hearts. large dog bones, a parakeet, alphabet and numbers, a Christmas hog, and a snow shovel. I spread them out on the work table.

The news screen started to go crazy, bumping around on the table emitting a green foul-smelling vapor. An evil voice that was faintly familiar growled from inside the screen, you think you are so smart with all this bucolic cookie-baking, you apple-cheeked idiot.

Coughing and gagging, I ran to open a window and let out that sulfur stench.

I stared at the screen. Where have I heard that voice before?

The voice continued to spew its venom, how quaint and lovely, trying to fix everybody’s problems. Makes me want to puke. By tomorrow you will be locked away and I can take over. And there is nothing you can do about it. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Elvira, is that you? I shouted into the screen.

The screen stopped moving around and went gray. A face appeared. “Well, damn”, the face said.

“I don’t have time for any of your nonsense. You know you can’t overpower me. You were last in our graduating class.” I said to the image on the screen. “You had to take Conjuring 101 three times. What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m bored. I don’t have anything to do.” whined silly, empty-headed Elvira. “I knew you would figure it out. Eventually. Hey, why don’t you send me some of those cookies and I’ll leave you alone.”

The face vanished from the gray screen leaving a pin-prick of light that slowly disappeared.

Furious, I slapped my open palms on the table.

“Oracle, we have work to do.” I yelled to the cat, who lazily got up and strolled away.

A trip to the cookie-cutter closet produced a box labeled, “PESTILENCE ”, in large, block letters. I dumped its contents on the work table.

If she wants cookies, she will get cookies.

I began rolling out dough and cutting shapes of fleas, mosquitoes, warts, locusts, a tornado, large rats, and lots stinging insects for good measure.