Getting the Award
Defining the way we feel about ourselves.
For those of you looking to improve your perspective on parenting it would not hurt to pick up a book once in a while and learn something your parents did not attempt to teach you. I have always been a geek about books, physical books that I can hold that is. Mainly because I love the way the paper smells and how the pages feel between my fingers as I continue reading. With that said I just finished my second book from the summer. If I could give a recommendation, then Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, could possibly be your next read.
Truth, there is so much good in this book I could probably read it over and over again and get something new from it every time. For this write I wanted to speak on parenting and judgement because this really spoke to me. During COVID19, myself along with many other parents are home with their children working, schooling, entertaining, and many other jobs. All of those jobs under one roof with very little space to breathe and reset can really have you question what kind of parent you are. Especially when you tap into being vulnerable. If you do anything for yourself as a parent, read the final chapter Wholehearted Parenting in Daring Greatly. Soooooo many good points made in this chapter. I think it spoke to me because truthfully I have felt “never enough”.
The concept of raising children in a “never enough” culture had me evaluate my own childhood. Stay with me for just a moment while I give you a small snap shot of my life as a teenager.
I often sought out trying many things because I wanted to know, one if I could make it happen, and two could I win at it. So on paper my curriculum vitae looked amazing: Student Council VP, senior class secretary, made the volleyball team as a Freshman, Honors Society, recognized as most likely to succeed, are just a few pieces of papers which fills a box in my attic.
As I look back, the only time I could get my parents to show up to spend time with me is if I was being recognized for something great I had done.
Go ahead re-read that quote real quick, I’ll wait. Yep I have never understood why getting a piece of paper has meant so much to me as an adult. Coming from a divorced family, to sharing weekends, to single mom trying to give her girls whatever they needed in a “never enough” culture. I wanted my parents attention and they only showed up if I was getting an award for something. They would make it a priority to show up for that reason. So as you can see I have a lot of awards, (sigh). I grew up basing my worthiness on moments in time. I got exactly what I needed because I was the winner at something, shame culture at its core. I do not share this because I am mad at my parents, they were only trying to show me how proud they were of me, the best way they knew how. What they did not know is what I learned from this book and chapter.
We measure ourselves based on three components of scarcity: shame, comparison, and disengagement. Now I am not here to quote the whole book, but maybe make it a part of your book club one day, it may change your perspective on things.
Okay so back to my original reason for this post, Parenting and Judgement. As parents we want to know that the decisions we make for our kids are the right ones, that we can some how stare into the crystal ball and see their futures and know we raised great humans. However, in our society “how-to-parent” theories can lead us astray and into some lost places. Brene writes this:
“Certainty often breeds absolutes, intolerance, and judgement.”
I have obsessed over my parenting choices plenty. Are they eating the right foods, why aren’t they sleeping alone, my child still bed wets, nope she didn’t start walking by 9 months, don’t use so many curse words, oh there are so many! I have sought out my friends, family, books, doctors, etc for answers, or really just approval. After reading this chapter I was like WOW, WOAH, WOW! Why are we so obsessed? Why do we feel the need to have approval from others about the choices we make for our children? We can become so critical of one another because we latch on to these ideas of parenting that becomes, our way of doing, so it should be the way for everyone. There is so much self doubt in parenting, even self criticism if we see someone do something different then we did. I could go on and on. At the end of the day we judge ourselves and we judge others based on the unknown. Humans want certainty and when we don’t have it we get scared and when we are scared we blame ourselves and we blame others.
My Reflections…
- I am not better than you, nor the person you may be sitting across from. My ideas of being a good parent often stem from what I experienced as a child.
- I can say now I will try not to measure my child’s abilities based on the awards they receive whether 0 or 20.
- I will be present in my own fears and unknowns and I will show up for them in all my vulnerabilities.
- I am both weak and strong. I am a parent who will make mistakes but how I respond and own them will be what my children will remember.
- How I think and feel about myself can bleed into the thoughts of my children, so be mindful of how I treat myself.
- There is nothing wrong with looking for answers to parenting from others, but I believe you should really look to yourself first and understand who you are and want to be.
The question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?” as it is: “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?” Brene Brown
If you have made it to these last few words, Thank you. I hope you have enjoyed the read and the opportunity to see parenting in a different light.
