Getting Rid of The Effects of Toxic Shame From Your Life
You are worthy of Love even if you are a failure by other people’s standards
It’s natural that in our daily life we come across the behavior of ourselves and others which we do not like. Maybe the behavior hurts us or our interests. Maybe we simply think it is wrong or evil. Whatever the case maybe we are driven to wanting to condemn the behavior and also to try changing it.
How best to make them stop doing it? This is the question that one must ask themselves whenever they come across such behavior. Surely there are better ways than outright shame and blame. I will leave what those methods are for another time.
Many of us descend into verbal abuse or even physical abuse. This was all that we know and have been taught. Perhaps our parents use this tactic. We do not break the vicious cycle but we are agents for its continuation. We express our explicit disapproval by attempting to blame and shame the perpetrators of such actions. We simply do not realize the damage this can do.
Toxic Shame affects our Self-Image
The use of the term “toxic shame” was first introduced in the 1960s by Sylvan Tomkins, an American psychologist and theorist. Toxic shame can be devastating to the self-worth, dignity, and self-confidence of individuals. They might even be driven to severe anxiety issues if they are shamed day in day out. It is a destructive emotion that might even manifest in physical and psychological symptoms.
When toxic shame is internalized, it alters our self-image. By experiencing the intense fear of being cast out of a group, overwhelming anxiety may paralyze a person. The thing about internalized shame is that we are not aware of that we subconsciously have painful emotional flashbacks. If we just feel a sense of shame we’re able to differentiate and dis-identify with it, but if shame consumes your very being it’s really hard to do that.
No one is born imperfect and with a sense of toxic shame and self-hate. No one is born with a sense of failure. When you experience the feeling of being inherently wrong and flawed, that’s what toxic shame manifests like. No one chooses that without something giving them the reason to. And that’s part of what makes abusive situations so bad. Teaching us, brainwashing us and our emotions to self-hate on top of what’s already going on.
Often at times, we hate ourselves because it's easier to believe that we just suck really bad than to endure the pain of knowing adults just completely failed us as children. Hating ourselves is often preferred over feeling the horror, the helplessness, the searing rage at the unfairness of being neglected and abused.
Toxic Shame vs Valid Shame
The function of pain is to prevent us from damaging our own tissue. The function of shame is to prevent us from damaging our social relationships, or to motivate us to repair them
I do not refuse to acknowledge the legitimate place for shame in some situations. It can be a force for good and for social cohesion, serving a vital evolutionary function. Healthy shame motivates us to not repeat a wrong action by making us feel really bad about the wrong action.
Researchers have found that the intensity of shame people feel when they imagine various actions (stealing, stinginess, laziness, etc.) accurately predicts the degree to which those actions would lead others in their social world to devalue them
The intensity of shame you feel when you consider whether to take a potential action is not just a feeling and a motivator; it also carries vital information that seduces you into making choices that balance not only the personal costs and benefits of action but also its social costs and benefits. Shame takes the hypothetical future disapproval of others, and fashions it into a precisely calibrated personal torment that looms the closer the act gets to commission or discovery
— John Tooby, a professor of anthropology at UC Santa Barbara
That being said, what we should strive to eradicate is toxic shame. There are many differences between toxic shame and ordinary valid shame. Toxic shame:
- results in psychological symptoms that may disturb healthy functioning, contributing to anxiety disorders and even depression
- sum up over time to be without a direct cause or reason, hiding under consciousness.
- is of greater intensity and can even manifest in physical symptoms
- makes you numb to other positive emotions and hinders your ability to express these emotions
- when internalized leads to or contributes to shame anxiety and negative core beliefs — I’m stupid, I’m unattractive, I’m a failure, I’m a bad person, I’m a fraud or a phony, I’m selfish, I’m not enough, I’m unloveable, I hate myself, etc. It leads to very deep and extensive feelings of inadequacy.
How do you undo the effects of toxic shame?
If you've been subjected to a culture of toxic shame and blame, especially during childhood, you have to work to acknowledge the negative effects it has had on your personality, relationships and psychological state, and work to correct them via a reframing of your cognitive patterns. The path to healing is in my opinion very difficult.
- Talk to others or to a therapist about how you actually feel about yourself. Bring those negative thoughts and core beliefs out into the table and analyze and criticize them for yourself. Get the help of others to do just that.
- Acknowledge the little inner child looking for love and recognition. Be vulnerable with genuine people who care and let them send positive messages into your soul.
- Learn to love yourself. Find and write down things about your self you love. Write love letters to yourself and read them aloud and embrace and hug yourself. Practice positive self-talk and mantras.
- Remove people involved in criticizing and shaming you. If this is not possible, emotionally disconnect from them and their words and actions. This is very difficult but vital for your complete healing. Replace them and reconnect with positive people in your life.
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