Getting married with a Humanist Wedding.
What is it, why choose it, and what happens during one?
One of the most important things to decide early on during the early stages of wedding planning is what kind of ceremony you want to have. Humanist weddings are beautiful and highly tailored ceremonies; they are not religious, so they can be less traditional (if you choose to), and can add a ton of personality to your special day. If you are loosely religious, or not at all, but either way you prefer not having religion as the main focus of your special event — but without sacrificing the significance of the ritual —, you may be interested in finding a bit more about tying the knot with a Humanist wedding.
First of all, what is Humanism?
The Oxford Companion to Philosophy (taken from Humanists UK), defines it as:
An appeal to reason in contrast to revelation or religious authority as a means of finding out about the natural world and destiny of man, and also giving a grounding for morality…Humanist ethics is also distinguished by placing the end of moral action in the welfare of humanity rather than in fulfilling the will of God.
So pretty much everyone — albeit without knowing it —, is a Humanist. Ok, the main fundamental difference is believing or not in God and an afterlife. But vast amounts of people are neither here nor there. Even religious people will have tons in common with Humanism, as the focus is loosely the same: being good to our fellow humans, and doing no harm.
Humanism is an existential philosophy. It is a worldview that aims to give meaning to life, even if it ends with death. Humanists do not despair at the thought of death either, because they rather focus on all the good they can do with their lives, and give meaning to their existence this way, as a form of legacy. Humanism is organised globally under the 2002 Amsterdam Declaration and Humanists International, and lots of countries have their national representation.
What is the difference between a Humanist wedding and a civil registry wedding?
A civil registry wedding is a very common choice for non-religious folk, and also LGBT couples. It is pretty straightforward: the two parts inform their local council and arrange a date for the ceremony, so their union can be registered legally. The celebrant must be a government official, and the content of the ceremony must be non-religious — note that I am writing from the UK and a Westerner perspective. Also, civil ceremonies can only take place either in registry offices or at other approved premises, whereas Humanist ones have a lot more alternatives.
Humanist ceremonies also allow for a lot more customisation, and they are officiated by a trained Humanist celebrant instead. However, all weddings follow a similar pattern: some opening remarks, exchange of vows and symbolic rituals, the pronouncement, and the closing.
Civil ceremonies can be quite lovely, and allow for some wording choices with an exchange of vows, and can also include songs and other music, and can have symbolic gestures such as the traditional exchange of rings (if the couple decides to include them, as they are not necessary). But there is also a lot of legal and contractual weight to them, and even after infusing some personality, they can still sound bureaucratic and a tad robotic.
Why choose a Humanist wedding?
If you feel as though all the legalities from a civil registry wedding can spoil the mood for you, why not consider a Humanist ceremony instead? Humanism is also 100% LGBT friendly.
The Humanist celebrant will meet the couple very amicably, and at least some months in advance to allow for improving acquaintance. You can choose to have different meetings with them and explain as much about yourselves as you like, so your personalities can infuse the ceremony. The couple will have the chance to design much of the ceremony, together with the guidance of the celebrant, the level and depth of information shared, and whichever rituals, readings, and music they want to include.
After the pandemic, my fiancé and I are finally celebrating our wedding this summer with a bespoke ceremony outdoors, in the middle of some very special woods to us. A Humanist wedding allows us to choose it this way. We attended a Humanist wedding of some dear friends back in 2019, and we both agreed it was the most beautiful ceremony we ever had the pleasure to witness. So we wanted the same for ourselves!
One does not need to ascribe to Humanism officially to have a Humanist wedding. There isn’t some sort of initiation or baptism process to get into it anyway. You just need to inform yourself — you can take an online quiz to help you —, and have a closer look at your values in the process.
There is a lot of freedom for Humanist weddings, and they are legal in many countries, just as religious weddings are. That being said, my fiancé and I live in England, and we are still fighting here to have our Humanist weddings officially recognised. This means that my partner and I will have to make sure we register our marriage beforehand at our local registry office, as our lovely ceremony sadly will not be legally binding. And this is adding a lot more stress for us during the planning of our already convoluted situation, also being nationals from different countries. To put it simply: it is very discriminatory, and some people in England are refusing to get married in protest, and are waiting for Humanist ceremonies to become legal.
What happens during a Humanist ceremony?
A Humanist wedding can take place anywhere, indoors or outdoors. And as we were saying above, you may expect very similar steps during a Humanist wedding to the ones in registry offices or venues, or to some extent even religious ceremonies.
“Each ceremony is written specifically for the couple; there is no set format. But as a guide, a typical wedding might include readings or poems, information about the couple and why they are choosing to marry and perhaps some music. The couple will make vows or commitments to each other and often exchange rings.”
Some of the rituals that you may want to include in your special ceremony can include:
- Exchange of rings.
- Handfasting.
- Lightning of a candle.
- Non-religious rituals from another culture (like Chinese tea ceremonies or Jewish glass-smashing).
My fiancé and I are personally having a handfasting and an exchange of rings. We love to be able to include this Celtic and Pagan tradition, as it is not only part of our heritage, but we simply quite love it and want to have it!
Conclusion
- Humanism is an existential worldview that does not believe in the supernatural. It is however a positive philosophy, that trusts science and humanity, and that has the ethical direction of placing people’s welfare at its core, finding life purpose in this way.
- Religious people can be Humanists too, as they share the same essential values.
- Humanist weddings can take place anywhere and are highly flexible, in contrast to civil registry weddings.
- No one is excluded from having a Humanist wedding if they wish, and they can contact their national organisation of Humanists — like Humanists UK, in my case — to find a celebrant and customise their ceremony.
- A Humanist wedding can have the same parts as other weddings but can be a lot more personal — in relation to religion-free ceremonies —, and can accommodate rituals from other cultures and other idiosyncrasies.
I hope you enjoyed learning about Humanist weddings, and that maybe you feel inspired to go for one if you are getting married!
You can continue reading about this topic here:
- Humanist ceremonies blog, UK.
- Humanist ceremonies frequent questions, UK.
- Hitched UK.
- American Humanist Association.
Isabel Abril — curious mind, librarian, writer.
Connect with me on Twitter! @Bryn_abril
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