A Dish Story

Get Your Angina Knishes off My Good China Dishes!

Berserk hausfrau impales dishwashing hubby

For the first time since the invention of soap, a woman murdered her husband while he was washing the dishes.

Tyra Dove Bulldeuce, of Alkaline Gulch, Utah, stabbed her dish-washing husband, Kit Chen Mennis, fifty-two times with the business end of a meat thermometer.

According to police, Ms. Bulldeuce trudged into her kitchen after pulling a double shift in the Alkaline Gulch ICU, where she works as a trauma nurse. To her profound shock, Mennis was elbow deep in suds, washing dishes for the first time since the Carter administration. Just after the former President was terrorized by a diabolical rabbit.

Mennis, police determined, was washing up after a midnight snack of deep-fried pork rind knishes. In their report, police used the gerund “washing” to refer to activity by Mennis that used the same materials and hand motions normally used in “washing,” but failed to deliver any payload.

To wit, constrained by his XY chromosomes, Mennis apparently left hardening chunks of pork lard on the Royal Copenhagen China soup tureen he had exhumed from the china cabinet and from which he munched his knishes. Mennis chose the tureen as a proxy for a clean plate, none of which could be found in a 200 yard radius. Police concluded that Mennis’s washing of said tureen was essentially a thought experiment.

A sobbing Bulldeuce confessed that when she balked at the oily lumps studding her drying china like acorn barnacles, Mennis began mansplaining reality.

• Not his fault she forgot to run the dishwasher before leaving for work. App stores have some excellent to-do list apps.
• She was distracting him from a Joe Rogan podcast discussing how the Sandy Hook shooting was faked by a black ops unit led by Rachel Maddow.
• She forgot to say thank you, but he would overlook that because maybe she was hangry?

At that point, Bulldeuce’s fraying circuitry overloaded and she slipped into full-throated amygdala hijack. Grabbing the nearest sharp object, a ThermoPro bluetooth “smart” meat thermometer, Bulldeuce stabbed Mennis fifty-two times, making Swiss cheese of his left testicle.

Police said the thermometer firmware’s “reboot if used as weapon” safety feature failed to activate. Bulldeuce settled with the manufacturer for an undisclosed sum, with a slew of nines in it. The FDA has issued a recall.

A judge released Bulldeuce on her own recognizance, stating that the trauma of finally seeing her husband “wash,” conceptually, a dish after a four decade lapse, combined with his feeble incompetence at getting it right just this once was more than any wife could be expected to absorb without reaching for a pointy object.

Bulldeuce joined the support group Basically, Men Suck where she has found a community of women sympathetic to her story.

Reflecting on her experience, Bulldeuce said,

No woman ever murdered her husband while he was washing the dishes.

Properly.

This story was inspired by Baskerville, who observed that

No woman ever murdered her husband while he was washing the dishes.