Relationships | Performance | Management
Get the Performance You Want: Say Thank You in Advance
Be proactive with the law of reciprocity

The next time you’re in a situation where you’re not getting the performance out of a person that you need, try thanking them for doing what you want them to do — even if they haven’t done it yet.
Most people will respond by trying to earn the appreciation you expressed.
This technique works in any relationship — boss/worker; worker/boss; customer/service provider; salesperson/customer; parent/child; spouse/spouse; and so on.
For example: You have an IT person on your staff who tends to be abrupt and doesn’t explain things clearly to others in your operation. It’s affecting morale and productivity because people aren’t getting the maximum benefit out of your technology systems.
Instead of telling her that she needs to be more pleasant, avoid techno-speak, and be sure others understand her, thank her for being that way. Say, “Janet, I really appreciate you taking the time to make sure the customer service reps understand how to use all the features of the new tracking system. You talk to them in plain English, using terms they understand, and you treat them with respect. Thanks.” 😃
You know that’s not what Janet is really doing. She may or may not realize that’s not what she’s doing. But you’ve paid her a compliment, and it’s human nature to respond to something nice that’s said about us by trying to be more of whatever that is.
It’s part of the law of reciprocity. You create a sense of obligation on the part of the person you thank or compliment to fulfill the expectation you’ve set. Janet is very likely to start demonstrating the behavior you just praised her for. 👏
Here’s another example: You’re in a restaurant and the service is poor. You could complain to the manager, but that’s probably not going to get you much more than an apology.
Instead, try thanking the server for doing a good job. The service should improve — and if it does, you got what you needed. If it doesn’t, you aren’t really any worse off.
I didn’t realize I was using this technique years ago when I was a sales rep for a freight company. 🚚 Though most of the men I dealt with just wanted to do their jobs and get the best transportation service at the best price, there were the occasional jerks who thought a female rep in a male-dominated industry was a perk.
After a number of awkward situations, I tried this approach:
If a customer gave the slightest indication that he was getting ready to suggest a “service” my company didn’t offer, I would say, “You know what I really appreciate about you? You’re a professional. There are a lot of men in this industry that think just because I’m a woman, I’m willing to have sex with my customers to get their business. I know you don’t think that way, and I appreciate it. Thank you.”
It worked every time.

The key to using this technique is sincerity. You have to mean what you say — if you’re at all sarcastic or insincere, the other person will sense it and the strategy will backfire.
Visualize people doing what you want, tell them they’re doing a great job, and thank them. More often than not, they will work hard to earn your praise and appreciation.

An earlier version of this article was originally published on my site at https://createteachinspire.com/law-of-reciprocity. You can reach me there or email me at [email protected]

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