Get off the “I Need Approval from Others” Merry-Go-Round

When you feel content in yourself, you lose the need for validation from others

Statements like I just want to make you proud sound innocent enough. It’s something that drives a lot of us. We want to make our parents proud, perhaps our partner or another influential person in our lives.

We allow that to motivate and drive us. Unfortunately, we don’t realize just how damaging that is. Often, we make decisions based on that drive and those are decisions that lead us further away from true happiness.

Answer this:

What would you really like to achieve in life? Are you chasing a job title? Is it material possessions you want to build to keep up with someone else? Do you want to find someone to marry and live with them happily ever after? Do you just want to build a home and family with your partner?

Now, answer this question based on however you answered above: why?

Is it because that’s what you truly want? Or, is it because it’s what someone else wants for you? You just got caught up in chasing what you thought was your dream and suddenly you realize you’re stuck riding a merry-go-round where your entire purpose is gaining the approval of others.

It doesn’t feel great, does it? The idea that you’ve built your entire life on a false premise can be devastating, especially if you’ve put a lot of blood, sweat, tears, time, and money into pursuing the education and skills necessary to do that.

This craving for approval might force you to hide from life. You may allow amazing opportunities to pass you by because even though there’s a high reward, there’s an even bigger chance for you to catch criticism.

Now you’re at a point where you realize you got it wrong, and you’re tired of it. Not only is it exhausting, but it isn’t leading you to the life you wanted it to. Your need to obtain the approval of others is strangling your freedom.

Enough! It’s time to get off the “I need approval from others” merry-go-round and this is how you’re going to do it.

Approval Seeking Behavior

If you’re not sure whether you’re someone who seeks the approval of others, here are some examples of common behaviors of those who seek validation from others.

You Take Disagreements Personally

Do you feel deeply insulted when someone disagrees with your point of view or something you’ve done? This is one of the most common responses from people who aim to please because disagreement is a sure sign that their attempt to gain approval has failed.

When Faced With Perceived Disapproval, You Change Your Position

You hold personal opinions, beliefs, and views. But when you share one of those and someone disagrees, sharing an opposing view, how do you react? Is your impulse to defend your view? Or do you soften it to fit theirs?

Someone who seeks the approval of others will change their opinion based on who they’re interacting with. Why? Because they don’t feel confident enough in their beliefs or they don’t want to alienate others.

You Can’t Say No

Do you always say yes, even when you’re under a weight of pressure desperate to say no? The only thing this leads to is exhaustion and burnout. You say yes to everyone because you’re desperate to gain their approval, but where has it gotten you?

You’re a Pretender

Approval seekers often pretend to understand or know something that they don’t really know. Part of that is due to not wanting to look stupid, but the biggest part is gaining approval for possessing the knowledge. Here’s the thing though, if you try to fake it you’re likely to be exposed. And you know how that will turn out? Not only will you miss out on the approval you were desperate to gain, but you’ll also be on the end of ridicule or condemnation.

You Apologize A Lot

Are you quick to apologize even when no one has expressed disapproval? You say sorry when you haven’t even made a mistake or hurt anyone. You had no hand in what went down, but your immediate reaction was to bow to someone and apologize as though it was all your fault. Why? Because you seek approval.

Let Go of The Need For Approval

It’s time to build a plan that helps you let go of the need for approval. Here’s your plan of attack.

Build A Sense of Self-Acceptance

The first and most important step is to strengthen your sense of self-acceptance. Deeper than that, you have to build your core foundation. You need to have a strong sense of self to stand up for yourself and do what feels right for you. When you do this, you aren’t going to be as interested in seeking approval from others.

A good way to do this is by keeping a journal where you recognize some great achievements you’ve had, insights into yourself, traits you appreciate, or moments where you’ve stayed true to yourself. You can practice this in your journal daily or a several times a week.

Let Go

Let go of your need to seek validation from others for your choices and who you are. How can you do this? Start by paying attention to your behavior, language, and self-talk. When are these being driven by the need for validation? Start practicing by checking in with yourself that it’s right, rather than looking to others to validate your decisions or behavior.

Evaluate Tasks

When you tackle a new commitment or task you have to be honest with yourself. Evaluate your tasks by asking whether you’re doing it for approval or because it really feels right for you. You can do this weekly as you set your schedule of tasks for the week ahead. Which of your tasks are solely on your schedule because you’re trying to gain approval from others?

Awareness

It’s so important that you have an awareness of when your actions are hung up by uncertainty and insecurity. Approval seeking behavior stems from beliefs and emotions within you. Learning to recognize when you’re engaging in such behavior is key to avoiding acting that way. It’s all about working from within.

Build Your Self-Worth

We’re often our own worst enemy. We hold negative thoughts and we use those to tear ourselves down. It’s something we practice so frequently that we’re unable to recognize our own self-worth.

Self-worth is knowing and understanding that you’re worthy, loved, and valued for who you are and not because of what others think or because of what you do, think or say. Often, we engage in approval seeking behavior because our self-worth is so low. We’re convinced that the only way to be worthy of love or attention is by performing in a certain way.

Accept Yourself As You Are

Come as you are. You can’t get caught up in what everyone else is thinking or saying about you. If you focus solely on that you’ll never find true happiness. You have to lay down the challenge to accept yourself as you are. That’s where self-confidence begins— you’re enough, and you don’t need other people to tell you so.

Gain an Understanding

Why are you so desperately seeking the approval of others? If you can get to the root cause, then it will be much easier to eliminate the problem. So, when you find yourself about to seek validation from someone, stop!

Now, ask yourself what you think about it and why you don’t believe you can trust your own opinion. It might be uncertainty, it might be entirely because you want someone to accept you. One of the biggest keys to overcoming an issue is gaining an understanding of the motive.

Self-Trust

Don’t allow others to tell you the choices you make aren’t up to scratch. Your decisions should be the result of your truth. You have to trust yourself to make the right decisions, and if you’re acting in line with your beliefs and opinions, then you’re being true to yourself. You have to trust yourself to do that and shut out the noise coming from everyone else.

Log-Off

Do you know what else can drive your need for approval? Do you know what else can motivate you to compare yourself to everyone else? Social media! What began as a wonderful tool to keep in touch with friends and family all over the world has become one of the most damaging things society has to offer.

You’re bombarded by images of people trying to show off their latest accomplishments. You’re overwhelmed by images of people creating snapshots of their best bits. That’s really all it is.

While certain people do share everything, the majority of people present curated content. They want you to envy them so, they’re careful about what they share. Don’t get trapped by this trick. You don’t need 100 likes on everything you share. You don’t need validation from others. It’s all nonsense. The best thing that you can do right now is log-off and take a break.

Tap Into Your Inner Voice

One of the greatest favors you can do for yourself is to learn to trust your gut. What helps is learning and understanding what path you feel you’re supposed to walk. Having a greater understanding of this helps you feel confident about the direction you’re choosing to walk.

If you practice at it, you can become attuned to your inner voice enough that it allows you to follow it for guidance. Life gets loud. That makes it so much more difficult to tap into your inner voice. If you don’t learn to shut out the noise around you and get in tune with your inner voice, you’ll find it difficult to detect the right direction.

The quickest way to go off course is to lose contact with your inner voice. When you lose contact with your inner voice you start seeking that validation and approval from everyone else. And that’s when life starts to feel like it’s spiraling out of control.

Final Thoughts

What makes perfect? Practice! You’re not going to change yourself overnight. But you can change and become a self-confident person who seeks validation from only yourself.

It’s going to take time, effort, and practice. So, be sure to extend yourself kindness and care as you embark on this journey of jumping off the merry-go-round of approval seeking.

Memorize the words of the late great motivational author, Louise L. Hay,

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”