Get Me off this Cheating Roller Coaster

I don’t feel well.

I am not sure where to go.

I don’t know how to best share this story. It’s so emotional, yet I am trying to look at it logically. Impartial. Without bias.

The event happened in my life. Logic is not a factor and I felt it.

Two nights ago, I had an evening out and stayed at a local hotel. I paid for the hotel bill. Dinner with some coworkers. Drinks, food, fun. No drunk drive home.

I gave ExPat a chance to come to meet me. We remained in touch. He wanted to meet up with me so much. I needed for us to see where this went.

Schedules are a bitch.

So I took care of business. I didn’t stay with friends. I booked a hotel and told my hubby that I was staying out for the night. “Don’t worry dear — all good,” I said.

Expat didn’t come as he did not have his ducks in a row. He had no way to get there. OPSEC 101.

I sat in a jetted tub by nine pm, tipsy and letting the disappointment wash over me. A text comes in from MonsTer.

“Excited?” MonsTer texted.

Ahhh no. So I explained to MonsTer what happened.

Like the rest of you, he’s mortified. A sexy lady PAID for a hotel and did all the work, so the man only had to show up. Show up and represent. I know.

That’s when my sadness kicked in.

MonsTer is a Level 3000, so he didn’t like that I was sad.

He loved my profile on Ashley Madison. His messages are unique, thoughtful, and sexy. One small problem. He lives too far outside my driveability zone. That sucks. Welcome to the world of Clara. I hope we can meet one day.

He kept me company, chatting and talking about our respective days. My sadness turned to laughter as he sent me jokes and funny songs to look up. He’s easy to talk to and cares about people. I can tell. A heart of gold that more people should recognize.

Sitting naked on the bed, I was listing to Spotify and shared a song with him. He told me to get up and dance! I did! Oh boy, I did.

Laughter became JOY.

It was late, and we had been chatting for hours. It was time for us both to turn in. MonsTer asked me if I was okay, and I said I was. He signed off for the night.

Lights out.

Joy seeps away, and sadness returns, which turns into sorrow and grief. I cried alone in the dark for someone. It was not ExPat, for he made me no promises. It was not for MonsTer. He is not MY Level 3000.

I wanted a pair of strong arms to hold me. It didn’t even have to be sexual — just comfort and safety. Despair for where I was going with my life roared up to consume me.

I screamed internally for a long time. Tossing and turning, I got no sleep that night.

Is it still a scream when you scream into the dark and no one hears you? Of course, it is.

It turns out it is therapeutic as well.

Something changed. The Old Clara broke and fell away. New soft skin remained. Not quite ready to face the world, but felt better than a shell too small.

Relief.

It turns out that when you have an emotional roller coaster, you have to let them ride over you. Keeping them inside only hurts you. I do what I can to help my family, spouse, and friends so that they don’t get hurt by my choices. I was swallowing my sins.

I may not be moral. But I am not a sin-eater either.

I am a woman who has needs, and I will get what I want.

He’s out there, waiting.

For this Level 3000 woman.

Thank you to the editors of The Scarlet Letter, MonaLisaSmiled and Teresa J Conway 🧚🏻‍♀️for the support on this journey. What a ride so far.

To the rest of the sexy readers and followers who follow me, your support always makes me smile at my phone! 😍

Girl gotta break a rule or two sometimes.

Love,

Clara