George Burns: The Secret to a Long Life

My late-night conversation with God.

The other night I was in bed, waiting for sleep to grab me, when suddenly I heard a man’s voice. Distant, faint at first, but then louder and clearer. Wait … he just chuckled. This scared the shit out of me. And I swear I could smell a cigar … but in my bedroom? Was I asleep? This must be a dream.

But nope. I was wide awake now. Was God or someone (I prayed it wasn’t just someone) trying to communicate with me? If so, why do I smell a cigar? God doesn’t smoke cigars. I do. Did I fall asleep with one? Frantically, I searched around. No cigar.

Then suddenly, it dawned on me! The voice! Was this the voice of George Burns? He’s dead! Yet clearly he said, “Jeff, this is God. Get up, get your boots on, and strap in, brother. The next 30 years are going to be a RIDE!”

So at this point, I’m thinking I should have stopped taking drugs a lot sooner in life. George Burns, as God, is talking to me, here in bed, at night. Nobody will believe this. My family will think me crazy. Fine. They already think that anyway. No setback here.

Could it be the pact I made with God early in life? If so, then does this mean George really is God? I’m very confused. (My kids will vouch for that.) What followed my late-night chin-wag with God, or George, was a life lesson. I digress.

That night, George and I had a bit of a chat. A chin-wag as they say down under. After all, I’ve been telling my family for decades that I have a pact with God, for me to live to 100. Little did I know George Burns would appear to me at night to chat about this.

I get it. You want an explanation. Why would anyone want to live for 100 years? This is the burning question I am always asked. My reasons for this are simple, a desire to see Buffalo finally win a Super Bowl and a Stanley Cup in my lifetime. Seriously, if they can’t win one in the years before I turn 100, they really do suck. It’s already been 50+ years. No change.

Reality is, as a kid and as an adult, I have often prayed to my guardian angels for me to live to 100. I figured the odds were with me that at some point, Buffalo would win a championship by then.

Now I’m wondering if they win, would the shock of winning be so great that I’ll die of a stroke? That’d be a real bummer.

I remember seeing George Burns on Johnny Carson one last time while he was alive. He was a spry 96 or 97, and he walked on stage, his always present cigar in hand. His ever-present smirk pasted on his face, a huge shit-eating grin, really, as if he’d just cracked a one-liner off-stage (most likely he had) and he couldn’t stop smiling.

Johnny Carson stopped playing with his pencils and asked George what his secret was to living such a long, healthy life.

Still lying in bed, this was what I watched again as George (or God) replayed this scene for me on my bedroom ceiling. He answered Johnny, responding that he had “always done everything in moderation” in his later life.

This struck a chord with me as I lay there watching Johnny Carson re-runs with George on my bedroom ceiling. Does this seem absurd to you? I thought so. It’s ok. Thankfully, it wasn’t a popcorn ceiling or the video portion would’ve been quite poor. The audio was excellent.

Moderation, the secret to longevity? Hmmm ... Well, this made sense to me. Except for sex. Moderation in sex wouldn’t work for me unless, or until, I reach that point in age where I have no choice. I know sex is healthy for you because it burns lots of calories, keeps the heart pumping, and makes you happy. Moderation in life could otherwise work as I saw it.

I wondered as I lay there in bed if George had replays of all his early shows with Gracie and not just his Carson re-runs. I loved Gracie. Would it be considered in bad taste for me to ask him? Maybe. I wasn’t sure how he would take that. Gracie was funnier than George, but I couldn’t tell him that. Though he would probably agree.

But I digress. George had now influenced me with his talk of a life in moderation. Since watching George on the Carson Show answering Carson’s longevity questions, I’ve taken his advice. In fact, I’ve cut way back on beer consumed, from a few beers a day to maybe one. And I’ve cut my daily smoking of cigars down from daily, to two or three per week, and now, to none. (Oh God! You know I quit cigarettes in 1990 and still inhaled cigars, so I had to quit both!)

Oh God, George changed my life!

Did you know that George Burns even wrote a book on how to live to 100? I didn’t. I do now. Yeah, he wrote it at 87! This makes me wonder … was George really God?

Whatever … Some of his tips for staying healthy enough to live that long are found in “How to Live Long Enough to be 100,” as quoted in a UPI article by Vernon Porter.

Porter states, “Burns is spry, glowing with health, mentally razor sharp. His memory is astounding. He has total recall of hundreds of lyrics of long-forgotten songs. He remembers a thousand humorous anecdotes.”

To live to 100, follow these suggestions, read the book, and remember … everything in moderation. This is from George in his book:

• Be happy at your work. (My prescription is, don’t work in old age and you’ll be happy).
• Be happier and live longer, find a job you love. (My prescription to avoid stress was to work for yourself and in turn, you’ll love your job.)
• Never take stress to bed with you. Work on it in the morning. I don’t worry. I pay my secretary, Jack Langdon, to worry. (I would say, always take a woman to bed, never take stress to bed, even when that could lead to more stress.)
• Rise early, followed by 45 minutes of floor exercises and stretches, topped off with a brisk 15-minute walk. (For me, it’s 15 minutes of exercise and a 15-minute walk, not early in the day).

George Burns exercised daily at 67. (I have exercised daily, on and off, for 20+ years. I have him beat here.)

He also ate one healthy meal a day. (Me too!) This does not mean you eat Big Macs the rest of the day. I don’t. This is significant to remember.

He was also afraid of getting fat because he was convinced fat people die sooner. Yup. Agreed.

According to George, a nap every afternoon was of benefit to him as well. I’m getting there, I think. That is something I may have to work my way up to. Even now, my eyes grow heavy as I type this.

George offered such sage advice as, “I can’t afford to die.” I too can’t afford to die. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to die? Dying can cost a lot! $10k for a mahogany casket with a silk interior! A price that’ll kill you.

He made getting old popular. I’m here to carry that forward for him.

I’m just beginning the same journey as my mentor, George. “Hop on and strap in” seems about right.

As I sit here writing this, another of his comments comes to mind. When asked if he’d seen his doctor recently, George responded, “I had my physical, and the doctor is fine.” I too just had my physical and indeed, the doctor was fine … and cute.

Getting old is not for the weak of heart. But as George noted, and as I have learned, your health is everything. My grandfather once told me, “Without your health, nothing else matters”. He died from lung cancer at 70. He was right.

I am, in fact, the oldest male in my family history of the last 125+ years. Going back to the late 1800s, not one male family member lived much beyond 70, which I am aware of.

Growing old means waking up one morning with something wrong that wasn’t wrong yesterday. It’s always a surprise. I don’t like surprises. Then again, waking up and seeing the sunrise also means you’re still here. That’s the endgame, the goal, correct?

Of course, growing old also means your appetite changes, the food you can eat changes, and things you have loved in life over the years might kill you. Like your wife.

She may be so fed up with you after all these years that she may be planning your demise right now. Trust me. The chances are good. Ask her. If she just laughs and says “Oh honey…” then you’re already as good as dead.

Growing old is your knees popping every time you stand up. It means eating green stuff will cause voluminous amounts of gas to escape from somewhere deep within the caverns of your soul. Kinda like you are sitting on a whoopee cushion most of the time.

Growing old also means you may get depressed when you read this. So I’ll leave you with this final tidbit from God himself, George Burns:

When Burns was 96, he signed a lifetime contract with Caesars Palace in Las Vegas to perform his stand-up comedy routine there. Included was a guarantee of a show on his centenary, January 20, 1996. Unfortunately, he was too weak to deliver this planned performance. He instead released a statement that he “would love for my 100th birthday to have a night with Sharon Stone.”

So I too wish the same as George. When I reach 100 years, I would love a night with Allison Krause, Beth Hart … probably anyone since at that age I’d be pressing my luck. You with me, George? Ummm … I mean God?