‘Gentle Parenting’ Is Creating A Generation of Narcissists

I saw a TikTok this morning that has over 1 million views and rising, where the creator asked the question, “Millennials, why are your children so terrible and why do you think it’s funny?”

The video has had quite a divisive response but a clear message.

It came about as a result of an encounter with a young doctor’s receptionist, a 34 year old woman and a child.

The receptionist, in her 20’s was talking about the way that this 34 year old woman completed disregarded the behaviour of her child who was being disruptive and disrespectful. She displayed a total lack of regard for the busy office by taking a display apart and throwing the contents around the desk of the receptionist.

Completely stunned by the lack of action from the mother, the young receptionist took to social media to question the behaviour of parents in general, of today’s young ones.

If you go onto any social media platform, you will find parents making videos of playing practical jokes on their offspring which they find hilarious. The poor children look shocked, humiliated and quite frankly traumatised in some cases.

Breaking an egg on your kids forehead for likes and shares is not good parenting — it certainly isn’t gentle. Slapping a slice of cheese on your baby to stop them crying isn’t good parenting.

Allowing your child to do whatever they like, whenever they like for the sake of your family vlog is not good parenting.

I see videos like that and I can’t help but wonder what trauma’s these children will grow up and accuse their parent’s of.

Gentle parenting is a concept derived from the idea that your children are mini humans that need guidance and space to help them process their emotions and learn to self regulate.

However, people think that it means they aren’t allowed to tell their child off, that they can’t implement healthy boundaries, that they would be a bad parent if they shout at their child or stop them from expressing themselves.

The problem here is that people don’t really know how to tell the difference between a malicious behaviour and a healthy expression of anger.

I hate engaging with other parent’s in the playground.

Parenting is hard. It’s a huge responsibility. You are responsible for your child’s physical health, emotional health and mental health. But we’re not equipped for that. Gentle Parenting works best when a parent has no flaws, the patience of a saint and the support of family members.

I’ve seen parents at the point of exhaustion where they don’t have the strength to be a gentle parent, so they either choose the easy option which is to do nothing, or, they go super strict.

Both of those allow the parent to be emotionally distant in an effort to regain some fresh energy. But they effectively have given up parenting and rely on the child to learn life lessons for themselves.

I have heard parents in the playground, frustrated that the school hasn’t taught their child how to behave.

Like they have lost all hope and they need the school to take over the difficult things like discipline. It always surprises me how many people lack confidence to tell their child off.

I knew a lady who had a very badly behaved child. She was such a lovely, kind lady, very quiet, very considerate, always wanted to please everybody. However, her son was rude, brutish, a bully, sneaky, very inconsiderate of others — the complete opposite of his Mum.

She didn’t like telling him off in front of people or in private, if he took a toy from another child she would apologise on his behalf and say she would speak to him about it later. At home, if she told him ‘No’, it never meant ‘no’, it meant, ‘if you go ahead and do it I won’t stop you and there will be zero consequences’.

So this little boy ruled the roost. He had no concept how to behave in other people’s homes and would refuse to listen to adults. He was the apple of his parent’s eye, the centre of their world and he knew it. He would get everything he wanted, constantly, he learnt that tantrums, back talking and just going ahead and doing what he wanted to do was the way to live.

Nobody stopped him. And if they tried, so what he would get what he wanted or take it out on another child.

So many playdates were spoiled by his lack of structure as he took centre stage to the detriment of the other children.

When he started school he struggled. Because now he had to do what he was told. Simple things like, hang up your bag, wash your hands, time to read, break time, lunch time, play nice with others, take turns — he rebelled against everything. It was a huge challenge for him, because those early years behaviours where he was entitled to everything were deeply embedded, was it too late for him to learn to be different? There were many interventions and conversations from the school to help him integrate and adapt. He was lucky that the school had the resources available to help him but many are not.

His mother hated her mother telling her she was doing everything wrong and critiquing her parenting constantly. But at the same time, she would talk about parenting techniques and seek opinions on what she was doing.

She knew she was creating a monster, but she said she couldn’t help herself. She found it difficult to follow through on punishments. If she said he couldn’t eat a bar of chocolate, he would go get one, and she would just sit there and shrug her shoulders.

If he wanted to go out but they had visitors, he would throw a tantrum until Mum relented and asked the visitors to leave because little Johnny wanted to go get a magazine from the shop.

She did speak to him, constantly about his behaviour, but there was no mention of why she was speaking to him about it, what was wrong, what he could do differently next time, no conversation about restrictions. He wouldn’t listen to her and couldn’t wait to get away from her.

If you are teaching your child to self regulate through Gentle Parenting, you need to tell your child what the problem is. Why running out into the road is bad behaviour, why not listening is naughty, you need to tell them why it’s wrong to hit your friend or take their stuff without asking.

Without structure and boundaries, children can feel very unsettled and insecure. They will feel as though their parent’s are distant figures that have no influence over them.

You see when children are growing, they are learning about the world. In the beginning, everything is about them and they learn over time that it’s not just about them. It’s about their family, their friends, their teachers, their work colleagues. Parents are responsible for introducing their children to the big wide world.

It is their job to help their child integrate into the world, to socialise them, teach them how to get along with others, respect boundaries, behave appropriately and respectfully so that they aren’t excluded.

You don’t want your child to be left out, be the bully or fail in future relationships.

Parenting matters. Sometimes you have to say no. Sometimes you have to make them brush their teeth, do their homework, make them eat an apple.

You can create a home that is a safe haven from the world outside and still be capable of having rules and boundaries in the household.

Thanks for reading. Take Care x