Genius Analysts Who Warn of Impending Catastrophe Are Struggling to Find Their Role

Now that catastrophe is actually here many find themselves out of a job

What is a genius analyst who makes a name for him or herself by warning of impending catastrophe supposed to do now that CATASTROPHE has arrived full on, in big capital letters and is spreading like wildfire all over the society?

“Well,” said Genius Analyst David Hirksmoon, “I am thinking of becoming an Uber driver, but who wants to take an Uber right now?”

Of course, they could keep on warning people about how this catastrophe might get even worse, but it’s not the same. When a genius analyst warns of impending catastrophe during boom times, that’s interesting and people take note. But now that the shit has really hit the fan, nobody wants to hear from these Cassandras.

“We don’t need any Debby Downers right now,” said a local man, suffering from fear, loathing and severe depression as riots, pandemics and police violence rage through society. “I don’t care if they are geniuses, they should just keep their hellish visions to themselves.”

But genius analysts don’t think it’s right for them to be tossed aside so casually.

“We’ve kept you on your toes for this entire boom period, reminding you that good times don’t last forever, and that you better stay humble,” said Hirksmoon. “You might call that a hellish vision. But I call it realism.”

Realism is not so attractive, though, when reality becomes so bleak.

“I don’t want to know about any more catastrophes,” said hairdresser Mary Lousie. “Fuck those geniuses. If they were so smart, why didn’t they warn us about COVID and these riots? Also, Lady Gaga’s new album is a total disaster. Did they inform us about that impending nonsense? No!”

Some genius analysts are warning about a coming stock market crash. But nobody gives a crap.

“Stock market crash?” said area physical therapist Pete Townrot. “Maybe Bill Gates should be worried. Me, I’ve got a savings account with negative fifty dollars in it. What do I care if the stock market crashes? You think you can scare me? Try again buddy.”

It’s disappointing to these analysts who used to make people quake with fear every time they mentioned words like “the coming recession,” or “the next disaster.”

“I’m thinking about going back to school and learning a simple trade,” said Genius Analyst Kurtis Kornbloom. “Maybe plumbing, or electrical work. And then maybe in about a decade when this catastrophe finally blows over I’ll go back to warning people about impending catastrophes again. If there are any people.”

Kornbloom gives an embarrassed smile.

“Woops, there I go again, warning of impending catastrophes. See, I can’t help myself.”

Genius analyst Peter Pussbottom predicts that this downturn could last even longer than a decade for genius analysts who predict impending catastrophes.

“Maybe they should simply do a one eighty and start predicting impending good news. That’s what I do. Right now I’m predicting toilet paper supplies will return to normal within a week and all those stores that have been looted will soon be fixed right up and offering the same lousy customer service that we used to get before the catastrophe hit.”

We can only hope, Pussbottom. We can only hope.