Gender Dysphoria In High School During the 90's

Did I have a crush on her, or did I want to be her?

Tracy was this Irish Italian girl in my history class. She was so cute. It was January of 1988 and I felt so lost. I couldn’t focus on anything. My parents would say that this is what all boys go through. It’s raging hormones and racing thoughts of girls and cars and all the things that boys do.

I would look at Tracy and admire her long wavy dark brown hair, perfect eyebrows, small frame, fashionably dressed in the latest clothes. The way she smiled, and the pitch of her voice. I would think “I wish I could be that.” I also thought “I wish I could hold that.” I didn’t know what was happening to me.

Whenever I would see crossdressing or any kind or a man doing female things on TV, it would grab my attention. I knew I wanted to be experimenting with women’s clothes and makeup, but I also knew I was attracted to women. I thought if you wanted to be a woman you must be gay! But I wanted nothing more but to hold Tracy close to me and kiss her passionately.

These thoughts wouldn’t let up. I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone because I thought if I slip up and say something about how I feel I’ll get murdered or something. I kept to myself and did the best I could to stay in the background and not be noticed.

When lunch break came up I didn’t know what to do. I would bring a bagged lunch everyday that consisted of a PB & J, a nutty bar, a ziplock bag of potato chips and a diet 7up. I wish I would have woken up to proper nutrition back then, but I didn’t.

At lunchtime, I would go for a walk. I walked through a residential area that led to a park. I’d go to this park no matter what the weather conditions were. I didn’t care if it was below zero, rain, sleet, snow. I didn’t feel the weather. Getting away from people and being by myself felt safe and peaceful. That’s all that mattered. I would think to myself, “I made it halfway through the day I can do this!”

It went on like this for 2 years. I was in pain! Looking back I don’t know how I made it. My grades were horrible, but I passed. I didn’t think about my future, I just wanted out of school. I had no plans for the future. Other kids were planning to go to college and studying for careers. I couldn’t think past my gender dysphoria. I just wanted these feelings to stop.

My third year in high school, things got better. I found a group of misfits into music. I finally found people I could talk to. People that shared an interest in playing musical instruments. I was able to muster up enough courage to hang out with some of them after school and play music with them. Music was the only thing that would make the dysphoria go away. Still is.

For my last 2 years in high school, I focused on music and getting out of school. I still had no plan for the future. But at least I had music.

I didn’t know it, but Tracy was hurting as well. She turned to drugs and partying. She ended up getting pregnant in her senior year. She hung out with some nasty people. I couldn’t believe it. I thought looking the way she looked she would be living the good life and have a solid chance at a good future.

It just goes to show that you never know what’s going on in someone’s head. We all have pain of some sort that we’re dealing with, and it’s best to be kind to everyone.

I was recently going through a bout of self hatred and internalized transphobia, feeling down about my gender issues in general, and came up with this new synth instrumental tune. The recording process really helped me to snap out of this feeling. I wanted to share my song here because I thought it came out great, if I do say so myself. ; ) I hope you like it!