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Abstract

e a good soaking.So, I get it.In the TV spot, the woman “got her Poise on” and was able to pick up a big-ass sack of cement and pour it out without breaking a sweat, or assumedly, springing a leak. I couldn’t tell you what the hell she was doing with the cement as my attention was a bit fractured, but she did it once she “got her Poise on!”And a poised woman is a sexy woman, no? Not to mention, physically strong AF.The subtext of this message is, and I know because I spent years in the advertising and marketing industries peddling shit, if a woman sticks a Poise Pad in her panties, she’ll be superhuman. Kind of like the Bionic Woman, who, whether she had to take a piss or not, could haul around big-ass sacks of cement with one hand tied behind her back.Isn’t this amazing? Don’t you want to “get your Poise on,” too? I sure do!By the way, for you folks who aren’t certain if you’re incontinent or merely tend to “hold it” too long, here are the signs according to MedicineNet:<ul><li>Sudden, uncontrollable urge to urinate</li><li>Leaking urine during exercise, sneezing, or coughing</li><li>Frequent urination</li><li>Constant dribbling</li><li>Inability to empty the bladder</li><li>Bedwetting</li></ul>None of the above is a big deal. I’m guessing most of us have wet the bed at one time. I know I have, back in my rabble-rousing days when alcohol may have been a factor.Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about that kind of thing, anymore, as I have considerably more self-control, but there may come a day when I have to lug around big-ass sacks of cement. So, if shoving a Poise Pad in my drawers will get me there, I’m all in.Regarding incontinence, did you know that there are four kinds? Yes! And here I thought you either dribble, or you don’t. So, the next time you need to go, consider the following, and maybe cut back on the number of liters of water you’re sucking down a day:Stress incontinence. This is not what you’d think,but rather, the stress you put on your body during exercise. Running, jumping, like that. Coughing or

Options

sneezing can also be a factor so don’t do any of it. Fuck it. It’s better to be overweight and out of shape than constantly damp.Overflow incontinence. When your body makes more pee than your teensy bladder can hold, you’re screwed. So you need to “get your Poise on!”Men, you’re on your own by the way. The Poise Pad is for women! So we can lug around big-ass sacks of cement! Got it?Overactive bladder. This is when the bladder contracts and tells you to “go pee,” even when it’s empty. Like an overactive brain that won’t let you pass out at night. Once again, “screwed.”Functional incontinence. Okay. Let’s not go into this one as it’s the result of disease and/or disabilities and we have enough crap to worry about.But, I digress. We women don’t give a damn about the whys and wherefores of incontinence, do we? All that concerns us is how we’re going to lug around fifty-pound bags of cement.And, now we know! It’s as simple as “getting your Poise on!”Men, you’re on your own by the way. The Poise Pad is for women! So we can lug around big-ass sacks of cement! Got it?But, ladies, because I love you all, I’m gonna put this magic pad to the test. I’ll stick one in my cotton panties, albeit I may have to look at the directions on the back of the box first, as I often need guidance, and then I’m going to head over to Home Depot and get some big-ass sacks of cement.When I get home, I’m going to drag one into my yard and attempt to lift it, for no other reason than I can, because “I got my Poise on!”And then, after I’ve pissed myself and broken my friggin’ back, I’m going to sue Kimberly-Clark for all their worth.© Sherry McGuinn, 2021. All Rights Reserved.Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s soon-to-be-ex-manager is currently NOT pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.</article></body>

Geez, What a Pee Pad Can Do!

Leaky or not, run right out and get one!

I effed up, so before I go any further, I have to thank a reader by the name of rod kendrick for alerting me to the fact that the Poise Pads are for incontinence, and not the sanitary pads that I took them for.

So, thank you “rod!”

With that said, the commercial for these things are even more ludicrous than I originally thought. Whether your bladder is the size of a lentil, or not, you have to get yourself a box of Poise Pads. Shit, get a whole warehouse-full if you have the room.

Shit, get a whole warehouse-full if you have the room.

You know why? Because you’ll be able to do things you never thought possible. Like hauling around big-ass sacks of cement so that you can fill in holes…wherever! Or, whatever it is we women do with sacks of cement.

As long as we don’t pee while doing it!

I’m not making this up, even though I get paid (sort of) to make things up.

Now, incontinence is nothing to be ashamed of. And it’s not just a result of childbirth or an “old fart thing.” Hell, I’ve been incontinent my entire life. I use to pee myself on the reg if someone made me laugh hard enough.

The first time I publicly sprang a leak was in front of my kindergarten class when the teacher was fitting me for a costume for a play and wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom. I squirmed and jammed my legs together and the little bastards at their little desks started giggling and that was it.

Hell, I’ve been incontinent my entire life.

So, I showed that sadistic teacher. I pissed myself and as it was the dead of winter, had to walk home in wet, woolen leggings.

Another time, I was thirteen or so and was ice-skating at the facility for “tweens” near my Skokie, IL home. One of my friends cracked a joke that sent me into hysterics and I gave the ice a good soaking.

So, I get it.

In the TV spot, the woman “got her Poise on” and was able to pick up a big-ass sack of cement and pour it out without breaking a sweat, or assumedly, springing a leak. I couldn’t tell you what the hell she was doing with the cement as my attention was a bit fractured, but she did it once she “got her Poise on!”

And a poised woman is a sexy woman, no? Not to mention, physically strong AF.

The subtext of this message is, and I know because I spent years in the advertising and marketing industries peddling shit, if a woman sticks a Poise Pad in her panties, she’ll be superhuman. Kind of like the Bionic Woman, who, whether she had to take a piss or not, could haul around big-ass sacks of cement with one hand tied behind her back.

Isn’t this amazing? Don’t you want to “get your Poise on,” too? I sure do!

By the way, for you folks who aren’t certain if you’re incontinent or merely tend to “hold it” too long, here are the signs according to MedicineNet:

Sudden, uncontrollable urge to urinate
Leaking urine during exercise, sneezing, or coughing
Frequent urination
Constant dribbling
Inability to empty the bladder
Bedwetting

None of the above is a big deal. I’m guessing most of us have wet the bed at one time. I know I have, back in my rabble-rousing days when alcohol may have been a factor.

Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about that kind of thing, anymore, as I have considerably more self-control, but there may come a day when I have to lug around big-ass sacks of cement. So, if shoving a Poise Pad in my drawers will get me there, I’m all in.

Regarding incontinence, did you know that there are four kinds? Yes! And here I thought you either dribble, or you don’t. So, the next time you need to go, consider the following, and maybe cut back on the number of liters of water you’re sucking down a day:

Stress incontinence. This is not what you’d think,but rather, the stress you put on your body during exercise. Running, jumping, like that. Coughing or sneezing can also be a factor so don’t do any of it. Fuck it. It’s better to be overweight and out of shape than constantly damp.

Overflow incontinence. When your body makes more pee than your teensy bladder can hold, you’re screwed. So you need to “get your Poise on!”

Men, you’re on your own by the way. The Poise Pad is for women! So we can lug around big-ass sacks of cement! Got it?

Overactive bladder. This is when the bladder contracts and tells you to “go pee,” even when it’s empty. Like an overactive brain that won’t let you pass out at night. Once again, “screwed.”

Functional incontinence. Okay. Let’s not go into this one as it’s the result of disease and/or disabilities and we have enough crap to worry about.

But, I digress. We women don’t give a damn about the whys and wherefores of incontinence, do we? All that concerns us is how we’re going to lug around fifty-pound bags of cement.

And, now we know! It’s as simple as “getting your Poise on!”

Men, you’re on your own by the way. The Poise Pad is for women! So we can lug around big-ass sacks of cement! Got it?

But, ladies, because I love you all, I’m gonna put this magic pad to the test. I’ll stick one in my cotton panties, albeit I may have to look at the directions on the back of the box first, as I often need guidance, and then I’m going to head over to Home Depot and get some big-ass sacks of cement.

When I get home, I’m going to drag one into my yard and attempt to lift it, for no other reason than I can, because “I got my Poise on!”

And then, after I’ve pissed myself and broken my friggin’ back, I’m going to sue Kimberly-Clark for all their worth.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s soon-to-be-ex-manager is currently NOT pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.