avatarPatrick Eades

Summary

The website content details the satirical diary of "Gerald Jizzgerald," a giraffe attending a gay conversion camp, humorously critiquing the concept of conversion therapy.

Abstract

The content is presented as a diary chronicling the experiences of Gerald, a giraffe, at a conversion camp aimed at altering his sexual orientation. Gerald's narrative reveals the absurdity of the camp's practices, from the poor food quality to the unorthodox methods used to discourage homosexual behavior. Throughout his stay, Gerald encounters a cast of characters, including his counselor "Swallowmen," and an elephant named Enrique, with whom he forms a bond. The diary entries humorously depict Gerald's resistance to the camp's teachings, his sexual escapades, and ultimately, his escape with Swallowmen and Enrique. The story serves as a hyperbolic allegory for the inefficacy and harm of gay conversion therapy, highlighting the naturalness of diverse sexual orientations, even among animals.

Opinions

  • Gerald is skeptical of the conversion camp's intentions, attending primarily for the food, which turns out to be disappointing.
  • He is critical of the camp's teachings, finding the storybook readings unrelatable and the counseling ineffective.
  • Gerald expresses a preference for sexual freedom and diversity, challenging the camp's narrow view of acceptable sexual behavior.
  • He befriends Enrique, an elephant who has also been affected by societal shaming of his sexuality.
  • Gerald's experiences suggest that the camp's methods are not only ineffective but also potentially harmful, as evidenced by the mental distress and physical threats he faces.
  • The story concludes with a clear stance against conversion therapy, emphasizing that it is a damaging practice that goes against the natural expression of sexuality.
  • The author uses humor and satire to underscore the absurdity of trying to change an individual's sexual orientation, drawing a parallel to the real-world issue

Giraffe sexual proclivities

Gay Giraffe Conversion Camp: The Diary of Gerald Jizzgerald

Are 90% of giraffes actually gay?

Gerald has his head in the clouds and his dick somewhat lower. Photo by Jeremiah Del Mar on Unsplash

Day 1

Let me be upfront. I only came here for the food. Man, those high gloss pics in the brochure led me on worse than the zebra that turned out to be a convict donkey.

Where’s all the acacia leaves at? No-one wants to eat mashed bird foetus and cow jizz sandwiches. I managed to salvage the lettuce leaf but it was soggier than my balls after morning tea bagging. The crackers are alright but you gotta line up for ages and you only get one even after playing tic tac toe on your face. I was ‘blessed’ with a rock cake for dessert but I think the cake was silent.

I been assigned to counsellor Swallowmen. He keeps insisting it’s ‘Solomon’ but I don’t believe him. That’s some made up name from this story book they got here they read us before bedtime. I told Swallowmen I normally prefer a good reach-around before bed but he reckons this creep upstairs is always watching an he gets angry if he sees any jizz flying around that’s not landing in a stork hole.

Day 2

Swallowmen woke me up real early today. I thought he was a bit confused cos he wanted us to read the bedtime story book again but I hadn’t even had breakfast. I tried to sneak a morning wank behind the story book but there wasn’t any decent pictures and all the singing put me off so I gave up and waited for my measly cracker again.

Managed to snap a pic of the cracker stash in camp. Not sure why they were so stingy. Photo by Eric Mok on Unsplash

They showed us pictures today an asked us to say whether we’d fuck em or not. All sorts of shit, from lady giraffes to dude lions to lizards that looked like David Bowie. I’m pretty sure I’m top of the class cos I was the only one to say yes to everything. Even the tree with the gnarly arms and the knot hole that looked like a stretched pork gobbler.

I'm starting to worry about Swallowmen’s sanity. He reckons the story book is actually all true, and we should be copying the behaviour of the most boring characters out of it. I told him that would be like me reading Harry Potter and then saying I want to be more like Professor Binns.

Day 3

Today I tried to explain to Swallowmen that I mainly root dudes when we got no chicks around. Sometimes even when there is chicks around. He reckons this is bad for the propagation of the species and also for my chances of having a happy family. I told him us giraffes don't believe in nuclear families. I just want my ̶M̶e̶d̶i̶u̶m̶ ̶b̶a̶d̶g̶e̶ street rep as a top rooter in giraffes. If I didn’t root any dudes in between I’d blow my load quicker than a cheetah catches those uber eats delivery drivers who can only afford a push bike. Then I wouldn't score as much.

Haven’t you heard of the 10,000 hours theory? I asked him. If I get 10,000 hours of rooting under my belt I’ll achieve mastery and then all the chicks will want me to root them and I’ll propagate my heart out and that will make me very happy.

Day 4

Still no decent food. I thought these people would have more vegetarian options cos they reckon killing is bad but apparently animals is ok. I’m getting over the crackers. I asked for some jam or acacia sap to spread on mine but Swallowmen glared at me like I was asking for lube again.

There’s this elephant here who is smoking hot. He was shooting me eyes during the bedtime story reading tonight. It was something about apples and snakes and this garden where humans used to live until they started getting body shamed. I asked Swallowmen for a friend whether incest is better than gay sex and he reckoned it was. I said cos we had this brother sister couple in our pack once and they made a baby that had eight legs and even less brain cells. Swallowmen got a bit angry and said he didn’t come here to fuck spiders (*Australian expression) and I agreed with him. Even I’ve got some standards.

Day 5

Wagged class with the elephant today. His name is Enrique and he denied himself sex for five years after a wading bird gay shamed him. His arsehole was so dry and musty I nicknamed it the closet, and poured half a dozen gallons of lube inside so my Rolls Royce didn't get all scratched up when I drove in.

Enrique’s smouldering eye. Photo by Inbetween Architects Jerome Charignon on Unsplash

When I got back to camp Swallowmen was furious. I think he smelled the hippo spunk and it irritated his allergies. He said it’s our graduation exam tomorrow and I was ‘this close’ to blowing my chances. I said I’ll blow anything that’s STD-free and I almost got a laugh out of him, but turned out it was just reflux from not enough salami in his diet.

Day 6

Pretty sure I flunked the exam. One of the questions was, ‘What would you do if you had unclean thoughts about a member of the same sex in your workplace?’

I wrote ‘bend him over the acacia tree and punch in and out repeatedly.’

Day 7

I flunked the exam.

Swallowmen had tears running out of his big googly eyes when he told me. I wasn’t all that bothered, I’d failed plenty of exams before and I rather liked rooting other dudes. But then these two gorillas in suits marched in and grabbed me and dragged me off and I could tell by their faces a threesome wasn’t on the cards. I asked anyway, and that was when one of them punched me in the face.

•••

I woke up tied to a bench with a bunch of mental humans surrounding me. They talked like they thought they were animals but none I’d ever heard before. Swallowmen was nowhere to be seen. The mental humans all held the story book in their hands and occasionally shouted stuff like ‘devil’ and ‘demons’ and ‘Elton John.’

I tried telling them all I did was love the creatures around me. I love everyone, just like the protagonist in their book. Am I to be punished because I love more than they do?

Then a couple of them lit a fire out of a bunch of porno mags — the Wi-Fi is pretty bad out here — and held these metal pokers in there til they glowed red. I didn’t need to understand gibberish to know this wasn’t going to end well.

Just when I thought this might be the last rod my anus would ever accommodate, Swallowmen burst through the wall riding Enrique — if you could call it riding; he was sitting on Enrique’s back and still had his cock inside his pants. Enrique used his sharp tusks to cut my bindings and I was halfway to freedom. Swallowmen, preacher that he is, attempted to stand on Enrique’s back and yell through a megaphone, but lost his balance and fell off onto some uneaten rock cakes and knocked himself out.

Swallowmen riding incognito on top of Enrique. Photo by Nur Andi Ravsanjani Gusma on pexels.com

I couldn’t leave him there with the mental humans and pissed off gorillas. I decided to save his arse, so maybe one day he’d let me pound it. With no other option available, I stuffed Swallowmen’s limp body inside Enrique’s luckily still lubed arsehole. Good thing Swallowmen is so skinny from his cracker diet and Enrique’s rectum is designed to entertain a six foot elephant penis.

As we galloped away from camp, gay and free and proud as all fuck, Swallowmen woke up and began making muffled cries from inside Enrique. I had to chuckle. Little did Swallowmen know, he would soon be coming out of the closet.

Unfortunately gay conversion therapy is actually a thing, and is way more fucked up than my story. Read more about it here.

Queer or bisexual behaviour in giraffes is well documented, but assigning human labels to animals is fraught with danger. Check out this video if you want to know more:

Humor
Fiction
Short Story
LGBTQ
Animals
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