Gaslighting: The Ultimate Form of Disrespect
My experiences with gaslighting and how it destroyed my confidence
Have you ever had someone deny an experience you had, such as something they’ve said, and it makes you stop and wonder whether you’re crazy? If so, you’ve been a victim of gaslighting. The term was coined because of the movie, Gaslight, about a woman whose husband drives her crazy because he keeps denying her perceptions and experiences. Though fiction, the movie reflects real-life manipulation that many people experience.
I will relate to you the emotional journey I endured as a result of gaslighting. Relationships in my life have unfortunately given me my fair share of it, and I am not just talking about romantic relationships. Though it beat down my sense of self-esteem and confidence over the years, I am now able to reflect on it and bring myself back to the “non-crazy” zone, and you can do it, too.
“Remember, a fact is a fact, no matter how hard the liars amongst you might try hushing it up.” ― Billy Childish, My Fault
Hearing That Your Memories are Incorrect Flattens You
When you tell someone about an event in the past and they say it didn’t happen the way you remember, or even that it didn’t happen at all, it hurts. It is worse when you’re calling someone out on something they said or did in order to prove a point, and they flat out deny it. They might also try to say that you misinterpreted the event. This means you have no grounds to move forward in your argument and makes you take a step back and re-assess your own mental health.
It’s so detrimental to your sanity to have to analyze your sanity because the person claims to remember something differently than you do. If you pursue your stance, they will continue to cut you down, so they win either way. It doesn’t matter if you are confident or if you accept that you might have false memories: either way, you won’t win.
The more someone denies that things happened the way you said, the more your confidence and self-esteem are diminished, and after long periods of this, you might find yourself feeling really small.
I underwent years of feeling like my feelings, memories, and interpretations weren’t valid until I no longer trusted myself at all. My ‘old’ self was gone. it vanished with my self-confidence. I didn’t know myself anymore. I missed me! Only after removing myself from the situation have I finally recognized that I am not crazy, and my assessments of past situations were always correct. It can take years to rebuild yourself after this kind of abuse.
Even If You Write Things Down, You’ll Doubt Yourself Seriously
I was so mad the first time I realized that writing things down to document them actually made zero difference — if the other person is set on gaslighting you, they won’t care what evidence you have. I thought that my notes in my journal about the facts would take care of the conflict and settle the arguments, but they never did.
Of course, documenting things is still useful for you. If you keep a record of events when they happen, you will feel more confident in yourself, even if you can’t change the way you’re being treated. You’ll have your own reasons to eventually get yourself out of the abusive relationship as a strong person with convictions. Re-read your journals and re-align with your self-trust.
Gaslighters Only Want to Save Their Butts
It won’t matter how you struggle — gaslighters will stay focused on their goal of saving themselves from having to face reality. They’ve been so successful in evading responsibility for all this time, why would they even consider changing their behavior now?
The people who have gaslighted me in my life showed, and continue to show no signs of admitting they were wrong. I never got close to an apology, and it is far too much to hope for them to admit to me that they blatantly lied about a past situation because they didn’t want to face it. That would take an enormous amount of integrity, maturity, and transformation on their parts. I finally accepted this.
For some people, it’s far more tolerable to cause suffering in others and watch their strength diminish than to face their own past mistakes. If they allow themselves to look at the past, it might do something to them — so out of fear, they choose to preserve their innocence with deception. Out of fear, they choose to hurt the people who trust and love them, because they’ve never had to admit fault before. They have never been made to face mistakes of the past, so why would they start now?
Build Yourself Back Up — You Got This!
Your protests will change nothing; the gaslighter will not give in. So, why stay around someone this ridiculous? You deserve to be around people who treat situations equitably — the way you do. You deserve to have people believe you and believe in you. It’s possible to re-build your personality back to strength. It took more strength for me to walk away from a relationship and finally give up on a mature interaction than it did for me to initiate my self-confidence. You may not trust your own memory now, but if you move away from people who gaslight you, you’ll see your true self coming back — a person who knows when they’re right and won’t stand for bullsh*t.
You know what you know.
Hi, I’m Emily. I write about wellness, consciousness, and existence, and I enjoy connecting with others who are waking up. Visit Shakti Mindful Awakening to connect and find out more about me.
The divine in me recognizes the divine in you.