PSYCHOLOGY

Gaslighting — How To Avoid Being Victimized

Tips To Shield Your Self-Esteem And Fight Against Manipulation

Almost everyone is consciously or unconsciously manipulated at some point in their life. This can happen through our parents, in a partnership, or in our workplace. A distinction is made between harmless manipulations and psychological abuse. One form of this emotional violence is so-called “gaslighting”. So, what is this “gaslighting”, how do you recognize it and how can you protect yourself from it?

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a particularly perfidious form of manipulation and emotional abuse. The perpetrators influence their victims until they doubt themselves, their own opinion and perception (thoughts, feelings, memory), and are completely psychologically destabilized.

As with any abuse, it results from a power struggle, a need for control, or an attempt to obfuscate. Those affected are deliberately and unsettled until they doubt their self-worth, their opinion, or their perception. Often, the goal of brainwashing is to break the victim or to make them mentally dependent. The dangerous thing about it is that the victim often only notices the manipulation too late.

Typical deception and manipulation techniques used by the perpetrators include:

• Misleading (changing the environment)
• Intimidation (threats, isolation)
• Denial ( denying abilities, belittling)
• Lies (deception, intrigue)
• Contradiction (turning words around in the mouth)
• Allegations (criticizing inappropriate behavior or clothing)
• Defamation (defamation, character assassination, declare mad)

The perpetrators usually aim to exploit the existing relationship of trust to make their increasingly insecure victims emotionally and mentally dependent on themselves — in other words, to gain complete control and power over their victims. The more it distrusts itself, the more it involuntarily turns to the perpetrator and becomes wax in his hands.

Gaslighting is often practiced by narcissistic personalities and can lead to a loss of reality in the victim

One of the most prominent gas lighters is probably the former US President Donald Trump and his “alternative facts” with which he tried to manipulate the perception of American voters and international partners.

Who is the victim of gaslighting?

Practically we have certainly all been victims of gaslighting at some point — and also perpetrators — consciously or unconsciously. There is hardly an interpersonal relationship that takes place entirely without manipulation. From your own parents, in a partnership, or at work. Even flirting is nothing more than an attempt to manipulate to win someone else’s sympathy.

It is noticeable that women, in particular, seem to suffer from gaslighting but there are no empirical studies on this. Perhaps it is simply they who seek help or speak openly about the manipulation.

For social and cultural reasons, women tend to be more submissive to other people, especially men.

However, it is believed that gaslighting is based on classic role patterns in which men take the dominant role — or try to do so by gaslighting. Children who are manipulated by their parents in this way are also often affected — for example in the form of a guilty conscience so that they tidy up their room or do their homework.

Convincing your partner with a guilty conscience so that they stay at home because you would rather cuddle on the sofa even though they have a date with friends for soccer is a form of manipulation. Do you claim the “You never told me that” when your wife is angry that you haven’t taken out the trash again? That, too, is — provided it is not true — a form of gaslighting.

However, the intention makes the difference: Do I want to benefit my counterpart or just myself? The latter can already represent emotional abuse and thus a form of psychological violence.

The victims of gaslighting often include people who were manipulated in their childhood.

They have only experienced relationships as (emotional) dependency and find it difficult to break free from these behavioral patterns or their perpetrators.

Gaslighting is a manipulation technique that will probably never completely disappear. How so? Because it is effective and based on a basic human need:

People are social beings and are therefore used to comparing their perception with that of other people. After all, four eyes see more than two. This used to be important in order to be able to recognize dangers early on. Nowadays, this deeply anchored mechanism sets the course for gaslighting

The link between gaslighting and narcissism

Narcissists naturally tend to manipulate their social environment and thus also to gaslighting. This is due to their uncertainty. They usually cover up their insecure self with excessive self-confidence and often have a dangerous charm.

The greatest manipulators are often the ones you least expect. This is exactly what makes narcissists so dangerous. Because their charming appearance quickly creates a basis of trust between the victim and the perpetrator, which paves the way for gaslighting.

What the victim often perceives as friendship or reciprocity is, for the narcissist, an end in itself. Everything and everyone is a danger to him. Therefore, he tries to gain control. Gaslighting is an effective method for this in interpersonal relationships.

The narcissist uses manipulation to make his environment stable and predictable.

Due to the strikingly high number of executives with narcissistic personality disorder, gaslighting is becoming more and more of a problem in professional life.

Do lies really have short legs?

The manipulation is based on lies. Often the “gaslighters” begin with small, apparently unimportant, and barely noticeable untruths.

The stronger the victim’s trust, the more drastic, unscrupulous, and actually less credible the perpetrator’s lies become.

Without outside help, it is difficult or even impossible for those affected to recognize their emotional dependency and manipulation and to free themselves from it. Socially isolated people and people in crises, such as bullying, are particularly susceptible to gaslighting.

So the perpetrator consciously creates images of the enemy in order to present himself as the savior in need.

Lies may have short legs, but the victims are blind to their own situation — or simply no longer have enough self-confidence to defend themselves against the manipulator. They attribute more competence to him than to themselves and distrust of their own mind.

Detecting gaslighting is difficult if not impossible for victims

Often the victims only recognize the gaslighting when they are made aware of it by a third person. Later they often ask themselves:

“Why did I let myself do this for so long?”

But allegations are out of place here. The victim can usually only recognize the manipulation retrospectively. If you observe gaslighting, you should therefore carefully make the person concerned aware of it. To expect gratitude, however, you would be asking too much. The victim will most likely take a defensive stance first, maybe even incite the gaslighter against you.

This can lead to problems, especially in a professional environment. You should therefore only interfere as a bystander if there is a correspondingly intimate relationship between you and the gaslighting victim. Otherwise, it may be advisable to involve a mediator.

But how can you, as an outsider or affected person, even recognize gas lighting in the workplace?

Typical situations — Gaslighting in the workplace

There are many warning signs or typical situations that can indicate manipulation in the workplace in the form of gaslighting.

• There is a person, for example, your supervisor or a teammate, who always makes you feel like you are making mistakes.
• Whenever you want to say something, someone interrupts, corrects, or exposes you. As a consequence, you no longer speak up out of fear.
• A colleague or supervisor always misrepresents your conversations, puts words in your mouth, or suddenly “forget” what you were talking about, so that you start to doubt yourself.
• You have been told so often that you are too emotional, overreacting, or too sensitive that you now believe it yourself. Women in particular are often affected by this form of manipulation. Here is an example:

Your colleague stole an idea from you. You’re pissed off and trying to pronounce it. However, they make you believe that their behavior is correct and that you overreact. In the end, you catch yourself apologizing for your behavior — even though the colleague who stole the idea committed the actual wrongdoing.

• You apologize more and more often for your behavior, your words, your opinions, etc.
• Your colleague or supervisor keeps making promises to you, that not only break afterward but even deny the promise to you. In moments like this, you wish you had recorded the conversation — just to make sure you weren’t mistaken.
• Especially when you want to defend yourself against such behavior, the “gaslighter” shows its nice side again, compliments you, or does you a favor. Just enough to make you doubt again.
• Your self-confidence drops or you begin to question your mental health, in other words, your “mind”.
• The “gaslighter” reacts to a confrontation with a personal devaluation instead of logical arguments. Sentences like “You are so sensitive”, “Don’t let your frustration out on me” or “You should visit a psychologist” are widely used.

Effects of gaslighting

Gaslighting is not a trivial offense. It is a particularly serious emotional and emotional abuse. In the extreme, the manipulation can lead to the systematic destruction of perception, self-confidence, and madness. Those affected often suffer from severe self-doubt for years afterward, fall into depression or show symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or develop a dissociative disorder. Psychosomatic comorbidities can also occur.

After such experiences, the gaslighting victims usually need psychological therapy to process the experiences and to be stabilized again.

How can you defend yourself against gaslighting?

The latter is already a good tip:

If you notice that your self-confidence is decreasing, you start to doubt yourself or experience feelings such as fear or shame more and more frequently, you should seek help from third parties.

This can — but does not have to — be a psychotherapist. Even the help of friends, family, or acquaintances who may have already had experience with gaslighting can already work small miracles. As already mentioned, the manipulator usually creates social isolation. Breaking out of this and comparing your perception with that of third parties is therefore the most effective strategy against manipulation. You then notice very quickly that it’s not you who are crazy, but the perpetrator.

When you have identified gaslighting, the hardest step is already behind you. As already mentioned, the support from your social environment, i.e. from uninvolved third parties, is the most effective method against gaslighting. Also, do the following:

• Keep your distance from the perpetrator.
• Don’t confront them, they’ll take a defensive stance anyway.
• Do not try to “uncover the truth”. Instead, accept that the manipulator is who they are and that they may even believe in their own distorted reality.
• Learn to let go of the past and focus on the future.
• Do not give the “gaslighter” any power over you. Defend yourself, even if they call your behavior “immature”, “defiant” or “disturbed”.
• Take yourself seriously, believe in yourself, and build your self-confidence again.
• If necessary, keep a diary: write down WHEN WHAT happened and WHICH words were uttered. Should you have doubts again, you will have proof of the correctness of your perception.
• Find out about gaslighting to see through similar manipulations in yourself and your social environment more quickly in the future.
• If necessary, change job if you otherwise cannot adequately evade the gaslighter, for example, because they are in leadership and thus in a power position.

Checking facts, rebuilding self-confidence, and getting help from third parties are the only but effective methods against gaslighting. From now on, keep your eyes open and react quickly if you observe gaslighting in yourself or your social environment — regardless of whether you are working or privately.

In general, do not try to argue with a gaslighter. That just costs unnecessary strength. Whoever wants to manipulate does not want to hear that he or she is wrong! Avoid the perpetrator, believe in yourself, and focus on the future. The best protection against gaslighting is a high level of self-confidence.

Here is a great story from Alejandro Betancourt about self-knowledge and self-love

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