Summary

The author discusses the challenges of dealing with gaslighting from well-intentioned friends and the impact of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) on self-esteem and personal growth, particularly in the context of seeking therapy and managing a business.

Abstract

The author shares personal experiences with gaslighting, a psychological manipulation tactic that has contributed to their low self-esteem and self-doubt. They reflect on how these issues have affected their business, causing hesitation in expansion due to fear of failure and imposter syndrome. The struggle to seek help is compounded by difficulties in therapy and feelings of not being "broken enough" for assistance. The author also describes the dynamics of conversations with friends who, despite good intentions, tend to interrupt and question their trauma narrative, leading to unresolved debates and frustration. The author finds solace in writing a blog, which allows them to complete their thoughts and edit them before sharing. They emphasize that trauma is subjective and that everyone's experience and reaction to it are unique. The author concludes by acknowledging the difficulty of addressing such interactions with friends and expresses uncertainty about the best approach, while also expressing hope that sharing their stories will help others with similar experiences.

Opinions

The author believes that gaslighting is a significant factor in their low self-esteem and tendency to procrastinate or self-sabotage.
They feel that their business has not reached its full potential due to personal fears and self-doubt, despite having the necessary infrastructure for success.
The author questions their worthiness of help and whether their trauma is severe enough to warrant therapy, indicating a sense of unworthiness and shame.
They note a sense of irony in being a private person yet choosing to share their experiences publicly through a blog.
The author perceives a friend's interruptions and need to be heard as a form of unintentional gaslighting, rather than malicious intent.
They advocate for the recognition that all trauma is valid and that comparing traumatic experiences is not productive.
The author is sensitive to being questioned about their trauma and prefers to avoid deep discussions that may not allow them to fully express their thoughts.
They express a need for awareness and understanding of mental health issues and hope that their writing can provide support to others in similar situations.

Gaslighting by well-intentioned friends

What to do when self doubt is baked in?

CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

One of the most insidious things about what I went through is the constant second guessing, which in psychological terms is referred to as gaslighting. Something I had heard about but not fully understood until recently.

I personally believe it’s one of the main reasons for my low self esteem. As a by-product there are many things I start and don’t complete or worse, I never start them at all and spend way too much time deep in my head intellectualizing and not doing. It’s also a reason I feel like I’m lazy, which gets compounded with shame, my core issue.

This can be exasperating as I started my own business nearly 20 years ago and have never had this issue in business, except with the expansion of the business out of fear I’ll take on a client that I can’t handle, also known as imposter syndrome. That right there is the main reason I’ve not grown the business, I’ve put everything in place to be far more successful, but I constantly sabotage myself and thus the business.

This is extremely frustrating when seeking help and running into the hurdles I have. I tried to get help with a therapist that specializes in the trauma I went through and that fell through, my abandonment issues kicked in and I started to doubt that I was worthy of help.

Am I not broken enough for help?

I know how ridiculous that sounds. Everyone, regardless of the level of trauma they went through deserves help. But I genuinely started asking myself “am I not broken enough?” Then when things fell through with the next therapist, I started asking “is my money not even good enough?”.

This is also one of the main reasons I rarely talk to people about this because the last thing I want to do is get into a debate on whether or not what I went through was real or just in my head. The other being I’m naturally a private person. Ironic that I’m writing it on a blog, no?

Well intentioned friends

Then there are the good intentioned friends who question you when you bring any of this up. Take the other night for instance, I visited some good friends, a husband and wife couple I’ve known for maybe 10 years and it’s only been in the last year or so that I’ve started opening up to them. They both had crappy childhoods, the wife I suspect either went through worse than the husband or she’s more vocal about it, perhaps both.

I visited them a month or two back and we started talking about this a little and the wife, while well meaning, has a tendency to interrupt and over talk you. She’s not doing it from a place of malice I believe, but rather insecurity and I feel she has a need to be heard. Most every time I go quiet and allow her to finish her thought even though it’s rarely reciprocated.

On the visit a month or so ago, she and I started talking about it and she did the usual interrupting. It’s frustrating as I lose my point and rarely get to finish my thought, hence why I enjoy writing in the blog, I both get to finish my thoughts but also edit them before publishing them.

Anyway, on this particular visit, let’s call her Jane, Jane interrupted me again and I felt it was going down the path where I might have to start justifying my position which I feel no one should have to do when explaining their trauma journey. In her defense, I suspect her need to tell her story is probably just as strong as mine, perhaps more so.

It’s not a competition, trauma is trauma

After a few minutes, on one of the rare times I interrupted her, I explained that regardless of the abuse you went through, whether you handled it well or poorly, everyone’s abuser is different, and the level of abuse is different and the way you react is different, so how could I possibly know what you went through?

She seemed really happy with this, giving her the recognition she badly needed I felt, but at the same time I don’t think she connected the dots that this was my diplomatic, perhaps poor way of saying you need to let me finish a thought from time to time.

Are you sure?

I started telling her a story of how I was hated by my family and my cousin Leigh was treated like a golden child. She point blank asked me how I knew that and I felt it came across in a bit of an accusatory manner. I suspect that’s a combination of me being hyper sensitive about such things and her own personal struggles with interpersonal communication.

I tried explaining a little but it’s hard to both do that period, but also it was the end of a lovely evening and it was after midnight and the last thing I wanted to do was get into a deep conversation about my abusive family, especially knowing I’d not get to complete my thoughts.

I politely gave her one example and told her there were many more. She went quiet for a while, I have no idea if what I told her satisfied her, but I proceeded to change the subject.

I don’t have the answer

I’m really not sure what to do when people do this, if I speak up I could create friction which is the last thing I want or need.

I already censor my words and am now making more of a conscious effort to just listen and not ask questions that could be considered accusatory.

Beyond that, I don’t have the answer on what to do when well intentioned friends gaslight me or you.

Documenting my stories is not easy but helps me and I hope it can help some other lost soul. Help me raise awareness for mental health by hitting that follow button and giving me a clap. Thank you so much!!!