Funny Money and the Curse of Crazy Horse

The unknown story of Jiminey Krimminers

Everyone knows of the spell that is placed on the wallets of all Americans.

No one has ever been able to find the source of the maleficence.

No American from 1800 up to this present day has ever been able to save their surplus earnings.

There is always some unexpected expense.

No matter how large or small our surplus income is, an unexpected expense always comes along to take that money away.

I come to you today to tell you the story of one time-traveling Mountaineer that the Lakota called Jiminey Krimminers.

When Crazy Horse was sure of defeat by the pale-faced invaders, he let out a cry to the heavens that their descendants be cursed for 13 generations, but Crazy Horse died before he could complete his curse.

Those living today believe that the curse only spans the 7 generations from the time of Crazy Horse to the present day.

However, I come here to you today to tell you the full story.

An Angel appeared on that day, looked down and took pity on the Lakota people and all the native peoples of Turtle Island.

He saw the land crossed with steel and tar and towers of glass being built in the future. He saw the crops of blue, red, and golden corn turned into a sterile generic yellow strand robbed of its Holiness, turned into a genetic impurity.

The Angel took pity upon the land. He took the curse from the mind of Crazy Horse as he lay dying and vowed that it would be placed properly upon the people that had raped and pillaged the people and the land.

Now, being an Angel, he couldn’t place the curse himself, so he had to find a willing and suitable human being.

The Angel also saw that Crazy Horse had overextended himself curing the pale-faced invaders for 13 generations when only 7 generations remained to be born before the end of time.

Just then, as these things usually happen, it was as if he was a gift from God, Jiminey Krimminers appeared climbing over the mountains’ edge to appear before the Angel.

The Angel told Jiminey the story of the curse of Crazy Horse, the 13 generations, and what he saw of the future of the land. Jiminey being a mountaineer by trade was horrified by the revelations of the angel. He immediately agreed to release the curse and do the angel’s bidding for him.

The Angel wanted the pale-face to feel the full force of Crazy Horse’s curse, so he took Jiminey back in time so that 13 generations of pale-faced descendants would be marked by the curse.

Jiminey read the words on the parchment that the Angel had given him, releasing Crazy Horse’s curse on the pale-faced invaders.

From then on, they and their descendants would forever, no matter how much salary they received, not have surplus money.

The curse matched the income level of every descendant of the pale-faced invaders for 13 generations for all their history.

If one of them had a surplus of $50, they would suffer $50 of unexpected expenses. If one had $5,000 in surplus income, they would experience $5,000 in unexpected expenses.

The curse worked for 13 generations.

Starting with our founding fathers and going forward, we today in this modern era are members of the 13th generation. The generation the Angel called “the end of time.”

We may have paid our debts through the blood curse placed upon us by Crazy Horse and Jiminey Kriminers, but now we face what I fear may be the true recompense for the crimes of those from all the generations of people who occupied this land from 1800 to the present day: the inevitable decline of human civilization and the end of time.