HUMOUR | WRITING PROMPT RESPONSE | FICTION
Funerals and Farewells
A man gets the retirement party he never wanted
“If there’s one thing in my life I can’t stand, it’s farewell parties.”
Everyone in the room looked at Jefferson in shock. A young man next to him almost spilt wine over his expensive suit. The people in the room held their breath in anticipation of the rest of Jefferson’s speech. A banner hanging over his head read, “Farewell Jeff. Thank you for 45 years of loyalty.”
“There are two occasions,” Jefferson continued, “when people tend to lie the most — funerals and farewells. And the good Lord knows, I wish this were my funeral.”
By this moment, the wine started to trickle out of the young man’s glass and onto his handmade Italian leather shoes.
“Look at this guy! He can’t hold his glass upright, but he lurks like a hyena, ready to salvage the rotten carcass that was my career until now. Philip, you symbolise everything wrong in today’s business life.”
Philip, Jefferson’s fancy-dressed successor, stood there with a wooden box in one hand and his spilt drink in the other. It was the first time the department’s staff had seen him speechless.
“You are about to hand me that golden watch and tell me what a huge loss my retirement will be for this company. At the same time, you are making plans to redecorate my office. Hell knows you’ll want a studio couch. You have been banging your secretary in your crowded little office for months. What a f**king cliche. Pun intended.”
Somewhere in the back of the room, a woman cursed. The sound startled Philip so much that he dropped the glass and the wooden box. The latter opened when it hit the floor and sent the golden watch flying down the podium.
“Although, you probably can’t care less because this is my last day,” Jefferson said, raising his glass, “I hate to be called Jeff!”
At that point, Philip left the room crying. A woman ran after him calling him names. For a moment, the room fell completely silent. Then, everybody cheered at the older man on the podium.
“Jeff! We will miss you!”
“Well, ladies and gentlemen,” Jeff said with a mischievous grin, “Let’s get this party started!”
Someone once told me you almost exclusively hear lies at funerals and farewells. I combined that with inspiration from JF Danskin’s writing prompt.
“A character has to give a speech at work — perhaps at a holiday-related party, or a retirement. They begin with: “If there’s one thing in my life I can’t stand, it’s…” Write what they say next.”
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