Fun With Bigots

We’re going about this all wrong.

In this story, by the excellent Roz Warren …

… she describes an encounter with a bigoted airplane seatmate.

As I sat down and settled into my aisle seat, the man gave me a welcoming smile. “I’m so glad you’re sitting here,” he told me. …

“Thank you,” I replied.

“I was scared it would be the guy with the turban,” he explained. “When I saw him in the boarding lounge, I was really hoping he wouldn’t sit near us.”

In the remainder of her serious story she ponders what the right response to such racist speech should be, amongst other issues.

Now I can be deadly serious, and often am, or was, especially during my days as an ER Doc. I can also be flippant AF (also satiric, sarcastic, subtly scathing, cheeky, impertinent, etc.) while sporting a broad grin on my idiot face.

AND, I rapidly cycle between serious and not-serious.

That makes it hard for those I encounter to keep up, and frankly I don’t give a shit.

Some have commented on my rapid cycling tendency, and for those uncomfortable few — mostly friends — I provide road signs. As in “and now I’m being serious, and now I’m not” depending on the circumstances.

Strangers however, especially those of the racist, bigoted, unpleasant, disagreeable ilk get no such clues. They just get my pesky unvarnished self, and have to deal with it.

Besides I have a blast being confusing to those around me, and it keeps me out of trouble (Cuz bigots are mostly too fucking stupid to know when they’re being fucked with.).

Sooooooooo … All this blather to presage what my response would have been to the white snake on the plane that Roz rubbed elbows with.

“That terrorist in the turban? Oh yeah, that’s my husband.”

Then, with my best “could-eat-a-banana-sideways grin” on my dopey face I would have let that steaming conundrum of a comment sit there in proud boy’s lap … for. the. entire. duration. of. our. six. hour. flight. together.

And, if neo-nasty ventured any further zaniness I would have continued in the same vein, and would have LOVED it.

So, even though I can be serious as a pus pocket on your anal verge (especially on topics like bigotry and racism) I think we need more quippy quick comebacks to the everyday phrases that racist shitheads fling about like a honey wagon’s output.

I’ll get you started with a few. Please feel free to chime in with your brand of creativity in the comments.

Racist comment: “You know how those people are.”

Fun response: “I do, and I’m so glad that they are. They give me plenty of material to write about in my online publication “Hitler — Too Little Too Late.” You should check it out.”

Racist comment: “Those fucking wetbacks (or similar) are taking all the good jobs.”

Fun response: “Yeah, what are the slopes, slants, spics, kikes, wops, heebies, yids, spooks, flips, pakis (I could go on and on here) supposed to do now to feed all their filthy kids?”

Racist comment: “Those ________ are always so ________.”

Fun response: “Well, that’s a good thing because it makes it that much easier to tell them apart from good people like us.”

And, just so you know that I brought my bad behavior to work as an ER Doc.

Surgeon: (trying to bust my balls) “Hey Burg, that guy with the gun shot wound to the head who’s not breathing, don’t you think you should do something about that?”

Me: “Not really. When did we ever start doing exactly the right thing in this emergency department?” (Trust me when I say that ALL the right things were being done to save the man’s life, except the surgeon hadn’t cared to notice.)

If you don’t mind stepping in it occasionally.