What would AR do?

Fun, Safe, Non-violent Activities I Enjoy With My AR-15

Aw, shoot, I’m havin’ a good ol’ time

What with all the recent mass shootings and murders being blamed our beloved national emblem, I would like to put forward some fair and balanced arguments as to why we should not toss the baby out with the bathwater. America’s history is littered with poor tradesman all too eager to blame their tools, but it’s time for change. On both sides.

Many people think that the AR-15 was designed purely as a weapon. A murder magnate. A diabolical death dealer. An iconic implement of innocence incineration. You get the point. These pansy pacifists love to pontificate. But have you not heard of the American dream? Where you are born doesn’t dictate where you end up. You think when Arnold Schwarzenegger hatched his parents ever dreamed he would end up the governator of California? No.

You think Martin Luther King ever dreamed of a day he could turn his dreams into speeches? Unlikely.

You think Sigmund Freud ever dreamed his pornographic dreams about his mother could be excused by psychobabble and swallowed by rational human beings as science?

Probably. He did have quite an ego.

I dream of a day the AR will shrug off the hurtful pot shots and show itself to be a productive, well-liked member of this great nation. Let me tell you how.

Your AR-15 can be helpful for clearing up after children’s birthday parties. Don’t you hate the piles of balloons that need deflating when all you want to do is kick back on the lounge and watch the latest NRA meeting live stream? Fear not. One clip should be enough for the job. Pop that pesky jumping castle while you’re at it as a warning sign for any stragglers.

Your AR-15 is a multipurpose construction tool similar to the Swiss army knife, minus the splintered-ass neutrality. Loose nails need hammering in? Bang. Pilot holes need drilling but you can’t be bothered changing the drill bit? Bang. Government official strays onto your site blathering about proper working conditions and environmental regulations? You get the picture.

Your AR-15 is especially helpful for the elderly, who cannot garden like they used to. It only takes a couple of months of good weather and hospitalization for an olive tree’s branches to shoot way out of reach. Your AR-15 can accurately prune and de-limb even the tallest trees. Why not help out a neighbour and eliminate their snail problem from the comfort of your bedroom window? However, if you are going to be doing a lot of gardening, or live in an apartment, I would recommend getting a suppressor.

Do you appreciate the design aesthetics of Jarlsberg cheese but dislike it’s stinky European taste? Fear not. Your trusty AR-15 can transform your classic cheddar or American cheese slices into a trendy dinner party snack in a heartbeat. Who doesn’t love a cheese with exit wounds? Feel free to ignore those so-called health experts who will tell you the smoked-lead taste may be a carcinogen. As I tell the children during my school talks, ya gotta die of something.

I could go on, but hopefully now you can see the variety of ways the AR-15 can contribute to society, and you’ll stopping putting your signature on those ridiculous protests to ban guns. By God, we may as well ban water while we’re at it. The bastard drowns thousands every year. And remember, next time you are faced with a problem that seems insurmountable, stop and think. What would my AR-15 do?