MUSIC | CANNON

Fuck Your Classics — Give Me Ashnikko Any Day

Here’s a dagger straight to the heart of bullshitty guitars

The Riff is a wonderful publication. I love The Riff. I love The Riff writers. But when are we going to start seeing more modern music? It’s all posts about old-time favorites and classics from the school of rock. It’s all ranting against modernism and the cuddling embrace from the class of the 90s. It’s all a Gen X topographic landscape riddled with grungey angst.

There’s never much deviation into music that’s here and now which kicks the balls of the past with a resounding fist pump to the future.

I’m bored with it all. I’ve heard all the arguments. I’ve bought all the records. I’m ready for new! new! new! Let’s see some TikTok action from the underlings of the music world. Let’s get more attitude and less punk circa 1977. I want to see new bands and hear new sounds.

Hey…look, I’m guilty as the rest of the people I follow. Occasionally I learn something and there’s a band I’ve never heard before. And yes, that band, more than likely, died in a blaze of glory in 2004.

I’m not knocking anybody’s choice of music…well, maybe that one fool who said Whitesnake was their guilty pleasure…I mean, fuck Whitesnake right? There it is again…me quoting from the cannon. Another reference from a scene some 30 years ago.

There has to be more to music than this? I don’t believe Rob Janicke when he says there can only be so many chords and so many songs before everything starts sounding similar. There’ll be no new scenes or fuckwits like Diplo becoming huge. Oh, scrap that. Diplo became huge because he borrowed and pilfered the past and made up some crack bullshit sound that was familiar and the masses loved. Fuck Diplo. What? You’ve never heard of Diplo?

The problem stems from the writers. We’re all guilty. We’re all of a certain age writing what we loved. That’s the demographic of the writers. But…BUT…we’re all music lovers, right? Well, let's hear some new fucking music. The Dandy Warhols are dead. So is the Queen. I want more than Billy Eilish or Grimes. I need more than Megan Thee Stallion or Starcrawler. Again, if you’re asking yourself who the fuck are they, then you really need to start addressing why you listen to cock rock and easy listening radio sounds from the 70s. Come on Grandpa…the Kids Are Alright (another reference to dinosaurs).

Let me fill you in on two stars that may have passed you by.

ASHNIKKO.

This is the one. This one fucking oozes attitude. This sinks its teeth into your neck and literally rips your throat out. She smashes through this hit and she’s pure power. Raw and twisted. Full-throttle music that sticks two fingers to the man, the boyfriend, and every other stupid arsehole that looked at her wrong.

Lucky for you old codgers she has a new tune out and it’s a gentle ballad.

TIERRA WHACK

This tune is relatively old in terms of the pop scene. It’s such a messed up, deranged and quite bizarre video, it deserves another round of applause. Whack released an astonishing album of high concept entitled ‘Whack World’. An album where each song played out within a minute. Is it even an album if it takes 15 minutes to listen to in its entirety? It’s a dazzling display of wordsmithery that draws the listener into her Whack World and slaps several shades of poptastical brilliance across your cheeks.

So come on old skool Riffers, show me something new. Show me something that has me saying, wow…that doesn’t sound like anything I’ve ever heard before. Or at least a modernized take on an old classic. I mean, for fucks sake, a cover version shouldn’t be the same song slowed down should it? I think we’re all bored to death of the ‘beautiful rendition of a fast-paced song slowed down to chilling effect’ cover, aren’t we? And I’m equally as bored reading the same old arguments, positive affirmations, and endless harping of the standard-bearers of modern-day music.

Bring it:

Kevin Alexander, Keith R. Higgons, If Ever You’re Listening, Nicole Brown, Rob Janicke, Jessica Lee McMillan, David Acaster, Alexander Briseño, Paul Combs, Pierce McManus, Danielle Loewen, Sarah Paris, Taylor Moran, Chris Zappa, Steven Hale, Michael Hall, Jim Mowat, TheWellSeasonedLibrarian, Kathryn Dillon, Karla Clifton, Bonnie Barton, and Alex Markham

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