EKPHRASTIC EXPRESSION
Frustrated Writer Questioned in Kidnap Murders as Publisher Panics
When the writing bug bites — a cautionary tale
“Writing is easy. All you have to do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.” -Red Smith
The intern tried to clean and treat the woman’s bloody fingers. Torn nails and shredded tips indicated she’d used them to claw her way out of captivity. The patient squirmed as she furiously sought something to write with. Two seasoned detectives watching were stumped over the horrific violent crimes. Had she strangled them? A nearby broken wine bottle might be a clue.
Why is this victim so determined to write? Hector wondered. Obviously, she could talk, but her story was disjointed and came out all wrong.
Robert opened a notes app on his phone and offered it to the panicked woman. The patient’s gnarled thumbs flew as she typed, thought a moment, then tried to use nearby scissors to scratch at the screen.
Editing, Hector thought.
The victims at the scene of violent carnage were muscular, capable, and determined kidnappers. A concrete bunker with chains bolted into the floor, food scraps and a sleeping bag was evidence of prolonged captivity.
Blaring music from Mozart, then Hillbilly Heavy Metal and rap were certainly signs of torture. Plastic wrappers littered the floor.
A thesaurus and a copy of Writer’s Digest sat among the wreckage. Two posters adorned the walls. Hector had seen images of the cat hanging by its paws before. “Hang in There” was motivational, but the black poster with white letters spelling ‘SEO!!!’ made little sense.
Fragments of thoughts, single words, and crude drawings in blood littered the cement walls.
knife kidneys, 1997 train, Mozambique menthol, chicken liver pate, dangling participle, school board election, Sarah’s sins
“Clara, tell us what happened.” Hector prompted calmly.
The woman ignored the interruption as her fingers still frantically created bullet points for a story —
- kidnapped by 2 men, held in forced confinement without interruptions or distractions
- son hired them to keep her isolated. Ransom? A promise.
- food is awful and never hot
- they don’t include Gregorian chants in music shuffle.
- big one’s breath stinks and little one talks too much — 18 words on Tuesday delivering lunch.
- WiFi sucks, no writing app or Grammarly spell check.
- detectives are morons
- Chardonnay would pair well with Hot Pockets for dinner.
As Robert reached for his phone the spritely grandmother attacked.
In a padded jail cell, with two guards standing by, a psychologist attempted to get answers.
“What made you go along with the plan? Why’d you kill them?”
“I want to be a writer and they kept interrupting my thoughts.” the charming woman replied.
“And the detective? Why did he make you angry?”
Indignation and outrage oozed from every pore of the woman’s soul.
“He tried to steal my story! Creative Inspiration for an artist is hard to find.”
“You know, AI can help with that.” Dr. Ratchett offered.
Indistinguishable screams broke the muddied silence.
[update 9/25/23] Cabbage aka Elrod, who first made an appearance in Sexually Ambiguous Alligators Rocking in Florida — linked to below — followed this piece up with what came next for this writer and her family of multiple personality disordered contributing authors.
Thanks for reading!
Copyright © 2023 Patricia Jeanne
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A list of recent satire and humorous pieces
Not very funny, but demonstrates AI’s impact on original content.
