Frustrated with the Apps? Try the “Burned Haystack” Dating Method

I’m going to introduce you to a method called “Burned Haystack Dating.” It’s far more effective and efficient than what most people do — but before I explain it, you must understand a few things:

1. The method was developed as a result of an academic research project that is entirely non-monetized, non-promoted, and not-for-profit. I am not a “dating coach,” and I do not consult for monetary compensation. I am a researcher and professor who studies dating app interactions, and I moderate the Burned Haystack Method group on Facebook and Instagram. The group is crowd-sourced, grass-roots, and unapologetically feminist. There is no bait-and-switch: you will never have to click to another platform or pay for anything to access the information you need to apply the method. It’s open to women and nonbinary folks who dates cisgender hetero men.
2. My expertise is in rhetoric and metaphor analysis. I teach women to use the tricks of my trades to game the dating apps. I have used the method myself, which you can read about in this article published in The Independent. I also employ a lot of humor, which is arguably more useful than my academic Ph. D. when it comes to surviving digital-era dating.
3. All of life is metaphorical. We cannot communicate, understand, or function without guiding metaphors. If you’d like to nerd out on this topic, you can read my book or the much more famous book whose theory laid the groundwork for mine. You don’t need to read either book to use the method, but you do need to understand the burned haystack metaphor, so let’s do that:

The Burned Haystack Metaphor

You’re looking for the needle in the haystack, right? The one man who will show up, come through, and stick around (those are all metaphors, by the way). You’re looking for the man not holding a fish in his profile, the man not glaring threateningly down at the camera while cutting off his own head in the frame, the man not gazing into the mirror of his crappy bathroom with bad lighting and dirty towels in the background (those are not metaphors, as you well know).

Let’s begin with a very pragmatic question: How do you find a needle in a haystack? Not metaphorically, but in real life. The answer is that you burn the haystack. There are other methods: you could pick through the entire haystack until you find the needle (maybe), but in the process you’ll be frustrated and uncomfortable and demoralized and waste so much time. In other words, you’ll feel exactly the same way you do after another night spent swiping and scrolling on the apps. So don’t do that. Just burn the haystack. Once it’s gone, you’ll see the needles because metal doesn’t burn.

The majority of dating advice to women can be categorized into two broad categories:

1. Make yourself as appealing as possible to as many men as possible. The idea is that it’s a numbers game, and the more attractive you are to the highest number of men, the more likely you are to connect with someone viable.
2. Give everyone a chance. The directive here is to not be too picky right off the bat: he might not be good at taking pictures, he might have been rushed when setting up his profile, he might be super smart but just not good at spelling, he might have been in a bad mood when he sent you that message, he might have been hurt by other women, etc. etc. etc.

I am suggesting the opposite of both those categories of advice. Here are *my* basic instructions:

1. Present yourself exactly as you are. There’s nothing wrong with you. In fact, the fewer men you appeal to, the better. I’ll explain that more below.
2. Give almost no one a chance. All those “might haves” I listed above? You don’t want any of those guys. I’ll explain that more below, too.

First, let’s go back to the metaphor: In this case, “burning the haystack” refers to obliterating 99% of the dating field immediately so that you’re able to see the 1% that might be right for you. Understand that by “one percent” I am not referring to income or attractiveness or anything like that — I’m referring to finding a specific match for you.

The less time you waste manipulating people into thinking you’re someone you’re not or giving men the benefit of the doubt, the more quickly you’ll get to meeting someone worth really getting to know.

Does this mean you’ll meet fewer men and go out on fewer dates? YES. And that’s a GOOD thing.

Because here’s the truth about giving everyone the benefit of the doubt: It’s a gigantic waste of time and instills a sense of false hope. If he can’t take the time to set up a decent dating profile, it doesn’t mean he’s too busy. It means one or more of these things: he’s lazy; he’s dumb; he’s careless; he’s not actually invested in dating. You don’t want any of those things.

And here’s the thing about presenting yourself as anything different or better than you are: It’s manipulative, and manipulation is wrong; it’s bad dating karma. It’s also pointless because it falls apart the second you meet someone in person or shortly thereafter, so that’s also a waste of time.

Burned Haystack Dating Method is an ethos and a mindset, but there are also clear and concrete rules, which are posted on our social media here and here. The conversations we have surrounding dating dilemmas almost always end up circling back to one of the rules.

You can join the group here: https://tinyurl.com/burnedhaystackFB

You can follow us on IG here: https://www.instagram.com/word_case_scenario/?hl=en

If you’d like to read about my own experience that inspired the creation of this method, you can do that here. And there’s also some good stuff here.

My contact info. and other writing can be found here.

I wish you good luck in love and a fruitful experience in Burning the Haystack!