Speaking Bipolar

From the Pages of a Perpetual Pariah: My Ultimatum

The Hidden Chapter, Page 6

A t the end of Pariah, Page 4, We Are Gods, I mention an ultimatum I gave Jack. I found a copy of that ultimatum in my journal. I must have written a draft. This bumps up directly with “My Quest to Become My Commander’s Mistress Series” (FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY.) It actually gives you a sneak peek of where that series is headed, so shhh…there’s still a lot of that story before we get to this part and you’re going to want to see how it plays out if you’re following. It was scandalous and messy.

I still wasn’t stable at that point. I was in the process of leaving my third husband and being medically retired from the Air Force when, apparently, I felt it was necessary to go ahead and add some more fuel to the fire. It was apparently not hot enough. Ballsy was I. What can I say, a crazy girl knows trouble when she sees it and I made a beeline for it. There has always been a pattern and a pickle in my life. I was merely following suit. Read about that pattern and pickle in “My Real-World ‘True’ Love Rundown.” This wasn’t new for me, but it was by far the most dangerous.

Keep in mind, I was still active duty. This was in Nov 2009. 2010 began with a bang. He retired in February, but he was still in my chain of command. We couldn’t come out and we were both still married to other people. My entry and ultimatum, as written (edited) in my journal:

“So, I gave Jack an ultimatum. I told him I didn’t know exactly what I wanted from him, but I wanted more than what we had. I fully expected him to give me the ‘well…if the situation were different…’ speech but he didn’t.”

While going through 12 years of journals for my book, I found that copy of my ultimatum that I intended on giving to him in person as a note after our big exercise in 2009. It reads as follows:

“First off, good morning, as I expect to give this to you as soon as I can. I’ve been wrestling with things for quite some time and have been withholding relevant information from you for fear of driving you away. But it occurred to me that it’s hard to drive someone away who wasn’t really mine anyway and you’re already so damn secretive about things so… here goes. What do I have to lose?

I’ve been afraid to admit to you that I want something more than what we have. I didn’t know if that’s what you wanted to hear or if me saying it would push you away. So screw it, it’s how I feel. And the way I feel isn’t based off of what you want.

I love your smell. I love your voice, whether it’s in front of a crowd, on the phone, or in my ear. I love the way you sip your whiskey and the way it tastes on your lips. I love your demeanor. I love it when you’re mine for those brief moments in time. So brief.

I tell you I don’t expect anything from you and I don’t, but I do want more from you. I think you deserve to be happy, at least experience what it’s like. Do I really think I could do that? Well hell, I don’t know! Possibly?

I want to walk away from you and stop thinking of you because you’re not mine nor will you ever be. But I believe when you feel as deeply as I do about you that you’re obligated to share. And feelings for someone are not based on theirs in turn.

So there it is, I want more. You said the other women you were talking to wanted more and that led me to believe that’s the main reason you weren’t as interested. I’m not sure if that’s what your main attraction to me has been, but if so, I will count myself as undesirable. I will fit it into the same cookie cutter mold as the others. And I’m okay with that.

So, what do I want from you? I want you to tell me how you feel. And I don’t mean based on circumstances and I don’t care how cold it may be. I want you to break away from your damn passiveness and fear of hurting my feelings. If I knew there was a glimmer of hope that you and I could have more, I would hold out for that chance.

Bottom line is as much as I want to be with you, what started out as physical, has turned into something more for me. And this isn’t a new development. If you see no possibility of this being anything more than what it is now, I don’t think I can do it anymore.”

Wow…did things change.

He immediately started texting me and messaging me. We were already under suspicion, so we were playing with a very, very hot fire. Things got incredibly messy shortly thereafter but that’s told elsewhere I can’t give it all away for those of you actually following my Mistress Series so I will leave it there for now. It seemed things were looking up for me. For us.

We went about things the wrong way but had both submitted that it was worth it all. The bumpier and messier things got, the more dangerous things became. Read more in My Quest.

Until the next page, my friend. To be continued…

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