From String Bean to Ripped — How I Put On 44 Lbs. of Muscle
But lost it all to find self-love
I put on 44 lbs. of muscle in 2 years — you can too. And I am no Arnie Schwarzenegger or blessed with “good genes.”
I was a bag of bones.
In high school, I was picked on for being skinny. Along with having the unwanted superpower of being able to hide behind one stalk of bamboo, I was also balding, starting to get grey hairs, and had a face full of acne.
As you could imagine, the ladies were not flocking toward me.
While I was “successful” in getting big, I gained insights that led me to find joy in a most unexpected place.
First job
Fueled with sexual frustration and lonely Saturday nights, with little fanfare, I launched the project “Get Ripped.”
I worked s a duty manager at a large gynmasium. I looked after the day-to-day operations of the center.
Apart from the rare drowning and an angry gym patron, it was a boring and unfulfilling job.
I worked with a guy that was a bit of a stud. He was a good-looking rooster. I used to enjoy listening to his sexual adventures on Monday mornings from his wild weekends.
He was super fit and toned. Not to mention tanned and waxed up. I was quite the opposite. I was a dork, in the full meaning of the word.
I thought I want to be noticed. I want sex with hot females. I want attention.
How it begun
I started asking him about his training programs. What he did for cardio and what I found more interesting was what he was doing in the gym.
I started buying muscle magazines. And become obsessed with watching Pumping Iron, with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Armed with little knowledge of how to lift weights and put on muscle, I launched into the project “Get Ripped.”
Get in the gym
I started my project by lifting weights 3 times a week, spending approximately 45 minutes in the gym. Doing a full-body workout, with 3 sets of 10 reps for every exercise.
I didn’t know what the f@ck I was doing. I wore clothes that covered my body as I was skinny AF.
I felt very self-conscious about my appearance. I moved around the gym like an imposter. Quietly walking around like a cat burglar, as I didn’t want to be seen by anyone.
After only a few weeks, I started to see my body change. I was by not any means a Lee Haney, but I could see some progress pretty quickly.
Success breeds success
After a few weeks, I changed tack.
I started going 4–5 times a week for 1 hour. Instead of doing whole-body workouts, I split my work out into grouping certain body parts.
Day 1 — Chest, triceps, and abdominals
Day 2 — back, biceps, and legs
From my research, which involved talking to my gym-going work colleagues and reading muscle magazines, I changed my reps and sets to 3–4 sets and broke the reps 10, 8, then 6. With progressively increasing weight.
The theory here was bigger the weight, the greater it stimulates the muscle to grow. And grow they did. I had now put on a few pounds of muscle.
I was wearing singlets in the gym.
Take it up a notch
While I was happy with my progress, I wanted more.
When you do weights just to look good, you are more concerned with what you see in the mirror.
After more research, I split my program again.
Day 1 — Chest and triceps
Day 2 — Back and biceps
Day 3 — legs and abs
I was now going 6 times a week. And having to buy new clothes because of the amount of muscle mass I was putting on.
My chest was now filled out and my biceps had popped.
Also, what was happening was I was sometimes skipping my leg day.
Vanity reigns supreme
I started to get noticed by females and males.
What I would learn later this was more an illusionary type of validation.
My body was transforming. Project “Getting Ripped” was in full effect and moving forward at great speed.
I took it up another couple of notches.
Give more
I added supplements. Powders, shakes, tablets.
I didn’t earn much money, so found out about a place on the other side of my town where all the muscle heads went to buy cheap protein powder and creatine.
Although I read creatine destroys your kidneys, I keep taking it as it gave me a huge buzz before a workout. I read a few years later the brand of creatine I was taking got banned as it was laced with the amphetamine called speed.
I was now wearing some funky workout gear. I had one of those big-ass leather belts and hand wraps. I was one of the biggest dudes in the gym.
At least the top part of my body, anyway.
Distortions
“Hey you look good but your legs are a bit skinny” a personal trainer laughed as he walked past me.
He was right. I was skipping too many leg days, as I was getting too carried away with my chest and biceps. The reason is because that is what I saw in the mirror.
It’s hard to be objective when you allow yourself to go down an unhealthy rabbit hole.
Hard work
I started to plateau after about a year. I was happy with my gains and was getting more attention from females.
But I wanted more.
“Every time I see you, you are eating,” said my manager at work. I nervously laughed.
I was seeing in the muscle magazines how much these guys ate.
So I started eating 6 meals a day plus upped the number of protein shakes to 4 a day. My gut started to get bloated, but I didn’t care.
Change again
I changed my work schedule again. I was now, after a warm-up, only doing reps of 4–6. Again, working on the principle of the heaviest weight will stimulate the muscle the most.
It “worked”, I had further gains and more attention.
Always out on the lookout to further improve my appearance, I started taking fat burners. I don’t know what I was thinking. As I hardly had much body fat anyway.
18 months in
“What’s wrong?”
I was out at dinner with a friend.
“Nothing, why?” I replied. I was wearing a tight black t-shirt, tanned, and feeling pretty good about myself.
“You keep fidgeting with your hands and your leg keeps bouncing up and down.”
I had become aware of this nervous energy in my body. But didn’t realize it was bad as I thought.
I only took the fat burners for 2 weeks. I could see they were having an adverse effect. Plus, I was putting on a lot of muscle anyway and had a little fat on me, anyway.
Waxed up
Another thing my colleague was doing was waxing his arms and legs. I saw this made him look muscular.
So I gave it a go.
I had a friend who did body waxing for a living. She said the only guys that get this done are guys that go to sex parties. I said I didn’t care, just do it. I only got my arms and shoulders done.
It was a complete disaster.
“Would you do it again?”, the pint-size administrator coordinator asked me as we stood at the poolside, at the gym.
I had my bathers on and no top on.
My arms and shoulders were covered in pimples. Both white-head pimples and badass red angry-looking pimples. It was embarrassing and hideous.
Ripping those wax strips off not only ripped out the unwanted hair but a few layers of skin and opens the pores. This, I am told, is what lead to a massive outbreak of acne all over my arms and shoulders. As the dirt and germs get into the skin.
“Yeah buddy lightweight baby” — Ronnie Coleman
I watched a documentary on Ronnie Coleman.
For the uninitiated in the world of bodybuilding, Ronnie is the man. On par with Arnold Schewnegarrer. Ronnie is an 8-time winner of Mr. Olympia.
The footage in the documentary was damming.
Ronnie’s body was a complete mess. He couldn’t walk properly. He was hobbling around on an old person’s walking frame. And still is to this day.
All the weights and steroids had destroyed his body.
Is this a path I wanted to continue with?
Be careful what you wish for
Your greatest strengths, if not applied properly, is your greatest weaknesses.
When I do something, I throw myself into it. Which is great for getting external results. But impure intentions have disastrous results.
I was seeing that creatine, fat-burning tablets, and waxing weren’t helping with my mental well-being.
One problem was solved, and another highlighted
While I was getting attention from girls, I was very awkward around them and didn’t know what to say or what to do.
I was unhappy about one thing before and now I was unhappy about another.
These types of thoughts and behaviors are reflective of a person that isn’t comfortable in their own skin.
Bookworm
I was reading some books on personal development and philosophy, and they spoke about how changing the outside didn’t make you happy on the inside.
I looked like a million bucks, but I wasn’t happy.
Like a heavy fog lifting, slowly I could see that adding on the muscle wasn’t helping with making me feel good enough on the inside.
What to do now
I started attending a yoga class at the gym.
This was very painful as my muscles were so tight from all the weights. Sometimes I would do a workout in the gym before a yoga class, which made things worse.
So I was stuck. And I knew it. Something needed to give.
Review time
It had been pumping iron for 2 years now.
I went from weighing 174 pounds to tipping the scales at 218 pounds. While I looked great, I felt worse than when I started the project “Get Ripped.”
Slowly over time, I was doing more yoga classes than hitting the gym to do weights.
I thought to myself if I stop doing weights, my yoga will improve. But I will also lose all my muscle gain. Along with the attention of da ladies.
But it had started to happen already. Along with a loss in the number of comments from females.
When I went to the gym now, I was lifting lower weights and when I looked in the mirror, I could easily see my chest and biceps shrinking.
Philosophy
I kept reading my books on philosophy and doing carrying out introspection on my experiences in the world.
I made the life-changing decision to stop lifting weight weights and just do yoga.
This happened over a period of several months.
There were several reasons why it was hard to stop getting bigger because I knew what would happen:
- Not getting female attention.
- No more admiration from men for my buffed physique.
- Losing a life purpose may make me rudderless.
- What will people now like about me?
I stopped all the supplements, went back to eating 3 meals a day, and never have been back to the gym to lift weights.
Seeing life through new a lens
Now when I see muscly guys, I feel sorry for them. They are changing themselves on the outside because they are not happy on the inside. They feel a sense of lack.
Like I did.
Giving up trying to change myself on the outside lead me down another rabbit hole. That of one of self-love and self-compassion.
I was punishing myself in the gym and with the supplements.
After yoga, I felt at ease and in the present moment. Doing yoga lead me to meditation and the study of philosophy (Advaita Vedanta.)
Self-love and self-compassion manifest in my life as an understanding of the consequences of my action, minus the self-judgment. I don’t look at my reactions the life experiences as being right or wrong.
But look at understanding the dynamics of what is playing out. When you drop the unrealistic demands you place on yourself and the self-judgments, clear insights arise. Minus the guilt and shame.
Watch, listen, and observe
The path to understanding your essence is a path of subtraction. Not addition.
Follow the breadcrumbs that you notice once you give up self-sabotaging behaviors.
Acknowledge and recognize the sub-personalities that you have created and the damaging role they are playing in your life.
Live in the present moment to be on the edge of consciousness, then freedom and contentment will arise effortlessly.
