avatarSimply Sophia

Summary

A transgender woman recounts her journey from being a content waiter to an unhappy lawyer, through personal and professional struggles, including health issues and loss, to finding peace and happiness in her authentic identity and financial stability in her senior years.

Abstract

The narrative details the life of a transgender woman who was coaxed by her spouse into becoming a lawyer, despite her satisfaction with being a waiter. She excelled in law school and opened her own practice, but the financial and emotional strain of the profession, compounded by personal losses and health crises, led to a series of unfortunate events, including foreclosures, divorce, and periods of homelessness. Despite these challenges, she found solace in transitioning and now lives a fulfilling life in Santa Fe, supported by social security and her creative pursuits.

Opinions

  • The author initially had no interest in becoming a lawyer, valuing freedom and variety over a single career path.
  • She felt pressured by her spouse to pursue a more lucrative career to support the family and fulfill her spouse's dreams.
  • The author enjoyed the academic aspect of law but struggled with the business side of running a practice.
  • She was reluctant to charge clients, preferring to help those in crisis regardless of their ability to pay.
  • The author reflects on the unhappiness in her marriage, attributing it to incompatibility and the constraints of their shared religious beliefs.
  • After her divorce, she found a partner who accepted her true identity as a transgender woman, which was a significant source of happiness and validation.
  • The author expresses regret over the financial struggles associated with her legal career and the loss of multiple homes.
  • She experienced significant personal losses, including the deaths of her first spouse, second wife, and close friends, which deeply affected her.
  • The author's transition and acceptance of her authentic self are depicted as crucial to her current sense of peace and happiness.
  • Despite past hardships, she is grateful for her life in a supportive community and for the ability to engage in creative activities that bring her joy.

From Attorney to Homeless

Honestly, I was never in it for the money (but don’t tell my spouse).

Photo by Campaign Creators on Unsplash

I was perfectly happy being a waiter in a nice steakhouse. I made great money, ate for free, and I had plenty of time to play. I am the quintessential Gemini; I never wanted to be tied down to one thing.

When I married my first spouse in 1987, I quickly learned she had other plans. I understood. She, Penny, had worked her ass off, often twenty hours a day, trying to take care of her kids after her divorce from a deadbeat dad. Her ex was only supposed to pay $25 a month in child support, but he wasn’t even willing (able?) to pay that. So, of course, she dreamed of me moving into a career field where money would flow. Her ex eventually chose to end his life, so I did what I could to be the second parent her kids needed.

Soon after we married, Penny began hammering me about what a great lawyer I would be. I resisted for a long time, but she was absolutely correct that one of my primary values was having the ability to help people who were in crisis. I applied to law school and got in. I excelled there and enjoyed it. I got straight A’s and passed the bar exam on the first try.

As soon as I was sworn in, I opened my own practice. I had no interest whatsoever in working for a firm or entity, which was unfortunate since law school does not prepare you for solo practice. I knew the law, but the business side of things felt almost offensive to me.

I continued waiting tables for my first two years as a lawyer. As my income went up, my expenses went up. Sure, I had months when over ten grand came in, but the expense of running my practice was $8,000. My income after expenses was less than I made as a waiter, and I no longer got free steak and shrimp. Penny was hyper-religious and immediately gave 20% of every dollar that came in to our church, even when it was a refundable retainer.

It was a mess.

The expenses were the same even in slow months, even though I was working sixty to eighty hours a week and losing money. The stress of it nearly killed me. My health declined, and I became totally paralyzed for a year and nearly died.

I seriously didn’t want to charge my clients. I often said I just wanted somebody to give me a living wage and let me help people who were in crisis but had no money for a lawyer.

Looking back, I realize that I was so unhappy that I self-sabotaged.

My spouse always insisted that we had to have a home. Understandable. Over 17 years, we lost three homes to foreclosure. We’d catch up a bit, buy one, struggle to survive, hit a rough spot, and then lose it. Then, we repeated the cycle over and over.

If it sounds like I’m blaming my spouse, I’m not. Fundamentally, I shouldn’t have ever married. I’d been raised in an evangelical Christian home, and getting married was something I did as I tried to run away from my authentic self. I was and am transgender, but being the real me was not an option. I lived in Alabama, and this was in the 1980s and 1990s. I wasn’t even allowed to be a Democrat.

During my thirty years in the legal field, I helped thousands of people. I have no regrets about that. It was literally my primary purpose in life. I just hate that the financial part was such a struggle. Plus, I was extremely unhappy with my spouse. I think she was just as unhappy. We were never a good choice for each other, but our Christian indoctrination made divorce almost impossible.

After 17 years, I was so miserable that it was either divorce and escape from Alabama or commit passive suicide by eating myself to death. We divorced. I made a series of big geographical moves to Georgia, then Arizona, and then back to New Mexico, where I was born. Just a few months after the divorce, I found a new partner, Karla, who was a lesbian and only willing to be with me because she saw the real me. I didn’t know that was even possible. Likewise, my former wife found an older man with a great job and a huge house. He provided her with the stability she had always craved.

In January of 2020, Penny died of COVID-19. She had trusted Trump more than her doctors. Her death was two days short of the day she was going to retire and start spending all her time loving on her grandkids. The irony of that will forever be stunning to me.

In 2021, my second wife, Karla, died of breast cancer. Actually, it started as that and was totally treatable, but because she refused to do chemo, it spread to her brain. She had only been willing to do natural, holistic treatment. It didn’t help at all.

A month after Karla’s death, the best guy friend I ever had took his life. I was devastated. I knew how depressed he was, but there was no way I could stop it. I tried. He and I had plans to launch a whiskey, religion, and politics podcast.

A month after he died, a woman I had quickly fallen in love with chose to end her life as well. I knew she had a long history of attempts, but we had discussed it, and I believed our love would protect her. It did not. I’ll never get over that.

In the midst of all this tragedy, I was dealing with the aftermath of a stroke and suffering from over a hundred TIAs. My physical and mental health was declining, and I couldn’t work. I was evicted on two occasions. I ended up living in a sequence of places that did not have a kitchen or bathroom, like a backyard art studio, a friend’s business office, and sometimes in the back of my van. Living in the van was actually cool until COVID shut down all the gyms and the other places I’d use to shower and go to the bathroom.

I had filed for disability, but the highly recommended person I used to handle the appeal screwed up my paperwork, and it took at least a year longer than necessary for it to be approved. Even when I started getting the $900 a month from disability, there was no way to pay for housing. A local charity that helps folks with housing finally got me into a discounted apartment, a newly built one in a great and safe neighborhood.

I am blessed.

Layered on top of all of this, I finally transitioned. I’ve been living as my authentic gender for three-and-a-half years. Of course, changing gender outwardly is not an overnight thing. I was stuck between genders for a long time, as I hoped hormone treatment would do magical things for my body. It didn’t do much; I didn’t even get boobies, but over time I found my way. I am very lucky to live in a liberal town where no one has ever been mean to me.

Now, I’m at peace financially for the first time in my life. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. My social security pays the bills, and money from my creative endeavors ensures that I have fun money. There’s always something interesting to do in Santa Fe (if you like art, music, and film). My current partner is ten years younger than me but has had two heart attacks. I’m worried about her.

Being coupled with me has not ever ended well.

Photo by George Kedenburg III on Unsplash

I’m a former pastor and attorney who is also a trans woman. I’ve had an amazing life and look forward to telling you many more poignant and amazing stories. Please follow me and consider buying me a beverage by clicking here. Thank you.

Memoir
Lawyers
Covid-19
Transgender
Housing
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