MENTAL HEALTH
From a Painful Divorce to Finding Me
Because self-love always wins ~ DEP Book Project Prompt Motivation
You are not a drop in the ocean; you are the entire ocean in a drop. ~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rumi
“We can remain friends.”
It was May 2014. Meeting at the third-floor reading section of New York City’s Union Square Barnes & Noble, my then spouse calmly uttered those words. I felt my soul slowly crushing — that was it? After four years of our [less than] fairytale union, this is what I was left with.
Such a simple sentence, and depending on the perspective, a seemingly optimistic one. But, to me, it was a slap in the face. I already had a close-knit circle of besties — I neither wanted nor needed to add him to that small group.
Still, we both knew the D-word had been hanging over our heads like the darkest cloud giving warning of the tumultuous storm about to arrive. For nearly two years we lived under the same roof, slept in the same bed, and continued going to milongas where we danced tango (mostly with other people — rarely together).
On the surface, we showed the outside world that everything was perfect. But, behind closed doors, Özgür and I existed as an unmarried, unloving couple. Eventually, we would agree to separate — legally and permanently (finalized on 18 September 2014).
While the road to healing was a long and difficult one, it taught me there are many reasons to want to live. Through that painful experience, I learned (and am still learning) how to love myself.
The Other D-Word
Depending on the circumstances there are those who might jump for joy when considering a divorce. In fairness to my former husband (despite being the initiator), I cannot honestly say he was thrilled for us to split. It must have hurt him too.
Once I accepted his decision to not seek couple’s therapy, I needed to understand two things: the end of our marriage was not the “end of the world” and it was time I took accountability for my words and actions.
I went through the common blame game, trying to convince myself of a bunch of lies:
- “he’s not really going to leave me, he’ll be back”
- “it’s all my fault for being an awful wife”
- “the guilt lies on his shoulders because he decided alone”
- “when I kill myself, he will be unable to live with that guilt”
The thing is I hadn’t stopped to consider my role in the demise of our relationship. Control, low self-esteem, and a lack of loving communication all built an uncrossable bridge between us. Yet, I continued to refuse the reality.
This was not happening — I lied to myself many times!
But, it was time for me to wake up and stop making excuses. The hurt was too much to bear, so I continued along that path. By pretending we weren’t really going to separate, I didn’t have to face the pain.
Dealing with an unwanted pending divorce was awful enough. However, there was more. Along with my denial, I was facing that other d-word: depression. Only, I didn’t know it until years later. And if I didn’t address it, I would surely drown.
More Than Asanas
With bouts of crying sessions, many anxiety-filled sleepless nights, the self-inflicted torment of re-reading Özgür’s old, sweet text messages — I was quickly downward spiraling. What made me think I was OK was the fact that my social calendar remained jam-packed.
I still went [alone] to a few milongas per week (dancing for hours), I continued meeting with friends for boozy brunches, I often visited art galleries, and attended the ballet, the opera. In my mind, I was handling the divorce like a champ!
WRONG — I was simply functioning in my dysfunction.
That’s when I decided to return to yoga to motivate my mind towards a healthier conditioning. In 2012, I had taken a six-week intro to Hatha Yoga course. That was when the hubby and I were living in Austin, Texas. Other than that, mine was an on-again-off-again relationship with the discipline. Now that I had returned to the east coast [and pending the divorce], I felt the need to rebuild a commited relationship with my practice.
In January 2016, taking advantage of the many free events NYC offered, I found several community yoga sessions. Through these, I started to connect with myself on a more loving and accepting level. And, I met some of the nicest people. After a Vinyasa flow class at Athleta’s Upper East Side location, I spoke with Jess Blake (the instructor). Her calm demeanour and soothing voice inspired me. That class [and talking to Jess] was just what I needed — alignment, breathing exercises, reassurance that I am strong.
She reminded me that yoga was [and is] so much more than the poses. It matters not if one can remain completely inverted with only her pinky finger on the mat (sarcasm here!). The discipline is more about kindness, compassion and being aware of the one-ness within, as well as our universal connection.
Yoga is a way of living. And it was via this vehicle that I started to allow myself space to heal.
The Road Ahead
After attending several other community classes, I again ran into Jess. Sharing with her my desire to get serious about my practice, she mentioned Yoga Works and their 200-hour Teacher Training program.
Less than two months later March 2016, I enrolled in the intensive 30-day course. Not only that, I had submitted an essay about my journey and was selected to be the Administrative Assistant to the program’s yoga instructor, Jody Rufty. I received 50% off the course cost. I was on cloud nine — my life was turning around.💪🏽
The program was intense. There were many moments when I thought I’d give up. At times I was emotionally spent, like the afternoon we practiced sirsasana (headstand) against the wall. After trying five or six times, a little voice in my head mockingly whispered:
“You’ll fail at this, Lola~just like you did at your marriage”
It was too much to bear. Sobbing uncontrollably, I lay with my arms extended, palms down, forehead on the mat. My classmate, Olivia, gently looked over, asking if I was ok. I was not.
That night (for one of our homework assignments), I wrote about the experience. The release brought on more tears, but these I knew were a part of the necessary purging. It helped me to begin to understand what was happening.
Inversions aid in opening up the heart chakra. At the time I was still holding enormous pain from the divorce. With every attempt to get sirsasana right, I was accessing and liberating all of that immense hurt stored in my bosom.
As difficult as the process was, my soul had begun the road towards mending. And alongside came self-love. Just as SAS for Women reports, yoga was helping with my post-divorce depression by:
- finding internal peace — redirecting my thoughts allowed me improve mental clarity, focus, and inner calm
- anger management — challenging asanas helped me to confront limitations and accept them without judgment
- combat loneliness — being among other yogis allowed me to counter feeling alone
- face fears — pushing my limits taught me to be unafraid of taking risks
On 1 April 2016, I successfully completed the 200-hour Yoga Works Teacher Training program. Thirty days of countless tears, buckets of sweat, and certainly moments of laughter later, I had opened a path to finding the essence of who I really was (and am). It continues today.
When leading yoga sessions, I often quote Rumi. Both as a reminder to myself and to those present that we are infinite in our beauty and wisdom. The one about the “entire ocean in a drop” remains a favorite. Those words resonate a vibrational frequency filled with possibilities and encouragement. They remind me of the power of self-motivation. They nurture me with kindness and self-love.
Special shout out to Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles, Lady Dr. Gabriella Korosi, Sharing Randomly for this space and for building community on Medium. The world is a better place because you exist. Namaste :)
Reference Links:
- Certified Yoga Instructor, Jess Blake (http://www.jessblakeyoga.com/new-page)
- Support and Solutions for Women — Yoga to combat depression from divorce (https://sasforwomen.com/benefits-of-yoga-in-fighting-post-divorce-depression/)
- Yoga Works (https://www.yogaworks.com)
- Jody Rufty (https://www.jodieruftyyoga.com)
- On Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rumi (https://www.goalcast.com/rumi-quotes/)