Friendships of the good
— Philia love
Philia, often translated “brotherly love”, is one of the four ancient Greek words for love: philia, storge, agape and eros. In Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, philia is usually translated as “friendship” or “affection”. The complete opposite is called a phobia.
Philia is the love bond between good friends irrespective of age, race, or gender.
Aristotles’ examples of philia:
- young lovers
- lifelong friends
- cities with one another
- political or business contacts
- parents and children
- fellow-voyagers and fellow-soldiers
- members of the same religious society, or the same tribe
- a cobbler and the person who buys from him.
All of these different relationships involve getting on well with someone, though Aristotle at times implies that something more like actual liking is required.
He goes on to say that this kind of friendship is one of a decent friend, except that the friend is also fond of us. There is mutual affection.
Aristotle takes philia to be both necessary as a means to happiness stating that no one would choose to live without friends even if he had all the other goods.
For Aristotle, a good friendship is one of the true joys of life, and that a life well lived needs to be built around such companionship.
“Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.”
— Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics
Aristotle divides friendships into three types, based on the motive for forming them:
- friendships of utility
- friendships of pleasure
- friendships of the good
Friendships of utility are relationships formed without regard to the other person at all. They are based on an exchange for the benefit of one or the other, such as buying goods.
They are transactional relationships that are impermanent. Once the exchange is complete, generally the friendship also ceases, unless they see each other again, and in that case, they could be called acquaintances.
At the next level, Aristotle speaks of friendships of pleasure that are based on pure delight, people who drink together or share a pastime may have such friendships. However, these friends may not last. They last only as long as there’s an advantage.
Friendships of the good (true friendships) are based on a mutual appreciation of the virtues of one another. In these relationships, both friends enjoy each other’s characters.
As long as both friends keep similar characters, the relationship will endure since the motive behind it is care for the friend. This is the highest level of philia, and in modern English might be called true friendship.
Aristotle states that the first two are inferior to the other because of the motive: friendships of utility and pleasure do not regard friends as people, but for what they can give in return.
Friendships based upon what is good are the perfect form of friendship, where both friends enjoy each other’s virtue. As long as both friends keep similarly virtuous characters, the relationship will endure and be pleasant and useful and good for both parties, since the motive behind it is care for the friend themselves, and not something else. Such relationships are rare, because good people are rare, and bad people do not take pleasure in each other
— Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics
I’d have to agree with Aristotle, I wouldn’t choose to live without friends even if I had every good thing in life.
Friendships have always been important to me. I love my friends and could honestly say that without friends I don’t know where I’d be today.
Good friends can talk about almost anything, but usually, they share common values, hopes, and dreams. But, saying that, as we change so do our friendships.
This has been one of the hardest things for me, having to let go of some friends.
Friendships shift as we grow, and we don’t always change at the same time and in the same way.
What a friendship is not
This is a different category of people who don’t really belong here, but I’m going to mention them anyway as they come clothed as good “friends,” but they are not friends.
They do not have your best interests at heart. If they don’t edify you, love you, or support you, they are not your friend.
Good people get confused when they meet people like this as they are usually very charming and sweet.
They will flatter you, but don’t be deceived. They are only out for what they can get. The relationship will be one way because they don’t care about you at all. They are simply bad people.
A True Friendship
Your friends of the good type want to spend time with you. They are interested in you and what concerns you. They like you for who you are and the feeling is mutual.
You share the same core values, you are like-minded, loyal, caring, considerate, trustworthy and you admire one another's virtues. You can be close with these friends.
Aristotle suggests that although the word friend is used in these different ways, it is perhaps best to say that friendships of pleasure and usefulness are only analogous to real friendships. It is sometimes possible that at least in the case of people who are friends for pleasure familiarity will lead to a better type of friendship, as the friends learn to admire each other’s characters.
— Nicomachean Ethics
People who lack empathy or care for others seldom develop these good friendships because they are usually only looking for pleasure or utility.
Friendships of the good are the best kind of friends to have in life even though the other two are beneficial and pleasurable, but if we seek to have a more fulfilling life, it would be wise for us to cultivate and develop these kinds of friendships.
They take time to develop but when they do blossom, they blossom with trust admiration, and respect. This love is based on the goodness of each other and not on what you can get from them.
“A sweet friendship refreshes the soul.”
— Proverbs 27:9
