Friendships Don’t Always Last Forever, And It’s Not Your Fault

Here are some of the reasons why your friendships may fade away or go out with a bang

How many of us can say that we still have high school or college friends?

I recently had lunch with two friends from high school. One friend I remember well and have fond memories of her. We were both quiet and read a lot. We didn’t do much hanging out after school because we weren’t like that. The other lady was someone I didn’t hang out with often back in those days, but I enjoyed catching up with her.

It’s been 45 years since we graduated, and the three of us had a lot to share. We vowed to get together again soon, and I hope that we do. We discussed other classmates that we wanted to invite, and hopefully, we can get a regular thing started.

My classmates and I didn’t stay in touch in person during those 45 years, but the power of Facebook brought us back together.

Social Media is the instrument that I use to connect with many old friends and acquaintances. It’s nice to see what they are up to and how things turned out for them in their lives.

However, having a Facebook connection doesn’t mean that we are still friends with everyone from our past.

The Psychology Today Article “Not all Friendships Last Forever” discusses these very issues.

As I get older, I have learned that some friendships are situational. They are there for the moment, and when the situation changes, the friendship fades.

An example of this is a church Sunday school class that I once belonged to. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged to a group, and we socialized. We went on trips and went out to dinner. I loved it.

Eventually, the leader of this class felt the need to step down. Once she did, the class fell apart, and everyone went in different directions. I was devastated. I am no longer friends with the people from that class. I don’t even remember most of their names.

They were important people to me at that time in my life. It would have been nice to maintain the friendship, but it wasn’t to be. However, I still have fond memories of those days and I’ve never been able to find another group like that again. I am glad that I had that experience at least once.

Sometimes, friendships change because your circumstances change.

People change jobs or get married and move. Parents and maybe spouses get sick and need more of their time.

It’s easier to stay in contact these days through social media but as your situation changes, so do your friends. If someone is working long hours at work, personal time is limited. As a result, friendships often get put on the back burner.

Having children leaves little time for going out or making connections. Today, kids are so involved in activities that parents spend their time chauffeuring their children and helping with homework.

My friendship with a longtime friend faded as she became a grandmother and then the caretaker of her elderly mother. Her husband was older than her and needed help as well. I didn’t understand what was happening and was hurt.

We’ve tried to reconnect since her mother and husband died, but the spark doesn’t seem to be there anymore. I still have hope that one day we can get it back.

Sometimes your significant other doesn’t like your friends, which puts a wedge in your friendship.

When my husband and I began dating, he couldn’t wait to introduce me to his college friends. Likewise, I couldn’t wait to meet them and be part of their group.

It wasn’t to be. The wives ignored me, and I felt snubbed. Before we were married, my husband and I spent the night at one of the couples' homes. The wife disappeared into the bedroom and didn’t interact with me at all. The men sat around and talked football for hours. I felt unwelcome. That incident was the last straw, and I refused to socialize with them again.

My husband never lost touch which them, but he didn’t socialize with his friends anymore. I never told him not to, and I encouraged him to meet with his friends and play golf or have lunch. The fact that he didn’t is on him.

He was disappointed that we weren’t part of their coupledom, and so was I. But, he was unaware of the snubs that I was getting from the wives, and I was both hurt and angry.

Recently my husband and I talked about that long-ago night when we spent the night at his friend's house. Even though it happened thirty years ago, I cried as I remembered how I felt. I’m not a crier so it shocked him. But, for the first time, he understood how I felt.

I’m happy to say that he is now in frequent contact with those friends and has even visited one in Florida. As for those wives? Only one of them is still a wife.

I never wanted my husband to lose touch with those friends. I just didn’t want to hang out with them.

Sometimes a friendship can become toxic.

My best friend from junior high was controlling, and I didn’t realize it for a long time. Anyone who was in her friend group had to do what she said as soon as she said it.

One day, soon after we started high school, I stood up to her. I don’t remember what the issue was, but I had had enough and said no.

That was it — no more friendship.

Of course, I was hurt, but I was mad too. No way was I going to grovel at her feet. I remember sending nasty messages to her through friends, and she would send them back to me the same way. It was typical high school stuff.

The two of us never rekindled that friendship. We are Facebook friends, and the few times that we have seen each other in person since graduation, we are cordial. However, I knew her so well that when her daughter walked into the library where I worked, I asked her which daughter was she? She was the spitting image of my former friend.

Once my former friend and I even talked about our split and we remembered two entirely different reasons for it! Our lives went in different directions. We no longer have anything in common.

I’m ok with that. I’m glad she is well and I’m sure she feels the same.

There are a lot of reasons why friendships fail. Sometimes it’s circumstances of everyday living. Sometimes it's a toxic situation or a personal betrayal. Sometimes your friends have new partners who just don’t like you.

The best thing to do if you lose a situation is to give yourself time to grieve and move on. Losing a friendship is a loss but it’s never good to try to hang on. It just causes more hurt and pain.

If you are in a failing friendship, try and evaluate what the issue is. If the issue cannot be resolved then it is what it is. Remember the good times and carry on.