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Abstract

nefits scenarios too often leave out the friendship aspect of the equation. There is a time and place for casual lovers in our lives. Sometimes, we seek them out, and other times, we find wonderful humans who we realize just won’t be ours to keep. Yet, there’s a way to be casual while still being a friend.</p><h2 id="85a3">We Can Be Honest About Our Expectations and Desires</h2><p id="b1a0">Being honest about what we want should be the simplest thing we’ll ever do, and yet, so many of us suppress what we want in favor of telling others what we think they want to hear. It can certainly be manipulative, but more often than not, it seems less deliberate than that. We might think we won’t get what we want if we’re honest, but the truth is the opposite: we’ll rarely get what we want when we’re not honest about wanting it.</p><p id="a521">Dating would be so much easier if everyone was honest about what they wanted. Just sex. A relationship. A life partner without marriage entering the equation. Children. No children. Dates for the holiday season with no strings attached. Life would be simpler. We could make decisions based on all the facts rather than on what they thought we wanted to hear in the moment.</p><h2 id="e4fa">Treat Each Other Like Friends, Not Objects</h2><p id="cd3d">People are not objects to be used. They are human beings with a full set of feelings. Being casual doesn’t preclude being kind and doing the normal things friends would do.</p><p id="9ca7">This is where most of my casual relationships became unsatisfying. I don’t care to be hidden. I don’t want to be the one who gets a midnight text but not an invitation to the BBQ all the other friends get to attend. I don’t want every encounter to be about Netflix and chill when we could see a movie out of the house or share a meal or do something fun together. I don’t want to be in none of the pictures because people could get the wrong, or rather the right, idea. It’s possible to be casual lovers and friends, too.</p><h2 id="451e">Be Clear About Transitions</h2><p id="e21c">In these types of situations, it’s important to be clear about what a transition will look like should one or both parties desire more and/or wish to end the arrangement. Talking this out may seem awkward, but it can help clarify expectations and set boundaries for the relationship. Transitions are going to happen at some point, but we can decide how we would most like to handle them.</p><p id="7d34">In my situation, ghosting isn’t an option. It’s disrespectful and hurtful. We’ve agreed to talk through changes as they come and to stay kind in the process. We know the end is coming, and the best thing any of us can do is manage it with kindness.</p><h2 id="690a">Be Loving While It Lasts</h2><p id="05fa">Maybe I just don’t do casual the right way. I want to be loving for as long as it lasts. I don’t hold back affection simply because th

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e relationship doesn’t have long-term potential.</p><p id="2b9d">I tell my friends I love them. I hug them when I see them. I call or text with some regularity. Why would a friends with benefits situation be any different? Casual doesn’t have to mean no feelings at all. It can just mean understanding what the relationship is while still being authentic and loving inside of it.</p><p id="ee07">The holiday season will soon reach its crescendo. I’ve seen holiday lights, gone ice skating, and done any number of Christmas-themed events alone or in the company of my children. There is no hand holding mine because intertwining fingers might transmit ideas to my brain, likely involving wedding bells.</p><p id="1571">I’m joking, but I’m not laughing. It should be the simplest thing in the world to celebrate the season together without worrying about the larger meaning of doing so. If we can’t do that, maybe we should come up with a term that doesn’t imply that friendship is on the table.</p><div id="1e12" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/when-you-call-a-mom-a-milf-4cc31106f6ed"> <div> <div> <h2>When You Call a Mom a MILF</h2> <div><h3>Are you ready for this? Here’s what really happens …</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*OaQoymV7TRlS5cLU)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="f8cc" class="link-block"> <a href="https://psiloveyou.xyz/seven-things-we-want-to-say-to-emotionally-unavailable-men-992c7214872d"> <div> <div> <h2>Seven Things We Want to Say to Emotionally Unavailable Men</h2> <div><h3>We all have problems; we don’t all use them as excuses</h3></div> <div><p>psiloveyou.xyz</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*VLCW266M5u10CEhVfPqaZQ.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="8eec" class="link-block"> <a href="https://psiloveyou.xyz/loneliness-a-desire-for-connection-not-a-need-for-more-self-love-473a4d0b8110"> <div> <div> <h2>Loneliness: A Desire for Connection — Not a Need for More Self-Love</h2> <div><h3>Why we need to stop shaming single people for loneliness</h3></div> <div><p>psiloveyou.xyz</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*fxBBW-XMXWKQGHB7)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Friendship: The Missing Ingredient in “Friends with Benefits”

Casual is fine; treating others with casual disregard is not

The holiday season comes around, and my mind instantly creates a Hallmark-style montage of bright lights, hot chocolate, and Christmas magic. Everything but the sleigh bells in the snow because even my imagination can’t quite make that leap in Georgia. Still, I love this season, and every year, I long to share it with a special someone who might hold my hand while I work my way down my Christmas list of festive things to do.

But life isn’t a movie, and I’ve never had a Christmas like that. Instead, I’ve had coupled Christmases with partners who didn’t get my enthusiasm for the season and weren’t all that bothered about trying. I’ve had single Christmases where I enjoyed the holiday season but acknowledged the wistfulness beneath every joyous activity.

This year could have been different. While I’m not in a Facebook-official relationship, I have had a casual one with the potential for holiday magic. Yet, like every other commitment-averse single man, he studiously avoids holiday events with me lest it give me “ideas”.

Of course, the only idea I had was to enjoy the holiday season with another adult. If I asked any of my good friends to go see Christmas lights, they wouldn’t automatically caution me not to expect anything if they were to be seen attending a holiday event in my company. They wouldn’t think that it meant anything more than an enjoyable outing.

This attitude is incredibly prevalent. I had a former partner do this same song and dance around Valentine’s Day one year — as if exchanging candy hearts and calling each other “valentine” would lead to an accidental betrothal. It’s insulting to assume that we’re not capable of understanding nuance in relationships, but it’s also hurtful to partner — however casually — another person who refuses to treat us with the same respect and consideration they would show a close friend who wanted to spend time with them.

I didn’t envision a holiday season spent together that would lead to some future relationship. Far from it. I simply wanted to go on Christmas dates rather than simply meeting up in a bedroom when one of us had need of the other. Apparently, it will be another year of dating myself. I’m an excellent date, but it wasn’t what I wanted.

It’s possible to be both kind and casual. Friends with benefits scenarios too often leave out the friendship aspect of the equation. There is a time and place for casual lovers in our lives. Sometimes, we seek them out, and other times, we find wonderful humans who we realize just won’t be ours to keep. Yet, there’s a way to be casual while still being a friend.

We Can Be Honest About Our Expectations and Desires

Being honest about what we want should be the simplest thing we’ll ever do, and yet, so many of us suppress what we want in favor of telling others what we think they want to hear. It can certainly be manipulative, but more often than not, it seems less deliberate than that. We might think we won’t get what we want if we’re honest, but the truth is the opposite: we’ll rarely get what we want when we’re not honest about wanting it.

Dating would be so much easier if everyone was honest about what they wanted. Just sex. A relationship. A life partner without marriage entering the equation. Children. No children. Dates for the holiday season with no strings attached. Life would be simpler. We could make decisions based on all the facts rather than on what they thought we wanted to hear in the moment.

Treat Each Other Like Friends, Not Objects

People are not objects to be used. They are human beings with a full set of feelings. Being casual doesn’t preclude being kind and doing the normal things friends would do.

This is where most of my casual relationships became unsatisfying. I don’t care to be hidden. I don’t want to be the one who gets a midnight text but not an invitation to the BBQ all the other friends get to attend. I don’t want every encounter to be about Netflix and chill when we could see a movie out of the house or share a meal or do something fun together. I don’t want to be in none of the pictures because people could get the wrong, or rather the right, idea. It’s possible to be casual lovers and friends, too.

Be Clear About Transitions

In these types of situations, it’s important to be clear about what a transition will look like should one or both parties desire more and/or wish to end the arrangement. Talking this out may seem awkward, but it can help clarify expectations and set boundaries for the relationship. Transitions are going to happen at some point, but we can decide how we would most like to handle them.

In my situation, ghosting isn’t an option. It’s disrespectful and hurtful. We’ve agreed to talk through changes as they come and to stay kind in the process. We know the end is coming, and the best thing any of us can do is manage it with kindness.

Be Loving While It Lasts

Maybe I just don’t do casual the right way. I want to be loving for as long as it lasts. I don’t hold back affection simply because the relationship doesn’t have long-term potential.

I tell my friends I love them. I hug them when I see them. I call or text with some regularity. Why would a friends with benefits situation be any different? Casual doesn’t have to mean no feelings at all. It can just mean understanding what the relationship is while still being authentic and loving inside of it.

The holiday season will soon reach its crescendo. I’ve seen holiday lights, gone ice skating, and done any number of Christmas-themed events alone or in the company of my children. There is no hand holding mine because intertwining fingers might transmit ideas to my brain, likely involving wedding bells.

I’m joking, but I’m not laughing. It should be the simplest thing in the world to celebrate the season together without worrying about the larger meaning of doing so. If we can’t do that, maybe we should come up with a term that doesn’t imply that friendship is on the table.